Best of 2023

I felt my anger rising this year. I was rude to more people. In the past I always perceived myself as having unending patience, the ability to engage in a conflict and see it through to resolution with poise and calmness. But, I can feel something changing as I approach 40 years old. Over the past year when I found that an individual, a group, or an institution was being unjust, or short-sighted, or BORING, I found myself feeling the impulse to end the conversation prematurely, to respond with what I'm sure they perceived as an uncomfortably long period of silence while maintaining strong eye contact, eventually saying a purposefully cold word, and walking away.

I did it today. I was walking around with my camera wearing a Pig Destroyer shirt under a ratty beaten up flannel. My subjects were mostly garbage. For some reason the marriage of rotting cold winter vegetation and Coca-Cola cans struck my eye as interesting. A large family came up behind me, all the kids were holding menacing large sticks, swinging them violently at the muddy ground kicking up James River residue. This wasn't a common place to be. It was somewhat secluded, a quiet place, good for a lonely man to take a picture. The patriarch of the family came up to me and said, "You know I was just thinking this is probably a great place to take pictures." I don't know what I expected from him, but this seemed very selfish. The only thing I was thinking was, "It was right up until your kids started swinging sticks into the mud scaring that majestic great blue heron stalking in the reeds over there." I looked at him for an uncomfortable moment and eventually responded "Right," and slowly walked away. I think years ago I would've been kinder, I just have so much anger right now.

I don't know why exactly this is happening. Watching the conflict in Gaza, watching the still raging death in Ukraine, watching the hawks beat war drums looking toward Iran and China on the horizon might be causing me some emotion. Seeing the young people protest and chant nonsense in response is causing another emotion. The world is turning, the same, the same, the same, none of this absurdity and death means anything and nothing stops it, it continues like crashing waves on my beaten shores. 

New media looks an awful lot like old media, so-called scientists have podcasts pushing products that turn out to be snake oil or poison. Stephen Fry was lambasted recently for saying that he wanted people to be kind to each other. That was interesting. These things may be piling up.

The freeing aspect of feeling this way is that I don't feel the judgment of others anymore. My coatrack neck, my self performed sloppy haircut, my "fuck you very much fashion sense," are all things that I imagine is making people uncomfortable, but they just said "From the River to the Sea," they just watched and fully embraced a youtube video explaining the history of the lost and forgotten civilization of lizard people, they just stammered on with their friend about how offensive Dave Chapelle has become.

I just don't have time for that shit. So if you see me and say something silly, enjoy that moment of silence, I've been told I have very nice hazel eyes. Enjoy the timbre of my deep voice when you receive the one syllable you deserve and enjoy your day you BORING prick.

And with that, my list for 2023.

Best of 2022

 1) Cult of Luna - The Long Road North

Disruption is a concept I keep hearing in various contexts working in the tech industry. I can't help but cringe when the word is wrapped in a well-tailored business suit. I've spent my life endlessly exploring and analyzing disruptive culture. The true disruption is to express something dangerous, frightening, unmarketable. Disruption should be felt in one's core, it should challenge you, change you, turn you into something different than what you were yesterday. An app can't be disruptive, a siloed cesspool of social media does not have the capacity to disrupt.

Cult of Luna does and I honestly don't know how it all works in the background. I can picture members of the band sitting in a room with a record company exec trying to describe this album. 

    "The Long Road North is about the inevitable reality that everyone lives and dies alone, spending a fair amount of time running from forces out of their control, falling in love and having it stripped away by more uncontrollable forces. The demise will come eventually but only after hallucinating an illusion of the past that never actually existed, simply a final comfort in their final moments."

    "Green light my boys! Here's your money!"

While I'm sure Metal Blade is taking care of this incredible band, I can't imagine this was a very successful album in context of the music marketing machine. This is due to the fact that it is disruptive, it's full of uncomfortable feelings, dissonance, aggression, and submission that to a broader audience is too hard to swallow. When the masses want their music sugar coated with new flings and fun nights, there is no place for Cult of Luna. The band's commitment to their vision given the unlikely outcome of success is why I love them, why I'll always be a loyal fan.

Best of 2022

 2) Hangman's Chair - A Loner

I spent a lot of time thinking about this album in 2022 and still thinking about it deep into 2023. I've oscillated a lot over past years between thinking I was a loner and thinking that's just the insecurity talking and I'm actually like everyone else, a social creature requiring affection and attention. 2022 confirmed it, I'm definitely a loner and thinking otherwise gets me into trouble.

Along with spinning this album somewhat compulsively, I've been thinking about loners from the past, people who lived mostly solitary lives and still contributed to humanity in some definable way. There's a few of them and they certainly have lessons to learn about the dangers of alcoholism and other self-destructive behaviors that ultimately lead to a short life. We'll see if these lessons can help me build some semblance of sustainable existence. Regardless, for this loner, Hangman's Chair is my kind of dear friend.

