"Just relax..." I find myself saying these words in my head over and over again. No matter how hard i try to convince myself i just can't. I need someone else to tell me, "Just fucking relax!" I used to have that, a long time ago. I can remember the words, how they were spoken, with a half silly, half serious, fully comforting expression. After trying to figure out why i've been so unimpressed with most females that cross my path this line of thinking leads me to a very possible conclusion. No one is able to realize how up tight i am and respond with calming words of reassurance and gentle contact. It's a tall order admittedly; i try my absolute hardest not to show my tension on the outside, most of the time by trying to make other people feel more comfortable around me. I guess i'm looking for someone to see through that, to understand. But, i guess that's what everyone is looking for in some respect: someone to understand you without you having to explain.

I was at a loss for dinner tonight. I wanted to do something with double battered breaded chicken. I went as far as cooking them in the oil before i accepted that these breaded thinly cut breast pieces had no intricately designed future. I stood over the counter and ate piece by piece, dipping each in BBQ sauce with the next cooking in the pan. This with a small glass of brandy and a couple spoon fulls of Ben and Jerry's Fudge Brownie ice cream. (The only ice cream i will admit to enjoying) It was a pretty sad display for anyone who happened to look through my kitchen window, (Hopefully no one because that would be creepy...) but it worked considering i'm not hungry anymore. Still haven't decided if i'll hit the gym. I should... i can't feel the brandy and it would be nice to see cute gym girl even though she's taken to shunning my subtle recognition of her.

edit: I did in fact go to the gym. She shunned me. I had an anxiety attack during my second set of dumbbell presses forcing me to leave early. On the way home i was completely cut off by some blonde on a cell phone and after passing her ass was stuck behind a busted volvo going 10mph right up to my parking lot. Damnit...

I'm not at all tired... mostly because i passed out after work with nothing better to do and no ambition to go find something. When i woke up in a daze i figured i should get something done, so i went over to radioshack for dvd-r's, the liquor store for a decent bottle of brandy, then target for plaster nails to hang my first framed print. (the art thing is going to happen slowly, to get the print i wanted it set me back $120...) Radioshack was beyond frustrating. Every time i go there are three employees and three people they're helping. And these people all seem to have really complex problems. I hear them complaining about not having enough minutes on their phone, or why some battery won't charge, or why they should pay full price for something that should obviously be discounted. Today one woman actually picked up a call while someone was helping her and proceeded to have a five minute conversation while the employee just stood there. (no exaggeration) It was ridiculous. At one point one person behind the desk mentioned to his co-worker that i had been waiting for some time and suggested she put her customer's futile battery search on hold to help me. The girl responded with a very curt, "I'm with a customer!" The customer, i could tell, was a friend of hers and she was enjoying talking to her between retrieving the wrong models of batteries. No matter, i eventually got out of there to face a very similar situation at target. The liquor store however was a breeze, but i had my heart set on a couple different brandies neither of which the store had... Kind of a frustrating trip overall. But, i did return, i did hang my first piece and i like it. It's a little weird for a guy's bachelor pad, but it fits perfectly with everything else i have going. Here's a link: http://www.deviantart.com/print/946509/

I'm going to try something silly tomorrow. I'm expecting a package, but i have to be here to sign for it because it's a bottle of wine i bought for my parents. I'm planning on waking up painfully early, going in to work for 4 or so hours, coming back, praying to God UPS shows up at a reasonable enough time, then going back to work to finish out an 8 hour day. I honestly don't think it's going to work, since i haven't had a successful run-in with UPS in the entire time i've been here. Fed-Ex is golden in my book though and i will be requesting them for all future packages. I just have to ride out this one last mistake...

On a side note, that description i gave of kevin was definitely a little harsh rereading it... I tend to be a little colorfully mean with this thing. Looking back i think it was just one thing that really put me off: Knowing that i was still fairly new here and questioning if i even wanted to call this place home he went forward in telling me everything that's wrong with Richmond. I don't want to hear such things in my current state. I want to hear descriptions of this place that make it out to be candyland if candyland were full of beautiful single women, cheap booz, and ample places to combine the two. So to Kevin, that was a low blow, i'm sorry dude, i'm sure in your element you're a decent guy, and i hope you eventually find that.

This weekend was somewhat eventful. Friday night after taking a quick nap and showering i picked up my phone with the intention of calling meg and in that same moment received a call from her interrupting my effort. One of those weird, intriguing coincidences, but it was during that call that we made some plans. We were to get some food first with chris (i don't think i've mentioned him much yet, but pretty much every time i see meg he's up for hanging out too and is an extremely chill guy) and Kevin (someone i met before but didn't know much about) then find some place downtown to get a few beers and relax. It took a while to decide on where to have dinner, a combination of chris and meg not having a preference and kevin's finicky tastes. After walking about half way down a street lined with restaurants of all kinds, a vague reference is made to a thai place and i immediately insist that we go in and grab a seat. Meg and chris however have been too nice with their passive indifference. Apparently they had been to this place not two days ago and didn't really like it... which they neglected to mention until after we had gotten our first round of drinks. But, it didn't matter since they were both a little short on cash and didn't order anything, which made me question to myself the importance of this plan to begin with. But, no matter... the food was superb and i managed to get a thai beer which was quite good.

