I heard a knock on my door around 6 o'clock this afternoon. At the time i was sporting nothing but a pair of boxer briefs and a muscle shirt, so i rushed to throw on a pair of jeans thinking to myself, "No one ever comes to my door, this may be important!" When i opened it there were two young girls maybe 14-16 staring at me blankly. This was a very awkward few seconds because it was as if they were wax figures just staring at me. Then a switch turned on in one of the girls. She holds up a book seemingly with a bunch of numbers on it and begins to rattle off a completely mumbled explanation of whatever they were trying to sell. I couldn't make out a word of it no matter how hard i tried to concentrate. She wasn't even looking at me when she spoke. I made out the last few words though which absolutely floored me. Before she said them she took a deep breath glanced up then away again and in the most monotone unemotional sequence of syllables said "please tell me you're interested." WHAT?! Are you kidding? At least try a little for your cause, youth of America! I'm not asking for fake tears but common decency and just a brief attempt at being polite... When I said "no, i'm sorry" to an offer i didn't even know anything about she responded with a, "Well, why not?" I just said i was busy and she persisted with a really rude tone, "you know, it'll only take a second." I repeated myself and wished her good bye. The other girl even added an extremely put off, "oh." I really wish i could have gotten a recording of these two girls because i probably seem like a dick, but damnit, it was like they were trying to hustle me. They would've been better suited with weapons, maybe a knife would've fit their approach.

Anyway, they came during a movie, Deer Hunter... Holy shit man... another really intense film. I need to stop putting myself through this shit. Maybe i'll start renting romantic comedies for a while to let some emotional tension ease up.

And, i sent an email to my boss today. It more or less asked to get some real work because i'm tired of all the meaningless online classes. This was a bold move because i could've been sitting around with no responsibilities for at least another month. I honestly just can't take the monotony anymore; and doing an honest day of real work may actually be a little more fulfilling. We'll see i guess.

Funeral is a band from Norway. They play doom metal of the most sorrowful morbidly pessimistic sort and it goes very well with the rain. This has been the first day in weeks i haven't been able to have my windows open and feel the cool wind on my face as i drive to work. Instead i watched a stream of water form at the edge of the window, flow down and then as i hit the highway gradually change it's direction to a horizontal path away from the traffic i should've been watching.
It was kind of nice actually, the stereo has a different sound when the windows are closed. The highs come in a little crisper revealing a bit more detail in the guitar tones and percussion. And as i arrived i walked slowly through the rain watching everyone with their umbrellas jog into the building as if the precipitation had been something much more threatening than rain. I like the rain too much to run through it. Had it been colder i may have quickened my step a bit, but it was a refreshing temperature, one that if i did actually get a chill it would be quickly remedied by a cup of coffee. It all seems so surreal though... Which leads into my main topic.

I watched a movie tonight called The Machinist. Christian Bale (my favorite actor) plays the main character. If you've never seen the film and are interested you should probably STOP READING NOW. There's a reoccurring scene in the film where Bale sits at an airport coffee shop and orders the same cup of coffee and piece of pie whenever he goes. While there he talks to the waitress, just chatting really; pleasant polite conversation. There are a lot of similar scenes in the movie. Well, it turns out that he had been silent the entire time. The character of the waitress was a character from his past that he had manifested dialog with. None of it was real and it reminded me too much of myself. All the times i've gone out to places alone and just sat with a beer. Sometimes there would be someone, but no one i could ever remember the name of or prove that they even exist. I pictured myself looking into a half empty bottle and cooking up something entertaining. I really don't have anything to show for the four months that i've been here other than a few personal possessions that i wouldn't terribly miss if they had vanished upon waking tomorrow.

I wouldn't be that startled if i woke up in Poughkeepsie tomorrow. It seems so insane, but this feels too much like a script. There are reoccurring images that send my mind directly to memories as if everything i have been experiencing in this place is a mixed up distorted collage of my life up until four months ago.

But, there are little things. People that i see on a regular basis. Their characters are too complex to have been a product of my imagination. This girl at the gym; she usually seems like she's trying so incredibly hard not to notice anything. Her head is always down on her walk to empty the trash that sits near the free weight area. But, tonight she was at the front desk and we exchanged both a greeting and a goodnight. Her voice is exactly as how i imagined it would be, although she put more charm into it than i was expecting, and she used eye contact in the most dramatic way. You know... with a pause, looking down at a piece of paper while she delivered the first few syllables then looking up slowly with a developing smile all to climax in an unimaginably kind gesture. That was nice and it's little things like that that are going to keep me from going completely insane.

