"Just relax..." I find myself saying these words in my head over and over again. No matter how hard i try to convince myself i just can't. I need someone else to tell me, "Just fucking relax!" I used to have that, a long time ago. I can remember the words, how they were spoken, with a half silly, half serious, fully comforting expression. After trying to figure out why i've been so unimpressed with most females that cross my path this line of thinking leads me to a very possible conclusion. No one is able to realize how up tight i am and respond with calming words of reassurance and gentle contact. It's a tall order admittedly; i try my absolute hardest not to show my tension on the outside, most of the time by trying to make other people feel more comfortable around me. I guess i'm looking for someone to see through that, to understand. But, i guess that's what everyone is looking for in some respect: someone to understand you without you having to explain.

I was at a loss for dinner tonight. I wanted to do something with double battered breaded chicken. I went as far as cooking them in the oil before i accepted that these breaded thinly cut breast pieces had no intricately designed future. I stood over the counter and ate piece by piece, dipping each in BBQ sauce with the next cooking in the pan. This with a small glass of brandy and a couple spoon fulls of Ben and Jerry's Fudge Brownie ice cream. (The only ice cream i will admit to enjoying) It was a pretty sad display for anyone who happened to look through my kitchen window, (Hopefully no one because that would be creepy...) but it worked considering i'm not hungry anymore. Still haven't decided if i'll hit the gym. I should... i can't feel the brandy and it would be nice to see cute gym girl even though she's taken to shunning my subtle recognition of her.

edit: I did in fact go to the gym. She shunned me. I had an anxiety attack during my second set of dumbbell presses forcing me to leave early. On the way home i was completely cut off by some blonde on a cell phone and after passing her ass was stuck behind a busted volvo going 10mph right up to my parking lot. Damnit...

I'm not at all tired... mostly because i passed out after work with nothing better to do and no ambition to go find something. When i woke up in a daze i figured i should get something done, so i went over to radioshack for dvd-r's, the liquor store for a decent bottle of brandy, then target for plaster nails to hang my first framed print. (the art thing is going to happen slowly, to get the print i wanted it set me back $120...) Radioshack was beyond frustrating. Every time i go there are three employees and three people they're helping. And these people all seem to have really complex problems. I hear them complaining about not having enough minutes on their phone, or why some battery won't charge, or why they should pay full price for something that should obviously be discounted. Today one woman actually picked up a call while someone was helping her and proceeded to have a five minute conversation while the employee just stood there. (no exaggeration) It was ridiculous. At one point one person behind the desk mentioned to his co-worker that i had been waiting for some time and suggested she put her customer's futile battery search on hold to help me. The girl responded with a very curt, "I'm with a customer!" The customer, i could tell, was a friend of hers and she was enjoying talking to her between retrieving the wrong models of batteries. No matter, i eventually got out of there to face a very similar situation at target. The liquor store however was a breeze, but i had my heart set on a couple different brandies neither of which the store had... Kind of a frustrating trip overall. But, i did return, i did hang my first piece and i like it. It's a little weird for a guy's bachelor pad, but it fits perfectly with everything else i have going. Here's a link: http://www.deviantart.com/print/946509/

I'm going to try something silly tomorrow. I'm expecting a package, but i have to be here to sign for it because it's a bottle of wine i bought for my parents. I'm planning on waking up painfully early, going in to work for 4 or so hours, coming back, praying to God UPS shows up at a reasonable enough time, then going back to work to finish out an 8 hour day. I honestly don't think it's going to work, since i haven't had a successful run-in with UPS in the entire time i've been here. Fed-Ex is golden in my book though and i will be requesting them for all future packages. I just have to ride out this one last mistake...

On a side note, that description i gave of kevin was definitely a little harsh rereading it... I tend to be a little colorfully mean with this thing. Looking back i think it was just one thing that really put me off: Knowing that i was still fairly new here and questioning if i even wanted to call this place home he went forward in telling me everything that's wrong with Richmond. I don't want to hear such things in my current state. I want to hear descriptions of this place that make it out to be candyland if candyland were full of beautiful single women, cheap booz, and ample places to combine the two. So to Kevin, that was a low blow, i'm sorry dude, i'm sure in your element you're a decent guy, and i hope you eventually find that.

