At checkout i had these 5 items:
Bread
6-Pack of Beer
Oatmeal
Pretzels
Maple Syrup

The girl at the cash register said with a gentle laugh, "You know those have nothing to do with each other." Flirtatious? Maybe, but they really do have quite a bit to do with each other. Beer with pretzels! oatmeal topped with maple syrup is a personal favorite, and well bread is just an essential. Of course i spared her from the explanation, but i appreciated the playful comment.

Tonight i'm listening to The Scorpions and maybe a little Judas Priest later. Tonight is for the godfathers of metal because i've been spending too much time confusing myself with the countless sub-genres that have spiraled out of control. Of course i am all for diversity and originality, but i find it extremely important to go back once in a while and remember what started it all.

The holiday weekend was stressful. I found myself wearing a meaningless smile most of the time so as to avoid awkward questions. My parents tried their best to be supportive of me and i am appreciative, but my sister and i will never get along. No matter how much time passes, it's always the same. I can manage to put up with her for one day, but anything beyond that drives me to the brink of insanity. Her daughter is cute though and i am hoping that in her times of rebellion grows far away from my sister's personality. This is harsh, but it's honest. The food was good though and my car is in perfect running condition for maybe another 10,000 miles.

Driving seven hours is no fun. I'm proud of myself for pulling it off. I can remember years ago when going through a toll booth made me break out into a cold sweat. Those days are gone, but a trip that long does test the limits of creativity. I found myself constantly thinking of ways to pass the time. The dark lonely roads providing just enough distraction as to make me completely lucid. (I can only think clearly when something consumes a part of my attention) I thought about a lot of things. Most of them pointing to a question: What the hell am i doing down here? But, those thoughts were silenced by reflection on my experiences so far. I've learned to cope with a lot of shit and it's having an effect on me. I saw it fairly clearly at the supermarket tonight.
I think i'm sort of reverting back into what i wanted to become in High School: a non-entity. I wanted to slip in and out of a person's memory like a brief silent wind. From my experience then any attention that happened to be directed toward me was negative so i wanted to avoid it. I succeeded rather well. Anytime i see someone from High School when i'm at home they don't recognize me. I understand that my appearance has changed quite a bit, but i believe that i left no mark on their mortal existence whatsoever. And, this is what i'm trying to do now. I'm speaking only when spoken to. I'm checking commonly crowded areas before approaching so as to avoid interaction. This includes peaking around corners among isles of food in order to avoid coming even close to anyone. If i feel someone is looking at me, i put my head down and walk away or make an active effort not to make eye contact.
I started doing acting this way kind of recently, after all the misconceptions and unwelcoming actions from native Richmonders. Given, there are exceptions; there are a couple people here who actually care about my well-being and i appreciate them, but i don't think it's really helping with my overall impression of this city. I'm trying to decide whether it is because of a growing fear of rejection or a conceded feeling of superiority. It's most likely both considering my constant state of internal conflict. In either case i feel like i'm distancing myself from my neighbors and in reaction finding new ways to define my existence. Before it was for my friends. The reason i didn't treat myself destructively was because of the people who cared about me, who depended on me to to listen, to provide comfort in friendship. Now the reasons are shifting toward long-term goals. I'm thinking mostly for the sake of music. (today i thought up a killer idea for a really heavy concept album that involves everything i've been consumed with recently)
I guess now i'm trying to figure out how i can exist without other people to influence me. I've always thought that the more people you interacted with the wiser you would become because your ability to reason would be augmented by an uncountable number of original ideas. But, now i'm looking more for inner development. This may be just an natural progressive thought to ward off a new sense of depression, but if that's what i need to keep going, then so be it.

So i might be learning a bit of the martial arts. Interesting development, and a possibility for a more calm existence. I couldn't have asked for a better opportunity considering my levels of stress and anxiety have been at their peak. The person who offered even showed a willingness to be exposed to the art of metal. It should be interesting to see how a man at peace copes with the brutal cacophony that is the basis of such music.

It was definitely good to see my parents. To keep them entertained i brought them to a couple museums. The first was the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts. I've been before but it was a while ago, so i was still fairly excited about seeing it again, and knowing the museum had a couple picasso's i thought it would be a nice treat for my mom. (My mom has kind of made a hobby of picasso, she collects all sorts of historical books and prints of paintings) When we actually got to them she said to my father, "Now i hope you don't mind terribly, i want to just sit for a while with my picasso's."