God damn my apartment's lookin good... I'm really proud of it right now. The motif is sort of a gothic styling, reminiscent of the way Poe may have lived had he been limited to a small apt. and had an affinity for shopping at target. After all this is his home turf so it seems appropriate given i may have similar sensibilities.
But, i just have to wonder what a random person would think...

It's raining, finally, after months of drought. It's nice. The windows are open so i can hear the drops hit the cement surrounding my apt.

The thing about stubby cigars is that when you drag them they're considerably hotter and ultimately more damaging to the taste buds in which you are relying so much to enjoy the accompanying drink. Only buy a stubby when you know you don't have time to commit to a full cigar and have another engagement to attend to. If given an option always choose a maduro stubby for it has a undeniable depth of flavor and longing aftertaste even with the short time in which to develop. Of course that applies to all maduro's, long or short. And, from personal experience do not enjoy your cigar with a shitty beer. Go out, spend a couple extra dollars on a Belgian work of art and have a good night.

It's monday, I've had a three philosophers Belgian and a nice but undeniably short-lived stubby and want to do something extraordinary. I'm at a loss though... Because in this mood when i could ask someone to go into the depths of existence, i have nothing, and no one in a place where i don't feel comfortable walking out of my doorway. But, i think i will anyway, because the wind is blowing in such a way that i would feel content.

Fuck driving in Richmond. As if i didn't have a shitty heart to begin with. Coming home from the gym, heart racing, not one but two shitty people drive right into the fucking street before looking anywhere causing me to slam on my breaks and have an anxiety attack. The rest of you are fucking lucky i didn't lose consciousness and kill somebody. I have a suggestion: sell your heap and buy a fucking bike like all those trendy fucks so if i hit you i don't have to die too. Damnit...

I went to a bar (there's one within walking distance of my place that is hardly ever crowded and has a few HD's that i can just stare at with a beer) and i sat down next to a few people. The one i was closest to makes eye contact and i ask her for her name and introduce myself. She's cute, although it's obvious she works very hard for it. (goes tanning, considerable makeup, good shape, and sadly from just overhearing a few conversations, not very bright) She keeps looking over at me attempting to make eye contact and i just give it back. A couple times i strike up a conversation but a minute or two into them she seems to lose complete interest and turns around to her friends. Here's the good part. Just before they're about to leave she leans over and says, "Can i ask you a really personal question?" I say, "shoot" and she asks, "Do you like men or women?" to which i respond, "women." She seems surprised and leaves.

Thank you once again Richmond for welcoming me with open arms and warming comfort...

Holy Shit! New BENIGHTED album is out. For everyone who is unaware, they are a French Brutal Death Metal band. In my top 5 bands of all-time and this is only their 4th release. They are possibly the most brutal band in existence. This is because of a few reasons: Unlike a lot of sloppy down-tuned grind out there they know how to slow it down and put some fucking groove into a riff. Breakdowns fall on you like 50 ton blocks of cement, solos dig from the left side of your face and rip it completely off, percussion (from a new member) that makes your lower intestine dance around inside you, and what's this! i can hear a fucking bass guitar! A very rare occurrence in death metal. Needless to say it's not leaving my car for a while and anyone who happens to sit next to me at a stop light is going to see a somewhat normal looking early 20's bachelor in business casual attire rocking the fuck out growling and screaming my throat into non-existence.

And Derek, if you read this, this is one of the major influences on my playing style, so listen carefully...
http://www.myspace.com/brutalbenighted

Someone told me that i wasn't interesting today. That marked the end of a short friday night story. I had gone to a bar, met a couple girls. They brought me around to a couple places, and one gave me her number seemingly excited that i would call. I'm a bastard though; i had no attraction to this girl other than to have a friend, maybe not even that. So i did call to tell her my intentions, but interrupting my polite delivery, she said, "No, i actually didn't find you very interesting." I think that's the most powerful insult i've ever received. Call me unattractive, call me strange, or even stupid. To be not interesting... i mean, people are so complex. There's so much going on in someone's head. They could be quiet or shy, but once you get inside, everyone is inevitably interesting. There's so much each person has experienced, so many stories to tell. And, i did tell them. I wasn't shy, i was tending to their every question with as much charm and poise as i'm capable of.
So, i just don't get it... It makes me think that all of my daily pleasures, my countless hobbies, unending pursuits are just fluff. I don't really have anything to show for any of it, other than a broad interest in everything. Maybe i spread myself too thin, or i'm too scatterbrained to ever accomplish anything. And this has made me bland, nothing but a gray mixture of off-color paint spattered against a white wall, when white is so much more... interesting.
Or, she could have just been looking for a word so that she would never have to see or speak to me again. Interesting was just the first thing that popped in her head so she let it rip not knowing that it would effect me so deeply.
It doesn't really matter in this cruel world of balance. If she didn't say that i would've had to say something (maybe a little more tactful) similar with the same result. I have no choice but to continue on, interesting or not.