This weekend was somewhat eventful. Friday night after taking a quick nap and showering i picked up my phone with the intention of calling meg and in that same moment received a call from her interrupting my effort. One of those weird, intriguing coincidences, but it was during that call that we made some plans. We were to get some food first with chris (i don't think i've mentioned him much yet, but pretty much every time i see meg he's up for hanging out too and is an extremely chill guy) and Kevin (someone i met before but didn't know much about) then find some place downtown to get a few beers and relax. It took a while to decide on where to have dinner, a combination of chris and meg not having a preference and kevin's finicky tastes. After walking about half way down a street lined with restaurants of all kinds, a vague reference is made to a thai place and i immediately insist that we go in and grab a seat. Meg and chris however have been too nice with their passive indifference. Apparently they had been to this place not two days ago and didn't really like it... which they neglected to mention until after we had gotten our first round of drinks. But, it didn't matter since they were both a little short on cash and didn't order anything, which made me question to myself the importance of this plan to begin with. But, no matter... the food was superb and i managed to get a thai beer which was quite good.

It was during this meal that i got a full sense of Kevin's personality. He is a NJ/NY snob. I say this with mild regret, but it is the truth. The entire time he described a livid hatred for Richmond, but with little substantial evidence supporting his opinions. His most prominent complaint was simply that there is nothing to do here. I did not understand... I have been to so many bars and coffee shops and music venues, all with different types of people and different atmospheres. When i asked him to elaborate, naming a few places i've been to and that i in fact had a pretty good time, he would give me vague responses like, "Oh, i loathe that place... Oh i can't stand the people there," and "the music is just awful." He spoke of this coffee shop/diner that shut down as if it were his livelihood. This was the only place in Richmond he felt comfortable and since it closed it is as if his soul had been taken and life was not worth living anymore. He revealed also that he's from NJ and has an ultimate goal of living in NYC. This was not the only topic mind you. We covered, food, politics, music, all of which he could only name things that he hated with little reason and with little solution as to what would make it better. All i could make of him was simply that his primary goal was to find a small group of horribly pretentious, bitter people and sit around all day complaining about how awful the world is.

Just from reading this blog however you might venture that i have the same goal since i do complain quite a bit here, but i'd like to try and defend myself by saying i appreciate a lot about richmond and the world in general and enjoy reveling in the beauty of it all. Needless to say i didn't get along very well with kevin and understand fully why his number of friends in richmond can be counted on one hand even after spending the last 6 years here.

Chris and meg were as nice and open-minded as always though and it helped to balance the negativity. After dinner kevin took off expressing once again his hatred, this time towards the entire downtown area and that the thought of bar hopping made him nauseous. The two bars we went to were Europa and McCormack's.

Europa was a bar with a predominately older crowd. Most were very well-dressed and showing of their good financial standing. There was a small group in the back that consisted of three or four guys and what had to be three models. They were tall, terribly skinny, beautiful and walked around and interacted with people as if they were goddesses. It was a nice scene for a young bachelor. The music was a live set from a drum and bass DJ and the drinks were fairly pricey fitting the crowd that this place drew. We talked about things, nothing too deep. Meg and chris are naturally pretty quiet, reserved people so it took a few drinks before they really got into anything, but it was nice. It was at this moment that i decided they were my first two true friends here. They're really genuine good people; selfless, caring, open-minded.

McCormack's was a small quiet Irish pub that served to a very alternative crowd, lots of tattoos, piercings and dredlocks. The bartender was very cool and very knowledgeable about his whiskey. We were getting pretty buzzed and the topics went deeper and deeper into insecurities and wants and other important things a sober person has a hard time describing. It was at that point i realized how much chris needs a solid wingman, having been out of the dating scene for some time and not really having the confidence to jump back into it. I offered to follow him into battle anytime he felt the need and i'm hoping he takes me up on it, because i too could use a brother in the constant struggle with the female sex.

There were other details but none i feel ambitious enough to describe right now feeling the effect of a dark cigar and a rogue ale. So goodnight...

