So, Veronica blew me off. It was a weird situation. I had invited her over the first presidential debate to share a few beers and talk about how the country might be on the verge of collapse. I thought it would be fun, i thought we could bond and wish the world good riddance, but that is not what happened. Yes, i was a little drunk and smoking a cigar, so my apartment smelled like shit and i was not as tactful as my sober self. So i figured this was why she was so silent at first, so distant so uncomfortable. After the debate we really go to talking and i pushed her. I wanted to know what was wrong that was making her so distant. So, i pushed and pushed until she made it clear i was not getting anywhere, and then i quickly changed the subject to music. I tried to show her a few things, get her involved, break some the tension i had caused, but little to my knowledge it was making the situation worse. She felt like i was lecturing her, like i was still pushing, so she left. But, it seemed fine, i mean, yes, i pushed to get her involved and interact with me, but i thought she would translate this as me caring about her. I thought she would get the impression that i was telling her things i don't tell anyone else, sharing personal things with her.

A week later i IM her expecting to get some company on a lonely saturday night and she goes on a tirade; harsh accusations, one after another, of that night and things i thought were in the past. It was brutal, she made me feel like an asshole, like a terrible person who gets off on other people's weakness. I'm not, i'm a standup guy who respects boundries and i'm generally pretty perceptive. Veronica was looking for a reason to blow me off. Because on Labor Day of this year i told her i didn't want to date her. She said it was ok, and she said i was way too much of a "rockin guy" to not stay friends, but this was a lie. It's possible she didn't realize it when she said it. It's possible it took some time to sink in. But, Veronica doesn't have time for more friends, she doesn't have any energy left after school and two jobs and modelling and radio and music. She doesn't have any reason at all to keep me around because i just give her another thing to balance, another stress.

And it's for the best. She never did anything for me because i never had her trust. She made it clear that it takes a lot of time and effort to earn her kindness, and i just didn't have it in me. I'm impatient. I think you should be excited and welcoming and giving to people from the start and wait for them to break the trust. But, that's me, and she's different. We're just not compatible people, and that's all. Still in Richmond, still without a friend to lean on, and still alive. That's the biggest part. If i get into trouble i can call Travis and hope he picks up.

I woke up this morning with broken images of horror still reverberating in my memory. I'm not aware of my dreams that often, maybe one day out of the week, but for a long time now the ones i do remember have been nightmares. They always have the same set of themes, abandonment, being lost, carrying some unreasonable burden. They're all different in their imagery, but all dealing with the same concepts. My tasks aren't usually the disturbing part. For example, last night i had the task of carrying luggage for my family after a long trip. They didn't recognize me though and treated me like a bell hop. But, i was walking the luggage through a farm, muddy and enclosed in barbed wire. On the ground there were all sorts of small birds, wallowing in mud and nipping at my ankles. I just walked over and on them. Crushing some as i cleared a path for my apathetic family. That's how it always is. If not creepy bird-like creatures, then bugs or worms or something completely original that my head just seems to come up with.

I can't remember the last good dream i had; i can't remember when it happened or what my life was like at the time. I can only remember nightmares and the horrible images that escape my sub-conscious scarring, desensitising me.