Did you see Jimmy's car?
I sure did, let me tell you, a couple minutes i could hot wire that son o' bitch and be gone
You know how to hot wire?
Nah, not me, but my brother can. Ha, I can't hotwire no car, but my brother does it all the time.
Sure is a nice car.

I stopped listening and imagined sticking a gun in my mouth and saying good bye to this awful awful place. Wow, i mean, i'm not that big of a snobby asshole, but damnit. This was at the mall. I was walking behind them, struggling having just bought a 5' by 8' rug to put in my living room. It was an impulse buy so i didn't think ahead in parking anywhere near the store i bought it in. This leaves me walking through a terribly crowded mall, bag in one hand, balancing a fairly large rug with the other arm. It was dangerous. I even got a "Hey! that's a nice rug you got there!" It is nice, like really perfect. I was holding off on getting one for a while because i'm so incredibly picky with everything, but this one just popped right out and it fits so well. Anyway, that was an odd experience, i felt kind of like a lumber jack carrying a big log through... well... a shopping mall. I even think i got some good looks from girls who couldn't get over how big and strong i was... maybe... ok, not really.
And, i finally signed up for a blockbuster account. Feeling adventurous for my first pick i went with a foreign film and it bit me in the ass. It's this Czech film about some random people, and usually i love movies that just follow a few characters without much of a plot, but this was truly awful. None of the characters had any substance; it was like after watching them for 2 hours i didn't know anything more about them (except for a couple over-emphasized quirks) than if i had just seen their faces for the first time. The dialog was for the most part emotionless. I don't know, i might be being to harsh. Maybe i just don't understand the culture there... But, anyway, it's called Up and Down, and i suggest you avoid it.

"Hey, what size shoes do you wear?!" A question asked at the supermarket, while in line, from a guy... His response to my answer: "Wow, you know that's really rare to see!" To which i responded, "Yeah..." How do you respond to something like that? I mean, in grade school when someone would notice, the usual comment was, "You know what they say about guys with big feet?" to which you stand silent and wait for the "Big socks!" response, a fairly colorless and anti-climactic punch line. Had it been a cute girl there would have been a definite opportunity to flirt, but it was not. It was just a little awkward. And, right after that i get another kick to the testes. The cashier saw the 20 case of Michelob's i was buying and asked, "you going to a party?" I should have lied and said, "Yes, of course, i never drink alone" but i'm an honest person so the response was, "nope, those are all for me." You can probably imagine the way her face contorted from slight excitement to pity.
Eh, before that i had a terribly productive day. Right after work i went straight to Ashley furniture and bought a coffee table and a couple end tables, which will be arriving next saturday. And, i dropped over at target to pick up a water purifier and floor lamp. And, last night instead of spending time on this silly thing i went on a cleaning binge trying to make this place respectable and damnit, it almost looks good. When i'm done my apartment is going to be a sexy bachelor pad. I think i'm only a couple more months of paychecks away. The biggest obstacle will be making this place look artful. I want it to be dark and mysterious, but not creepy which represents two sides of a very thin line. In any event, tonight i'm feeling just a bit more comfortable here, which doesn't really effect my goings on outdoors, but it could have a passive influence on my overall well-being.

I should have written an entry last night to recap the weekend, but i was much too tired so i'm going to try to piece some of it together now. I don't want to get that detailed only because it would take too much typing and it's something i'd much rather talk about, so i'll just list a couple things. It seems fitting that i should make notes for myself to prepare for similar situations:
1) When going on a business trip you can never ask too many questions about your specific role and responsibilities. Large companies although very efficient in making money seldom care about the individual and, learning from this experience, will thrust them into a complicated situation with little instruction. I for the most part took matters into my own hands and did what i thought was appropriate, but the improvisation was a stress i could have done without.
2) When faced with a very short amount of time to be with friends never, never, dwell on the length of time. Worrying about messing something up or leaving without proper goodbye's or what conversation is more important to have, given the brevity of a situation, is all a waste of precious time. You just have to enjoy it. The time i valued most during this trip were times when it seemed like i was at home simply enjoying my friends. During those times i wasn't productive, wasn't worried about whether i was talking about something important, or trying to make an individual happy, i was just content with the interaction and company of others. This is a special thanks to derek james and chad. The day in new paltz was perfect and it assured me that although distance fucking blows, i'm not completely alone in the world.
3) When someone who has jerked you around before starts jerking you around again, fucking leave and don't feel guilty about it. I wasted a night on someone who is for the most part lost, and it was nothing but a frustrating experience. She may be a good person, but damnit she needs to figure out what she wants in life, only then will she stop wasting other people's time. I should've spent that night with a couple girls that i neglected because of my own insecurities. When someone tells me i'm cute, even though it's happened a couple times it's always like the first time and i am paralyzed by such a compliment simply because i'd accepted it wasn't true a long time ago. And this leads into the next.
4) Only spend time with people that make you happy. Everyone else isn't worth a second. I maybe a dick for saying this, but right now i'm really picky with good friends. I was a person that would do anything for anyone without question, but i'm slowly realizing that this mentallity only causes stress for myself and life is just too short to be around people you don't enjoy.