Around 3:30 this afternoon I was sitting in my cubicle reading. I was reading because that the online class delivery system has been taken down for a months time and i literally have nothing to do. I read, sometime for hours, but today i was caught, sort of. This guy clears his throat behind me. Panic strikes because i know full well that reading fiction at the workplace is frowned upon and would lead to a warning of some kind, but the panic leaves almost immediately realizing that no one would really care. I turn around with composure as if to convey that he was somehow interrupting something important and am faced with a mid-30's guy with an awkwardly excited look on his face. I recognize him vaguely but only from passing in the halls and possibly saying "good morning." (These words have become completely meaningless to me because of both the frequency of their use and the utter indifference of tone that everyone uses in releasing them)
He says "Jim?" as if i'm supposed to know him and i proceed to look confused and issue a response of, "yes?" He continues, "I think we've met... Karl, my name is Karl?" as if he's asking me his own name. Still confused i tell him, "Umm, i don't think so... " He cuts me off as my mind is racing through memories of my first 6 months on the job, considering the possibility of forgetting him completely, and says, "At a party... not so long ago... Jennifer? and Steve? They had a party at their house, I remember talking to you. You were with your wife...? At this point i decide that it's relevant to say, "I'm sorry, i just moved here a little while ago... I don't know who you're talking about and am a bit too young to be married." I say the last part with a light-hearted laugh to ease up some of the tension, which is of no use. He accepts the truth of the situation eventually, though still with an expression that says "I could have sworn that was you." I proceed to explain that i'm from NJ and a recent graduate of Marist and that i'm really sorry for the confusion. He trails off and leaves still with the same dumbfounded expression.

I didn't know really what to make of it, other than there's some guy with the same first name, and physical characteristics as me who is married and hangs out with IT people. I've never witnessed such an intense scene of mistaken identity in my life.

Weird...

At checkout i had these 5 items:
Bread
6-Pack of Beer
Oatmeal
Pretzels
Maple Syrup

The girl at the cash register said with a gentle laugh, "You know those have nothing to do with each other." Flirtatious? Maybe, but they really do have quite a bit to do with each other. Beer with pretzels! oatmeal topped with maple syrup is a personal favorite, and well bread is just an essential. Of course i spared her from the explanation, but i appreciated the playful comment.

Tonight i'm listening to The Scorpions and maybe a little Judas Priest later. Tonight is for the godfathers of metal because i've been spending too much time confusing myself with the countless sub-genres that have spiraled out of control. Of course i am all for diversity and originality, but i find it extremely important to go back once in a while and remember what started it all.

The holiday weekend was stressful. I found myself wearing a meaningless smile most of the time so as to avoid awkward questions. My parents tried their best to be supportive of me and i am appreciative, but my sister and i will never get along. No matter how much time passes, it's always the same. I can manage to put up with her for one day, but anything beyond that drives me to the brink of insanity. Her daughter is cute though and i am hoping that in her times of rebellion grows far away from my sister's personality. This is harsh, but it's honest. The food was good though and my car is in perfect running condition for maybe another 10,000 miles.

Driving seven hours is no fun. I'm proud of myself for pulling it off. I can remember years ago when going through a toll booth made me break out into a cold sweat. Those days are gone, but a trip that long does test the limits of creativity. I found myself constantly thinking of ways to pass the time. The dark lonely roads providing just enough distraction as to make me completely lucid. (I can only think clearly when something consumes a part of my attention) I thought about a lot of things. Most of them pointing to a question: What the hell am i doing down here? But, those thoughts were silenced by reflection on my experiences so far. I've learned to cope with a lot of shit and it's having an effect on me. I saw it fairly clearly at the supermarket tonight.
I think i'm sort of reverting back into what i wanted to become in High School: a non-entity. I wanted to slip in and out of a person's memory like a brief silent wind. From my experience then any attention that happened to be directed toward me was negative so i wanted to avoid it. I succeeded rather well. Anytime i see someone from High School when i'm at home they don't recognize me. I understand that my appearance has changed quite a bit, but i believe that i left no mark on their mortal existence whatsoever. And, this is what i'm trying to do now. I'm speaking only when spoken to. I'm checking commonly crowded areas before approaching so as to avoid interaction. This includes peaking around corners among isles of food in order to avoid coming even close to anyone. If i feel someone is looking at me, i put my head down and walk away or make an active effort not to make eye contact.
I started doing acting this way kind of recently, after all the misconceptions and unwelcoming actions from native Richmonders. Given, there are exceptions; there are a couple people here who actually care about my well-being and i appreciate them, but i don't think it's really helping with my overall impression of this city. I'm trying to decide whether it is because of a growing fear of rejection or a conceded feeling of superiority. It's most likely both considering my constant state of internal conflict. In either case i feel like i'm distancing myself from my neighbors and in reaction finding new ways to define my existence. Before it was for my friends. The reason i didn't treat myself destructively was because of the people who cared about me, who depended on me to to listen, to provide comfort in friendship. Now the reasons are shifting toward long-term goals. I'm thinking mostly for the sake of music. (today i thought up a killer idea for a really heavy concept album that involves everything i've been consumed with recently)
I guess now i'm trying to figure out how i can exist without other people to influence me. I've always thought that the more people you interacted with the wiser you would become because your ability to reason would be augmented by an uncountable number of original ideas. But, now i'm looking more for inner development. This may be just an natural progressive thought to ward off a new sense of depression, but if that's what i need to keep going, then so be it.