It was during this meal that i got a full sense of Kevin's personality. He is a NJ/NY snob. I say this with mild regret, but it is the truth. The entire time he described a livid hatred for Richmond, but with little substantial evidence supporting his opinions. His most prominent complaint was simply that there is nothing to do here. I did not understand... I have been to so many bars and coffee shops and music venues, all with different types of people and different atmospheres. When i asked him to elaborate, naming a few places i've been to and that i in fact had a pretty good time, he would give me vague responses like, "Oh, i loathe that place... Oh i can't stand the people there," and "the music is just awful." He spoke of this coffee shop/diner that shut down as if it were his livelihood. This was the only place in Richmond he felt comfortable and since it closed it is as if his soul had been taken and life was not worth living anymore. He revealed also that he's from NJ and has an ultimate goal of living in NYC. This was not the only topic mind you. We covered, food, politics, music, all of which he could only name things that he hated with little reason and with little solution as to what would make it better. All i could make of him was simply that his primary goal was to find a small group of horribly pretentious, bitter people and sit around all day complaining about how awful the world is.

Just from reading this blog however you might venture that i have the same goal since i do complain quite a bit here, but i'd like to try and defend myself by saying i appreciate a lot about richmond and the world in general and enjoy reveling in the beauty of it all. Needless to say i didn't get along very well with kevin and understand fully why his number of friends in richmond can be counted on one hand even after spending the last 6 years here.

Chris and meg were as nice and open-minded as always though and it helped to balance the negativity. After dinner kevin took off expressing once again his hatred, this time towards the entire downtown area and that the thought of bar hopping made him nauseous. The two bars we went to were Europa and McCormack's.

Europa was a bar with a predominately older crowd. Most were very well-dressed and showing of their good financial standing. There was a small group in the back that consisted of three or four guys and what had to be three models. They were tall, terribly skinny, beautiful and walked around and interacted with people as if they were goddesses. It was a nice scene for a young bachelor. The music was a live set from a drum and bass DJ and the drinks were fairly pricey fitting the crowd that this place drew. We talked about things, nothing too deep. Meg and chris are naturally pretty quiet, reserved people so it took a few drinks before they really got into anything, but it was nice. It was at this moment that i decided they were my first two true friends here. They're really genuine good people; selfless, caring, open-minded.

McCormack's was a small quiet Irish pub that served to a very alternative crowd, lots of tattoos, piercings and dredlocks. The bartender was very cool and very knowledgeable about his whiskey. We were getting pretty buzzed and the topics went deeper and deeper into insecurities and wants and other important things a sober person has a hard time describing. It was at that point i realized how much chris needs a solid wingman, having been out of the dating scene for some time and not really having the confidence to jump back into it. I offered to follow him into battle anytime he felt the need and i'm hoping he takes me up on it, because i too could use a brother in the constant struggle with the female sex.

There were other details but none i feel ambitious enough to describe right now feeling the effect of a dark cigar and a rogue ale. So goodnight...

Around 3:30 this afternoon I was sitting in my cubicle reading. I was reading because that the online class delivery system has been taken down for a months time and i literally have nothing to do. I read, sometime for hours, but today i was caught, sort of. This guy clears his throat behind me. Panic strikes because i know full well that reading fiction at the workplace is frowned upon and would lead to a warning of some kind, but the panic leaves almost immediately realizing that no one would really care. I turn around with composure as if to convey that he was somehow interrupting something important and am faced with a mid-30's guy with an awkwardly excited look on his face. I recognize him vaguely but only from passing in the halls and possibly saying "good morning." (These words have become completely meaningless to me because of both the frequency of their use and the utter indifference of tone that everyone uses in releasing them)
He says "Jim?" as if i'm supposed to know him and i proceed to look confused and issue a response of, "yes?" He continues, "I think we've met... Karl, my name is Karl?" as if he's asking me his own name. Still confused i tell him, "Umm, i don't think so... " He cuts me off as my mind is racing through memories of my first 6 months on the job, considering the possibility of forgetting him completely, and says, "At a party... not so long ago... Jennifer? and Steve? They had a party at their house, I remember talking to you. You were with your wife...? At this point i decide that it's relevant to say, "I'm sorry, i just moved here a little while ago... I don't know who you're talking about and am a bit too young to be married." I say the last part with a light-hearted laugh to ease up some of the tension, which is of no use. He accepts the truth of the situation eventually, though still with an expression that says "I could have sworn that was you." I proceed to explain that i'm from NJ and a recent graduate of Marist and that i'm really sorry for the confusion. He trails off and leaves still with the same dumbfounded expression.

I didn't know really what to make of it, other than there's some guy with the same first name, and physical characteristics as me who is married and hangs out with IT people. I've never witnessed such an intense scene of mistaken identity in my life.

Weird...