I felt my anger rising this year. I was rude to more people. In the past I always perceived myself as having unending patience, the ability to engage in a conflict and see it through to resolution with poise and calmness. But, I can feel something changing as I approach 40 years old. Over the past year when I found that an individual, a group, or an institution was being unjust, or short-sighted, or BORING, I found myself feeling the impulse to end the conversation prematurely, to respond with what I'm sure they perceived as an uncomfortably long period of silence while maintaining strong eye contact, eventually saying a purposefully cold word, and walking away.
I did it today. I was walking around with my camera wearing a Pig Destroyer shirt under a ratty beaten up flannel. My subjects were mostly garbage. For some reason the marriage of rotting cold winter vegetation and Coca-Cola cans struck my eye as interesting. A large family came up behind me, all the kids were holding menacing large sticks, swinging them violently at the muddy ground kicking up James River residue. This wasn't a common place to be. It was somewhat secluded, a quiet place, good for a lonely man to take a picture. The patriarch of the family came up to me and said, "You know I was just thinking this is probably a great place to take pictures." I don't know what I expected from him, but this seemed very selfish. The only thing I was thinking was, "It was right up until your kids started swinging sticks into the mud scaring that majestic great blue heron stalking in the reeds over there." I looked at him for an uncomfortable moment and eventually responded "Right," and slowly walked away. I think years ago I would've been kinder, I just have so much anger right now.
I don't know why exactly this is happening. Watching the conflict in Gaza, watching the still raging death in Ukraine, watching the hawks beat war drums looking toward Iran and China on the horizon might be causing me some emotion. Seeing the young people protest and chant nonsense in response is causing another emotion. The world is turning, the same, the same, the same, none of this absurdity and death means anything and nothing stops it, it continues like crashing waves on my beaten shores.
New media looks an awful lot like old media, so-called scientists have podcasts pushing products that turn out to be snake oil or poison. Stephen Fry was lambasted recently for saying that he wanted people to be kind to each other. That was interesting. These things may be piling up.
The freeing aspect of feeling this way is that I don't feel the judgment of others anymore. My coatrack neck, my self performed sloppy haircut, my "fuck you very much fashion sense," are all things that I imagine is making people uncomfortable, but they just said "From the River to the Sea," they just watched and fully embraced a youtube video explaining the history of the lost and forgotten civilization of lizard people, they just stammered on with their friend about how offensive Dave Chapelle has become.
I just don't have time for that shit. So if you see me and say something silly, enjoy that moment of silence, I've been told I have very nice hazel eyes. Enjoy the timbre of my deep voice when you receive the one syllable you deserve and enjoy your day you BORING prick.
And with that, my list for 2023.