So i might be learning a bit of the martial arts. Interesting development, and a possibility for a more calm existence. I couldn't have asked for a better opportunity considering my levels of stress and anxiety have been at their peak. The person who offered even showed a willingness to be exposed to the art of metal. It should be interesting to see how a man at peace copes with the brutal cacophony that is the basis of such music.

It was definitely good to see my parents. To keep them entertained i brought them to a couple museums. The first was the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts. I've been before but it was a while ago, so i was still fairly excited about seeing it again, and knowing the museum had a couple picasso's i thought it would be a nice treat for my mom. (My mom has kind of made a hobby of picasso, she collects all sorts of historical books and prints of paintings) When we actually got to them she said to my father, "Now i hope you don't mind terribly, i want to just sit for a while with my picasso's."

My father was bored out of his mind though. My dad is a pretty simple dude to explain. He only appreciates things that make clear sense. He hates the abstract, theoretical and philosophical sides of life. Anything that he can't understand right away isn't of any use to him. You'd probably think, as i have for many years, that this is not such a good view of life, but i'm honestly starting to appreciate it. Since he spends his life in the real tangible world he can remember all sorts of obscure facts, statistics, and stories, and although he is a little too proud of his knowledge at times, it is impressive. There just remains one thing that i will never respect about his personality. He is incredibly racist. It's a product of his need to form a rule out of not so much evidence or experience. If one somewhat unethical Indian crossed his path just one time, he'll make all sorts of blanket statements about their entire culture. So needless to say whenever a topic of that nature came up i challenged him on it, not as aggressively as i used to (because that just ends up in him getting all angry and sometimes even physical) but with a passive sense, an open-ended, open-mined comment that led into another topic of conversation. Ha, if i make it sound like talking to my dad is an art... it really is.

It's so odd how my parents got along over so many years. This is a harsh statement, but i really believe it's only because of traditional family expectations that my mom never left. But, that was realistically only possible a long time ago. Now, there's so much security in growing old with someone, so much fear of the unknown, fear of being a middle-aged single woman, fear of having two entire family trees fall upon her with accusations and negative judgments. She's making the best of it, choosing her battles wisely, getting her feelings out with writing. (She writes short stories, not often, but sometimes; she'll go on benders, usually after stressful events)

Whoa, that was a pretty big tangent, but that is my intention with this thing, to get thoughts out that i have no other way to express, thoughts that would be a loss if they were just forgotten.

But, to continue, the other museum was the Science Museum of Virgina. It sucked. never go there unless you have screaming kids who like to touch things and don't yet understand what germs are. The rest of the weekend was filled with amazing food. They spared no expense in taking me out, so for that and their company i am infinitely grateful.

My mom ended the weekend by saying, "I wish i could just take you home and things would be like they used to..."

So, it seems cute gym girl is taken. This is a fairly logical assumption i made this past Sunday. She was sitting outside with a pretty emo looking dude. If the assumption is correct they make a fitting couple and i'm honestly not as disappointed as i normally would be. It's strange but our mutual greetings and occasional smiles are plenty for me right now. It's nice to know someone recognizes me as a regular in a place that i frequent. This is kind of a continuing thought from my last post, but i've come to be a lot more comfortable single. It's funny to look back at the last year of college. It seemed like all i wanted to do was be in the company of cute girls. I think most of it was from missing the intimacy of a steady relationship, since it was my first and only steady relationship. Now, that i've been without it for some time i've become less wanting of it, less addicted. There are more important things to focus on. And, damnit, i'm really making progress.

My parents are coming down this weekend to see how i'm doing. It's going to be a little stressful simply because my dad is perpetually pessimistic, but it'll be nice to see them. I think they'll be proud of what i've done so far.

World renowned failure at both death and life
Given nothingness, purgatory blight
To run and hide, a cowardly procedure
Options exhausted, except for anesthesia - anesthesia

An 10 ton riff is muted into silence upon the sight of flashing blue lights. An officer had pulled someone over on a crowded stretch of main st. Not seconds after the reflection from the lights fades a few spoken words from Mr. Steele.

I don't feel anything....