Best of 2022

 3) Ashenspire - Hostile Architecture

I remember having a thought a long time ago about what a minimum viable society should look like. There were some obvious requirements I think would need to be enforced to truly feel like I was part of something meaningful. Is everyone well-fed and healthy discounting unavoidable illness? When illness strikes is there universal access to care? Is everyone housed adequately? Are there ample avenues of education? Is that education fueled with as much objective information as possible? Does leadership care about the individuals they speak for? Lots of other questions, but thinking about this list it's my perception we've failed at some point and the society we live in isn't a society, but rather a meatgrinder with a perpetually rotating crank under the relentless force of Moloch.

This album is a detailed analysis of the structure and design of the meatgrinder and the hand that cranks it. It's anger blasts and burns and ultimately feels like a welcome catharsis. This is the kind of music that should matter because it exposes evils and expects a response. I think we're beyond the point of looking to our music for guidance, Woodstock was a long time ago. It is nice to see a group of musicians still trying though.  

Best of 2022

 4) The Antichrist Imperium - Volume III Satan In His Original Glory

"I would very much like to play live to be honest, logistically it would take some work and unfortunately with life/jobs/mortgages etc… It comes down to money, but fingers crossed in the future we can align the planets and make it happen."

This is Matt Wilcock, lead guitarist of The Antichrist Imperium describing the unlikelihood of playing live with his band because of logistical issues. Those logistical issues are simply their drummer David Gray lives in London and Matt lives in Melbourne. Listening to this album it's a somewhat unbelievable revelation that these men are very rarely in the same room together. There's a very intimate presence here, like they've painstakingly sweated over little details to make a more cohesive whole together.

In reality The Antichrist Imperium is an example of professional musicians at the top of their game doing what they need to do to produce honest music. David Gray is an atomic clock blasting in perfect time. Matt Wilcock's tremolo speed puts a hummingbird's feeble attempts at levitation to shame. These men are incredible artists who will never be honored with a Grammy, will never be able to earn a living from their life's ambition, will never be able to retire comfortably enough to teach their talents to the next generation. Those listening now better listen well because no matter how offended you are by the album art, this is the absolute bleeding edge of musical ability. Anyone not paying attention is going to lose their chance when these men find themselves too tired to keep giving status quo the middle finger.

Best of 2022

 5) Artificial Brain - Artificial Brain

This album reminds me of my self-indulgent preamble to the year in that I've witnessed a lot of people cheating, I've witnessed myself cheating, to make a buck, to avoid making waves, to avoid unpleasantness. Lies are just a way of getting past an uncomfortable moment so we can move on to the next one. Maybe this moment will be a good one, one we can share with friends with total honesty.

Keeping this lens in mind, why would a band create music like Artificial Brian's self-titled release? If they were trying to cheat they would've picked a more agreeable style and presentation, they would've tried to consider what would be profitable, what would be relatable in order to make money. They didn't. Given the current state of artificial intelligence one might assume that all art is subject to a taking over by the artificial, but that should only be a concern for profitable artistic expressions. For creations that depend on the catharsis of creation, AI generation doesn't compete. The purity in creation for emotional catharsis is required to be a solely human endeavor because those seeking catharsis don't want or need help in expressing their emotion. They work tirelessly to do it because the catharsis is more important than any meaningless monetary reward (as long as they can pay the rent). This album is an expression, real, tangible, organic. I personally love the irony on display here, a band named Artificial Brain releasing some of the most human music imaginable.

Best of 2022

 6) Helpless - Caged in Gold

When looking around for an honest to goodness grindcore record this year I kept seeing Wormrot held on high as if it were the best grind release of the century. It may very well be a juvenile adherence to rebellion that kept me from liking that record, but damn it I just didn't. It felt a little too clean, a little too polished, a little too adult when my expectation of grind is that it's fucking rough around the edges, ugly, sloppy, difficult to swallow. Helpless is exactly to my taste. Giving credence to my childish banality I did feel a bit prideful when scanning through lists toward the end of the year. This one was never mentioned, not once. Shame on the masses for their ignorance of the true underground, shame on me for caring. 

Best of 2022

 7) Wake - Thought Form Descent

It's rare for a band to start out in one place stylistically and over time evolve into something different while still keeping pieces of that original identity. Usually bands start somewhere, evolve a little and slowly die as they run out of ideas, or worse yet sell out by adding a bunch of clean choruses and wearing cool clothes <cough>In Flames</cough>. Wake started out as a crusty, grindy hardcore band and now they're playing something more akin to blackened death metal. There are still glimmers of their early crusty years though which is exactly the thing that makes them special. They have no contemporary in the current space they occupy because they keep challenging their own vision of what heavy music sounds like and I'm personally hoping the keep it up. Who knows where they'll end up before the journey is over.

