I saw an angel at the supermarket today.

Something i'm still doing that i told myself i wouldn't do anymore: do things that seem attractive in my mind. I can't help it really... I feel like meeting people is easier that way even though it isn't fucking working. And i found a song that i can play really obnoxiously loud in my car while driving gangsta with the windows down: Jimmy Eat World - Cautioners. It's one of my favorites and really shows some sensitivity. I'm a fucking loser.

Oh yesterday, today has come and erased you and it was a good thing indeed because you were awful. Yesterday was a moment of realization. The realization of futility the likes i've never been witness to before. A futility that didn't seem like it was going to ever be resolved. I am a weakling, i am a sham, and i don't think i can ever deal with a plan that's longer than five days. When i can see years into my future it is a dark thought, a thought that invites other equally unattractive thoughts with it all at once without warning or even good manners. I saw at least a decade yesterday and it made me white, it made me cold, it made me drink the rest of my beer supply in a show of adolescent rebellion. But it was ok, because i had a friend, and a British comedy. I am still feeling rather weak though. I'm so incredibly impatient, and greedy and selfish; i want happiness, right now without all the dull work and repetition of a normal productive life.
Today was different for some reason though, possibly because i had no more beer to drown my sorrows, but it was different. It was cool and damp and uncommonly peaceful. I felt a little more motivated, a little more complacent even. I don't know... this is all so... strange. I'm still trying to figure out if i like being here, if i like going to work, whether it's even worth it to find people with something in common with me. But, the futility again, i have no choice in the matter. I mean, i do, but i wouldn't do anything extreme at this point because too many people would be disappointed and because i'm a big pussy. Alas, i need to calm down and focus on a few things before i go nuts. Worrying about all this mess about where i'm going to be in 10 years is too much to handle right now.

Tonight i'm drinking smithwick's a few thoughts droning in my head. First it's been a month since i moved down here. It seems like no time has passed at all, but i've gotten a lot done, still have little to no furniture, but things like that take a lot of time. Another thing that takes a hell of a lot of time is meeting people, friends, cute girls, whatever. So far i've met a 50+ year old hippie/deadhead, a 30+ cook for a local restaurant, a somewhat unfavorable 30+ coworker, and to end the list on a high note, a cute junior in college. That is good, she's an awesome chick, but she doesn't have any friends here and she's moving away within weeks. So after that... i'll be back to not knowing any people like me. I say like me with a loose definition, more along the lines of age and recklessness than interests. I sort of met one other person, which seemed really hopeful. It was a strange scenario. I was wasted having gone to a bar alone and stayed there until nearly close just drinking at the bar developing a massive crush on a bartender covered in tattoos, only to have my hopes destroyed hearing that she was married to a member of the band avail, a very well known punk outfit. So i left and took an odd form of transportation back to my apt. a dude, on a bike, with a carriage attached to it. So i'm drunk and fairly talkative and bring up the local music scene, and he starts naming bands while i mention bands and we wind up having a decent conversation, which ended with a phone number and an invitation to get wasted the next night. This is all great so far, but i called, and to keep things delicate, he had some major family issues and couldn't do anything. And, i should remain somewhat hopeful for that connection, but i know that i was just some random drunk dude, probably not worth contacting again. So it goes. We'll see; i'll keep going out to bars, and shows, and whatever else comes up, but i'm impatient. I'm so used to seeing friendly faces at every turn, now i just don't have that and i want it back.