It's amazing how sometimes a song will fit what's going on around you so startlingly well that you look for reasons as to why it happened. Pure statistics will explain that given enough music and enough time out on the road coincidences happen. But, i choose to forgo the rules of statistics and say that i heard that song loud and clear for a reason. I am becoming numb, and i'm finally starting to appreciate it. Quiet nights are becoming bearable. Endless hours at the gym are showing. The pain in the fingertips of my left hand from playing a beautiful new acoustic guitar is worth the progress i've been making. I feel little other than a want to be the person i created the framework for in college. I just hope that when i become that person i haven't forgotten how to be human.

Anyway, like i said, i bought a new acoustic. She's seriously beautiful and sounds like a much more expensive guitar than what i bought it for. And i got my first actual job at work. My boss didn't know that i didn't have access to do such a job, but that is being fixed and i shall be well on my way by the end of the week.

Drummer Witold "Vitek" Kieltyka of the Polish extreme metal band DECAPITATED passed away in a Russian hospital from injuries sustained in a recent road collision. He was 23 years old.

Vitek and DECAPITATED singer Covan (real name: Adrian Kowanek) were hurt in an accident earlier in the week involving DECAPITATED's tour bus and a truck carrying wood in Gomel, on the Russia/Belarus border. Both musicians reportedly sustained serious head injuries in the collision, which is believed to have been the fault of the band's driver (although this has not yet been officially confirmed).

According to the Polish Internet portal Onet.pl, Vitek underwent trepanation, a form of surgery in which a hole is drilled or scraped into the skull, and was due to be transported to a hospital in Krakow, Poland for further treatment.

Covan's family released a statement yesterday (Thursday, November 1) that the vocalist's condition had improved. At the time, the vocalist was still said to be at a hospital in Novozybkov, Russia, where he and Vitek were taken following the accident.

I saw this man in person. I was in awe then, and the memory will be with me as one of the finest shows i've ever seen. Just another reminder of how fragile life is, and that death does not stop a hero. Vitek left a mark on this earth and me the likes of which very few are capable of...

I heard a knock on my door around 6 o'clock this afternoon. At the time i was sporting nothing but a pair of boxer briefs and a muscle shirt, so i rushed to throw on a pair of jeans thinking to myself, "No one ever comes to my door, this may be important!" When i opened it there were two young girls maybe 14-16 staring at me blankly. This was a very awkward few seconds because it was as if they were wax figures just staring at me. Then a switch turned on in one of the girls. She holds up a book seemingly with a bunch of numbers on it and begins to rattle off a completely mumbled explanation of whatever they were trying to sell. I couldn't make out a word of it no matter how hard i tried to concentrate. She wasn't even looking at me when she spoke. I made out the last few words though which absolutely floored me. Before she said them she took a deep breath glanced up then away again and in the most monotone unemotional sequence of syllables said "please tell me you're interested." WHAT?! Are you kidding? At least try a little for your cause, youth of America! I'm not asking for fake tears but common decency and just a brief attempt at being polite... When I said "no, i'm sorry" to an offer i didn't even know anything about she responded with a, "Well, why not?" I just said i was busy and she persisted with a really rude tone, "you know, it'll only take a second." I repeated myself and wished her good bye. The other girl even added an extremely put off, "oh." I really wish i could have gotten a recording of these two girls because i probably seem like a dick, but damnit, it was like they were trying to hustle me. They would've been better suited with weapons, maybe a knife would've fit their approach.

Anyway, they came during a movie, Deer Hunter... Holy shit man... another really intense film. I need to stop putting myself through this shit. Maybe i'll start renting romantic comedies for a while to let some emotional tension ease up.

And, i sent an email to my boss today. It more or less asked to get some real work because i'm tired of all the meaningless online classes. This was a bold move because i could've been sitting around with no responsibilities for at least another month. I honestly just can't take the monotony anymore; and doing an honest day of real work may actually be a little more fulfilling. We'll see i guess.

Funeral is a band from Norway. They play doom metal of the most sorrowful morbidly pessimistic sort and it goes very well with the rain. This has been the first day in weeks i haven't been able to have my windows open and feel the cool wind on my face as i drive to work. Instead i watched a stream of water form at the edge of the window, flow down and then as i hit the highway gradually change it's direction to a horizontal path away from the traffic i should've been watching.
It was kind of nice actually, the stereo has a different sound when the windows are closed. The highs come in a little crisper revealing a bit more detail in the guitar tones and percussion. And as i arrived i walked slowly through the rain watching everyone with their umbrellas jog into the building as if the precipitation had been something much more threatening than rain. I like the rain too much to run through it. Had it been colder i may have quickened my step a bit, but it was a refreshing temperature, one that if i did actually get a chill it would be quickly remedied by a cup of coffee. It all seems so surreal though... Which leads into my main topic.