Best of 2022

8) Cave In - Heavy Pendulum

There's only one thing wrong with this record. There are too many great songs on it. It's too jampacked with winning ideas, catchy constructions, viral hooks, so much so that it's a legitimate struggle to get through in a single session. When originally trying to confirm if this was list material, I found myself starting it at different places and seeing if one or two songs was enough to judge it, but no matter where I started, every track stood out as memorable. It was a very unusual experience to realize that at this late stage in their career, there are so many fresh ideas still left in the tank. Of course some of this might have to do with the untimely death of vocalist/bassist Caleb Scofield and the band's attempt at keeping his memory alive, keeping the integrity of the band intact. Regardless of the reason, this album is killer top to bottom, it's just too damn long.

Best of 2022

 9) Verberis - Adumbration of the Veiled Logos

Up until December, this spot was occupied by Deathspell Omega, begrudgingly. It wasn't a great record, somewhat plodding and directionless, so I thought number 9 was appropriate, but I was only going to put them here out of loyalty, not the best reason. Luckily in December I was looking at Ulcerate's metal-archives page curious what they were up to. Lo and behold I found out Ulcerate's virtuosic drummer was attached to the line-up on this record. Upon the first few spins my begrudging loyalty was eschewed for an album actually worthy of this position. Verberis has a very similar feel to Deathspell Omega, blasting dissonant black metal occasionally capitalizing on well placed atmospheric interludes, and in the year 2022 they have the better album.

Best of 2022

 10) Oh Hiroshima - Myriad

How predictable... My number 10 spot being a band I've chosen before. Tim Hecker, Bohren, Dustin O'Halloran, were otherwise busy this year, but these friendly nuclear wielding post rockers put out another very strong post-rock album. It's got the requisite textures and warm tones that comfort without overstaying its welcome. My number 10 spot is often not very heavy in concept or complexity. Myriad is simply a collection of attractive sounds, the bait for a violent trap, the music in the elevator on the way to gallows. I love listening to this album when trying to think, when trying to work, it's a nice analgesic when I'm playing those games no one likes to play.

Best of 2022

I stupidly bought quite a few Powerball tickets this year, along with a lot of other stupid people. Knowing the lottery is a tax for the poor, a way to dangle hope in front of a depressed populous to keep them marching forward, an action equivalent to lighting a small fire in your bank account and hoping some of the meaningful/meaningless money escapes the flame. The justification was simple enough, the want to dream for a moment away from the rent collectors. What does that look like? The end of a daily challenge to maintain one's piece of the pie.

I shouldn't care what that looks like, yet I do. I often tell people that it's not the end of the journey that's important. If you wanted to start playing violin it would be silly to pick up a Stradivarius as your first instrument. A more appropriate first step would be going to a local music shop, talking to someone who knows a thing or two about beginner instruments, asking them what the best resources are for lessons. Maybe they take an interest in what you're trying to do and tell you a secret you could never have come across without that minor interaction, a secret that propels you into the depths of a new passion, a spark that lights the flame.

So why do I dream about the end, winning a lottery, skipping the journey, jumping to the front of the line before I deserve it? I've spent a lot of time thinking about that this year. It comes down to which games I'm willing to play during this short life. I don't like the money game. It doesn't make any sense to me. To make money I take shortcuts, I lie, cheat, steal, break trusts, abandon every thread of my moral fiber. I apologize for doing that, anyone who happens to be listening. I'd much rather spend time doing things I enjoy before I'm either buried or reduced to a pile of gray ash. Haven't decided which I'd prefer yet.

A game I like playing is taking a picture for example. When evaluating which camera I want to buy next I wouldn't dream of looking at Hasselblads. That's a lie, I do look, I just know I don't deserve it yet. So I spend an inordinate amount of time evaluating the best value for money at as close to my current skill level. Right now that means getting some full frame with focus peaking and a mount I know is compatible with good quality manual focus lenses. I'm past needing or wanting speedy auto-focus, I'd much rather take an extra second or two practicing my throw speed and deciding exactly what part of the subject to focus on.

I feel the same way toward these lists. I know that with every passing year my nose for the things I love gets a little better. And luckily there's no ultimate best album. There's no cheating allowed or even possible, no skipping to the front of the line, it's all the journey. The only way it's possible to even feel like you've cheated is to live in a cave and then ask your obsessive friend what they liked over the course of the year. But, even then you're not going to get what you want. What you're going to get is a healthy dose of disappointment when you find out your friend likes trad doom just a little too much.

When I tell people to enjoy the journey it assumes they're currently playing a game they want to play, and aren't just learning arbitrary rules for arbitrary games, to satisfy rent collectors and get through the day unscathed. That yellow jersey you've been wearing for decades, covered in grass stains and sweat, the one you hate wearing should be discarded. Or at least temporarily laundered while you decide what game you actually want to play. The game you not only want to sweat for, but bleed for. I have a tendency to try to get people to want to play my games. Team sports are more fun. But, when people obviously don't enjoy the journey, there's not much I can do other than say, "This isn't the game for you."

And with that, welcome to my Best of List of 2022. Enjoy it... unless it's not your game. In that case, use your time more wisely for god's sake.