The anticipation is killing me, so is not having my car. You see the audio supply shop i went to needed an extra day to install my system, so i am car-less at the moment. Although i did get lucky, the guy who is installing the beastly components of electromagnetic brilliance also has an affinity for the darker, heavier styles of music and knows exactly how to tune the output to my liking. I am more excited about this install than i was about buying the car in the first place. Sad? yes. But, i live for music, and so the anticipation will keep rising until an explosion of earth shattering bass from the trunk of my car at approximately 2:00 tomorrow.

The past few weeks have been fairly stressful. I feel like i'm recovering right now, still feeling all the symptoms of anxiety and panic, only for no reason. From past experience i know the feeling is temporary, and soon enough i'll be able to sleep comfortably and start going to the gym. I just need some time to relax.

My trip to charlotte was exactly what i had imagined it would be: juvenile team building exercises targeting at routing out potential introverts with the purpose of exposing and humiliating them. (a dramatic description but quite accurate from my perspective as an introvert) Then, less than a week later i had to be part of a panel with the purpose of convincing current college seniors to apply for a job with the bank. I spoke, but i can't imagine i was very clear or at all helpful. Then, this past weekend i made another trip up to NJ to see my parents and a couple friends. That should have been relaxing, seven hours in a car is not fun and i'm never all that relaxed at home. The relationship i have with my father is too hostile and complicated to ever be at peace in his presence. I did have one good night with a couple friends, which was good because i didn't think i'd even see them. Those two seem to always be around when i need them, which is good considering how often i'm around.

I had some fun on my way back. About two hours left in my trip i thought to myself "fuck if i car if i get a ticket, i want to get home now." So i averaged a speed of 90 on I-95 the rest of the way flying past traffic and maintaining a good sense of recklessness. I'm amazed i didn't get stopped. There have been similar times where i feel like i need to do something and i make it very clear to whoever is listening to my inner dialog, and they understand and make sure i get home safe. Luck and coincidence are a little more reasonable of an explanation, but it is nice to think that someone is listening.

I've decided to quit the whole online dating mess. It got me into more trouble and more awkward uncomfortable situations than anything i've ever done. It could have been mostly my fault, considering i went into it thinking that it was possible to make some casual friends. People who are on online dating sites are lonely. They're looking for steady relationships, and me being in that community just isn't right. I am lonely, but i'm not looking for someone to fix that. I was just looking to fit in here. I was being impatient and realize now that the only way to fit in is to be patient, stick to a comfortable routine, and be polite when that routine puts you in the proximity of people. Patience is getting a little bit easier, but i still need to do a lot of adjusting, compromising, and submitting before i can stop complaining and call this place home.