I watched a movie tonight called The Machinist. Christian Bale (my favorite actor) plays the main character. If you've never seen the film and are interested you should probably STOP READING NOW. There's a reoccurring scene in the film where Bale sits at an airport coffee shop and orders the same cup of coffee and piece of pie whenever he goes. While there he talks to the waitress, just chatting really; pleasant polite conversation. There are a lot of similar scenes in the movie. Well, it turns out that he had been silent the entire time. The character of the waitress was a character from his past that he had manifested dialog with. None of it was real and it reminded me too much of myself. All the times i've gone out to places alone and just sat with a beer. Sometimes there would be someone, but no one i could ever remember the name of or prove that they even exist. I pictured myself looking into a half empty bottle and cooking up something entertaining. I really don't have anything to show for the four months that i've been here other than a few personal possessions that i wouldn't terribly miss if they had vanished upon waking tomorrow.

I wouldn't be that startled if i woke up in Poughkeepsie tomorrow. It seems so insane, but this feels too much like a script. There are reoccurring images that send my mind directly to memories as if everything i have been experiencing in this place is a mixed up distorted collage of my life up until four months ago.

But, there are little things. People that i see on a regular basis. Their characters are too complex to have been a product of my imagination. This girl at the gym; she usually seems like she's trying so incredibly hard not to notice anything. Her head is always down on her walk to empty the trash that sits near the free weight area. But, tonight she was at the front desk and we exchanged both a greeting and a goodnight. Her voice is exactly as how i imagined it would be, although she put more charm into it than i was expecting, and she used eye contact in the most dramatic way. You know... with a pause, looking down at a piece of paper while she delivered the first few syllables then looking up slowly with a developing smile all to climax in an unimaginably kind gesture. That was nice and it's little things like that that are going to keep me from going completely insane.

God damn my apartment's lookin good... I'm really proud of it right now. The motif is sort of a gothic styling, reminiscent of the way Poe may have lived had he been limited to a small apt. and had an affinity for shopping at target. After all this is his home turf so it seems appropriate given i may have similar sensibilities.
But, i just have to wonder what a random person would think...

It's raining, finally, after months of drought. It's nice. The windows are open so i can hear the drops hit the cement surrounding my apt.

The thing about stubby cigars is that when you drag them they're considerably hotter and ultimately more damaging to the taste buds in which you are relying so much to enjoy the accompanying drink. Only buy a stubby when you know you don't have time to commit to a full cigar and have another engagement to attend to. If given an option always choose a maduro stubby for it has a undeniable depth of flavor and longing aftertaste even with the short time in which to develop. Of course that applies to all maduro's, long or short. And, from personal experience do not enjoy your cigar with a shitty beer. Go out, spend a couple extra dollars on a Belgian work of art and have a good night.

It's monday, I've had a three philosophers Belgian and a nice but undeniably short-lived stubby and want to do something extraordinary. I'm at a loss though... Because in this mood when i could ask someone to go into the depths of existence, i have nothing, and no one in a place where i don't feel comfortable walking out of my doorway. But, i think i will anyway, because the wind is blowing in such a way that i would feel content.

Fuck driving in Richmond. As if i didn't have a shitty heart to begin with. Coming home from the gym, heart racing, not one but two shitty people drive right into the fucking street before looking anywhere causing me to slam on my breaks and have an anxiety attack. The rest of you are fucking lucky i didn't lose consciousness and kill somebody. I have a suggestion: sell your heap and buy a fucking bike like all those trendy fucks so if i hit you i don't have to die too. Damnit...

I went to a bar (there's one within walking distance of my place that is hardly ever crowded and has a few HD's that i can just stare at with a beer) and i sat down next to a few people. The one i was closest to makes eye contact and i ask her for her name and introduce myself. She's cute, although it's obvious she works very hard for it. (goes tanning, considerable makeup, good shape, and sadly from just overhearing a few conversations, not very bright) She keeps looking over at me attempting to make eye contact and i just give it back. A couple times i strike up a conversation but a minute or two into them she seems to lose complete interest and turns around to her friends. Here's the good part. Just before they're about to leave she leans over and says, "Can i ask you a really personal question?" I say, "shoot" and she asks, "Do you like men or women?" to which i respond, "women." She seems surprised and leaves.

