"Just relax..." I find myself saying these words in my head over and over again. No matter how hard i try to convince myself i just can't. I need someone else to tell me, "Just fucking relax!" I used to have that, a long time ago. I can remember the words, how they were spoken, with a half silly, half serious, fully comforting expression. After trying to figure out why i've been so unimpressed with most females that cross my path this line of thinking leads me to a very possible conclusion. No one is able to realize how up tight i am and respond with calming words of reassurance and gentle contact. It's a tall order admittedly; i try my absolute hardest not to show my tension on the outside, most of the time by trying to make other people feel more comfortable around me. I guess i'm looking for someone to see through that, to understand. But, i guess that's what everyone is looking for in some respect: someone to understand you without you having to explain.

I was at a loss for dinner tonight. I wanted to do something with double battered breaded chicken. I went as far as cooking them in the oil before i accepted that these breaded thinly cut breast pieces had no intricately designed future. I stood over the counter and ate piece by piece, dipping each in BBQ sauce with the next cooking in the pan. This with a small glass of brandy and a couple spoon fulls of Ben and Jerry's Fudge Brownie ice cream. (The only ice cream i will admit to enjoying) It was a pretty sad display for anyone who happened to look through my kitchen window, (Hopefully no one because that would be creepy...) but it worked considering i'm not hungry anymore. Still haven't decided if i'll hit the gym. I should... i can't feel the brandy and it would be nice to see cute gym girl even though she's taken to shunning my subtle recognition of her.

edit: I did in fact go to the gym. She shunned me. I had an anxiety attack during my second set of dumbbell presses forcing me to leave early. On the way home i was completely cut off by some blonde on a cell phone and after passing her ass was stuck behind a busted volvo going 10mph right up to my parking lot. Damnit...