My father was bored out of his mind though. My dad is a pretty simple dude to explain. He only appreciates things that make clear sense. He hates the abstract, theoretical and philosophical sides of life. Anything that he can't understand right away isn't of any use to him. You'd probably think, as i have for many years, that this is not such a good view of life, but i'm honestly starting to appreciate it. Since he spends his life in the real tangible world he can remember all sorts of obscure facts, statistics, and stories, and although he is a little too proud of his knowledge at times, it is impressive. There just remains one thing that i will never respect about his personality. He is incredibly racist. It's a product of his need to form a rule out of not so much evidence or experience. If one somewhat unethical Indian crossed his path just one time, he'll make all sorts of blanket statements about their entire culture. So needless to say whenever a topic of that nature came up i challenged him on it, not as aggressively as i used to (because that just ends up in him getting all angry and sometimes even physical) but with a passive sense, an open-ended, open-mined comment that led into another topic of conversation. Ha, if i make it sound like talking to my dad is an art... it really is.

It's so odd how my parents got along over so many years. This is a harsh statement, but i really believe it's only because of traditional family expectations that my mom never left. But, that was realistically only possible a long time ago. Now, there's so much security in growing old with someone, so much fear of the unknown, fear of being a middle-aged single woman, fear of having two entire family trees fall upon her with accusations and negative judgments. She's making the best of it, choosing her battles wisely, getting her feelings out with writing. (She writes short stories, not often, but sometimes; she'll go on benders, usually after stressful events)

Whoa, that was a pretty big tangent, but that is my intention with this thing, to get thoughts out that i have no other way to express, thoughts that would be a loss if they were just forgotten.

But, to continue, the other museum was the Science Museum of Virgina. It sucked. never go there unless you have screaming kids who like to touch things and don't yet understand what germs are. The rest of the weekend was filled with amazing food. They spared no expense in taking me out, so for that and their company i am infinitely grateful.

My mom ended the weekend by saying, "I wish i could just take you home and things would be like they used to..."

So, it seems cute gym girl is taken. This is a fairly logical assumption i made this past Sunday. She was sitting outside with a pretty emo looking dude. If the assumption is correct they make a fitting couple and i'm honestly not as disappointed as i normally would be. It's strange but our mutual greetings and occasional smiles are plenty for me right now. It's nice to know someone recognizes me as a regular in a place that i frequent. This is kind of a continuing thought from my last post, but i've come to be a lot more comfortable single. It's funny to look back at the last year of college. It seemed like all i wanted to do was be in the company of cute girls. I think most of it was from missing the intimacy of a steady relationship, since it was my first and only steady relationship. Now, that i've been without it for some time i've become less wanting of it, less addicted. There are more important things to focus on. And, damnit, i'm really making progress.

My parents are coming down this weekend to see how i'm doing. It's going to be a little stressful simply because my dad is perpetually pessimistic, but it'll be nice to see them. I think they'll be proud of what i've done so far.

World renowned failure at both death and life
Given nothingness, purgatory blight
To run and hide, a cowardly procedure
Options exhausted, except for anesthesia - anesthesia

An 10 ton riff is muted into silence upon the sight of flashing blue lights. An officer had pulled someone over on a crowded stretch of main st. Not seconds after the reflection from the lights fades a few spoken words from Mr. Steele.

I don't feel anything....

It's amazing how sometimes a song will fit what's going on around you so startlingly well that you look for reasons as to why it happened. Pure statistics will explain that given enough music and enough time out on the road coincidences happen. But, i choose to forgo the rules of statistics and say that i heard that song loud and clear for a reason. I am becoming numb, and i'm finally starting to appreciate it. Quiet nights are becoming bearable. Endless hours at the gym are showing. The pain in the fingertips of my left hand from playing a beautiful new acoustic guitar is worth the progress i've been making. I feel little other than a want to be the person i created the framework for in college. I just hope that when i become that person i haven't forgotten how to be human.

Anyway, like i said, i bought a new acoustic. She's seriously beautiful and sounds like a much more expensive guitar than what i bought it for. And i got my first actual job at work. My boss didn't know that i didn't have access to do such a job, but that is being fixed and i shall be well on my way by the end of the week.

Drummer Witold "Vitek" Kieltyka of the Polish extreme metal band DECAPITATED passed away in a Russian hospital from injuries sustained in a recent road collision. He was 23 years old.

Vitek and DECAPITATED singer Covan (real name: Adrian Kowanek) were hurt in an accident earlier in the week involving DECAPITATED's tour bus and a truck carrying wood in Gomel, on the Russia/Belarus border. Both musicians reportedly sustained serious head injuries in the collision, which is believed to have been the fault of the band's driver (although this has not yet been officially confirmed).

According to the Polish Internet portal Onet.pl, Vitek underwent trepanation, a form of surgery in which a hole is drilled or scraped into the skull, and was due to be transported to a hospital in Krakow, Poland for further treatment.

Covan's family released a statement yesterday (Thursday, November 1) that the vocalist's condition had improved. At the time, the vocalist was still said to be at a hospital in Novozybkov, Russia, where he and Vitek were taken following the accident.

I saw this man in person. I was in awe then, and the memory will be with me as one of the finest shows i've ever seen. Just another reminder of how fragile life is, and that death does not stop a hero. Vitek left a mark on this earth and me the likes of which very few are capable of...