Thank you once again Richmond for welcoming me with open arms and warming comfort...

Holy Shit! New BENIGHTED album is out. For everyone who is unaware, they are a French Brutal Death Metal band. In my top 5 bands of all-time and this is only their 4th release. They are possibly the most brutal band in existence. This is because of a few reasons: Unlike a lot of sloppy down-tuned grind out there they know how to slow it down and put some fucking groove into a riff. Breakdowns fall on you like 50 ton blocks of cement, solos dig from the left side of your face and rip it completely off, percussion (from a new member) that makes your lower intestine dance around inside you, and what's this! i can hear a fucking bass guitar! A very rare occurrence in death metal. Needless to say it's not leaving my car for a while and anyone who happens to sit next to me at a stop light is going to see a somewhat normal looking early 20's bachelor in business casual attire rocking the fuck out growling and screaming my throat into non-existence.

And Derek, if you read this, this is one of the major influences on my playing style, so listen carefully...
http://www.myspace.com/brutalbenighted

Someone told me that i wasn't interesting today. That marked the end of a short friday night story. I had gone to a bar, met a couple girls. They brought me around to a couple places, and one gave me her number seemingly excited that i would call. I'm a bastard though; i had no attraction to this girl other than to have a friend, maybe not even that. So i did call to tell her my intentions, but interrupting my polite delivery, she said, "No, i actually didn't find you very interesting." I think that's the most powerful insult i've ever received. Call me unattractive, call me strange, or even stupid. To be not interesting... i mean, people are so complex. There's so much going on in someone's head. They could be quiet or shy, but once you get inside, everyone is inevitably interesting. There's so much each person has experienced, so many stories to tell. And, i did tell them. I wasn't shy, i was tending to their every question with as much charm and poise as i'm capable of.
So, i just don't get it... It makes me think that all of my daily pleasures, my countless hobbies, unending pursuits are just fluff. I don't really have anything to show for any of it, other than a broad interest in everything. Maybe i spread myself too thin, or i'm too scatterbrained to ever accomplish anything. And this has made me bland, nothing but a gray mixture of off-color paint spattered against a white wall, when white is so much more... interesting.
Or, she could have just been looking for a word so that she would never have to see or speak to me again. Interesting was just the first thing that popped in her head so she let it rip not knowing that it would effect me so deeply.
It doesn't really matter in this cruel world of balance. If she didn't say that i would've had to say something (maybe a little more tactful) similar with the same result. I have no choice but to continue on, interesting or not.

Did you see Jimmy's car?
I sure did, let me tell you, a couple minutes i could hot wire that son o' bitch and be gone
You know how to hot wire?
Nah, not me, but my brother can. Ha, I can't hotwire no car, but my brother does it all the time.
Sure is a nice car.

I stopped listening and imagined sticking a gun in my mouth and saying good bye to this awful awful place. Wow, i mean, i'm not that big of a snobby asshole, but damnit. This was at the mall. I was walking behind them, struggling having just bought a 5' by 8' rug to put in my living room. It was an impulse buy so i didn't think ahead in parking anywhere near the store i bought it in. This leaves me walking through a terribly crowded mall, bag in one hand, balancing a fairly large rug with the other arm. It was dangerous. I even got a "Hey! that's a nice rug you got there!" It is nice, like really perfect. I was holding off on getting one for a while because i'm so incredibly picky with everything, but this one just popped right out and it fits so well. Anyway, that was an odd experience, i felt kind of like a lumber jack carrying a big log through... well... a shopping mall. I even think i got some good looks from girls who couldn't get over how big and strong i was... maybe... ok, not really.
And, i finally signed up for a blockbuster account. Feeling adventurous for my first pick i went with a foreign film and it bit me in the ass. It's this Czech film about some random people, and usually i love movies that just follow a few characters without much of a plot, but this was truly awful. None of the characters had any substance; it was like after watching them for 2 hours i didn't know anything more about them (except for a couple over-emphasized quirks) than if i had just seen their faces for the first time. The dialog was for the most part emotionless. I don't know, i might be being to harsh. Maybe i just don't understand the culture there... But, anyway, it's called Up and Down, and i suggest you avoid it.

