Sometimes i sleep for no reason. Maybe after reading for a bit in the middle of the day my eyes feel heavy, but i know i'm not tired. Still, i just lift my legs up onto the sofa and lay my head on a pillow and attempt to drift off. Sometimes i can't, sometimes my body refuses by signaling my heart to race. It beats so hard i can feel it in my throat. It turns into a battle between the indifference i feel toward my surroundings and my pounding heart. I just want to sleep, and with perseverance my eyes open an hour later glazed over and blurry. After a minute or so i come to be fully alert but still faced with the same problem.

There's no reason for me to keep on doing this and i need reason, i breathe reason. It's silly, but i just can't do anything for myself. I need someone to do it for. I need orders, requests, and favors. I need someone to guide me toward something, whatever they choose; it makes no difference to me.

It's January 4th today, the new year, an opportunity to make changes, an opportunity to fix some of the mess i've created. I'd like to think that the new year will bring new opportunity, new hope, but it's bullshit. You make your own good luck with tireless bareknuckle effort; something i'm not very good at.