That's about it... It was overall a really good weekend and although i didn't see everyone i would've liked to (past residents of v4) my resnet buddies made me feel like i had never even left. You guys, seriously, priceless. This is a personal plead for you all to move down to richmond so we can fucking rule the bar scene.

On a side night i went to a little coffee shop tonight in hopes of finding a place to just sit and read with a cup of coffee. As soon as i entered people responded like i was from fucking mars. I asked for a coffee and got a response like nobody ever asks for a black cup of coffee. And, upon finding a quiet corner where the light was in the right position to read the bartender put on a song which had a chorus of "go home you damn yankee." What the fuck... I don't even know what happened but god damnit does this place fucking suck for people from the north east. But, the book, "the age of reasoning," what i mind trip. James gave it to me and it's seriously the best thing i've read ever. So James, thank you.

I went to the mall today. I wanted to buy a new white shirt to wear to poughkeepsie. I wonder how many people there will recognize me. I mean at the job fair, the underclassmen, walking by, just a familiar glance. I'm thinking there will be a few, looking at me in my white shirt and tie. I can only imagine what they'll think; maybe that i'm doing well for myself, maybe that i'm luckier than the average college grad to have a job. There might be a couple who automatically think that i am part of the machine now. I mean i work for the second largest bank in the world... That amount of money took a lot of evil, it took a lot pain to gather. I don't know how i'd respond to such an accusation. I might agree with them. But, overall i'm excited to see the reactions. Going from a place where no one knows you to somewhere everyone at least recognizes your familiar face is a welcoming notion.

While i was at the mall something strange happened. I had just bought the shirt and a few more pairs of my favorite boxer briefs and felt the need to wander around a bit. Walking out of the store i pass one of those kiosks, i didn't realize what the girl was trying to sell until she approached me. She said simply, "Sir, would you like to by a necklace, bracelet or anklet?" The words were simple, although a little strange for her to approach a male with such an offer. Her delivery, however, was staggering; full eye contact, forward body language, she even elongated the last syllable in anklet. I stopped for a second just to process the gesture and as soon as i regained some motor control responded, "No... thank you though." And as if i had just purchased the entire kiosk for more than it was worth she said in the same emphasized manner, "Well, you have a nice evening sir." I had no other choice but to wish her the same. It was a powerful few seconds of my life.

I continued on through the mall and into FYE. I hadn't intended on buying anything, just wanted to look around and see what metal had, against all odds, made it into such a store. Scanning the racks a cd popped right out at me. It was Crimson by the Alkaline Trio; a cd that i had been listening to, admittedly in mp3 form, for the past few weeks almost non-stop. It turned out to be a used copy selling for $8. With a smile on my face, i picked it up and started to walk toward the register when i thought, "Hey, i just bought a huge tv and a nice dvd player, not checking out the dvd's would be silly." So walking back to the dvd section the same thing happened. A movie, one that i had wanted to see for some time just because of hype and good reviews was right there, used. It was a copy of Natural Born Killers. I decided any further looking might end up in an empty bank account so i went up to pay. And again, female cashier, most delightful interaction. I don't know what it was. Possibly because she was well versed in punk (died hair, alternatively dressed) and agreed with my taste for the Trio, or maybe that she was just a genuinely, honestly, nice person. It's funny to encounter that. I mean i see people every day, i study them. If they show up more than once they've got a spot in my head all to their own where i think and speculate. Keeping such good track of people, you learn very well that there is more to words than just the definitions, but you have to feel them. You have to see how they're delivered. At that point you know when someone is being kind, or if they just think they're being kind. Those two girls were perfect examples of honesty in emotion. I've speculated about the seconds' motives (the first just left me dumbstruck) but that's really not important. They made me feel welcome, when not many things here have. Two simple interactions seemed to breathe new life into my feeble attempt at accepting Richmond as a home. I'm still alone here, and i'm still unhappy that my friends are so far off, but that helped.

Anyway, Natural Born Killers is a brutal, violent, disjointed and emotionally jarring film. I loved every second of it. Well done Oliver Stone.