"Hey, what size shoes do you wear?!" A question asked at the supermarket, while in line, from a guy... His response to my answer: "Wow, you know that's really rare to see!" To which i responded, "Yeah..." How do you respond to something like that? I mean, in grade school when someone would notice, the usual comment was, "You know what they say about guys with big feet?" to which you stand silent and wait for the "Big socks!" response, a fairly colorless and anti-climactic punch line. Had it been a cute girl there would have been a definite opportunity to flirt, but it was not. It was just a little awkward. And, right after that i get another kick to the testes. The cashier saw the 20 case of Michelob's i was buying and asked, "you going to a party?" I should have lied and said, "Yes, of course, i never drink alone" but i'm an honest person so the response was, "nope, those are all for me." You can probably imagine the way her face contorted from slight excitement to pity.
Eh, before that i had a terribly productive day. Right after work i went straight to Ashley furniture and bought a coffee table and a couple end tables, which will be arriving next saturday. And, i dropped over at target to pick up a water purifier and floor lamp. And, last night instead of spending time on this silly thing i went on a cleaning binge trying to make this place respectable and damnit, it almost looks good. When i'm done my apartment is going to be a sexy bachelor pad. I think i'm only a couple more months of paychecks away. The biggest obstacle will be making this place look artful. I want it to be dark and mysterious, but not creepy which represents two sides of a very thin line. In any event, tonight i'm feeling just a bit more comfortable here, which doesn't really effect my goings on outdoors, but it could have a passive influence on my overall well-being.

I should have written an entry last night to recap the weekend, but i was much too tired so i'm going to try to piece some of it together now. I don't want to get that detailed only because it would take too much typing and it's something i'd much rather talk about, so i'll just list a couple things. It seems fitting that i should make notes for myself to prepare for similar situations:
1) When going on a business trip you can never ask too many questions about your specific role and responsibilities. Large companies although very efficient in making money seldom care about the individual and, learning from this experience, will thrust them into a complicated situation with little instruction. I for the most part took matters into my own hands and did what i thought was appropriate, but the improvisation was a stress i could have done without.
2) When faced with a very short amount of time to be with friends never, never, dwell on the length of time. Worrying about messing something up or leaving without proper goodbye's or what conversation is more important to have, given the brevity of a situation, is all a waste of precious time. You just have to enjoy it. The time i valued most during this trip were times when it seemed like i was at home simply enjoying my friends. During those times i wasn't productive, wasn't worried about whether i was talking about something important, or trying to make an individual happy, i was just content with the interaction and company of others. This is a special thanks to derek james and chad. The day in new paltz was perfect and it assured me that although distance fucking blows, i'm not completely alone in the world.
3) When someone who has jerked you around before starts jerking you around again, fucking leave and don't feel guilty about it. I wasted a night on someone who is for the most part lost, and it was nothing but a frustrating experience. She may be a good person, but damnit she needs to figure out what she wants in life, only then will she stop wasting other people's time. I should've spent that night with a couple girls that i neglected because of my own insecurities. When someone tells me i'm cute, even though it's happened a couple times it's always like the first time and i am paralyzed by such a compliment simply because i'd accepted it wasn't true a long time ago. And this leads into the next.
4) Only spend time with people that make you happy. Everyone else isn't worth a second. I maybe a dick for saying this, but right now i'm really picky with good friends. I was a person that would do anything for anyone without question, but i'm slowly realizing that this mentallity only causes stress for myself and life is just too short to be around people you don't enjoy.

That's about it... It was overall a really good weekend and although i didn't see everyone i would've liked to (past residents of v4) my resnet buddies made me feel like i had never even left. You guys, seriously, priceless. This is a personal plead for you all to move down to richmond so we can fucking rule the bar scene.

On a side night i went to a little coffee shop tonight in hopes of finding a place to just sit and read with a cup of coffee. As soon as i entered people responded like i was from fucking mars. I asked for a coffee and got a response like nobody ever asks for a black cup of coffee. And, upon finding a quiet corner where the light was in the right position to read the bartender put on a song which had a chorus of "go home you damn yankee." What the fuck... I don't even know what happened but god damnit does this place fucking suck for people from the north east. But, the book, "the age of reasoning," what i mind trip. James gave it to me and it's seriously the best thing i've read ever. So James, thank you.

I went to the mall today. I wanted to buy a new white shirt to wear to poughkeepsie. I wonder how many people there will recognize me. I mean at the job fair, the underclassmen, walking by, just a familiar glance. I'm thinking there will be a few, looking at me in my white shirt and tie. I can only imagine what they'll think; maybe that i'm doing well for myself, maybe that i'm luckier than the average college grad to have a job. There might be a couple who automatically think that i am part of the machine now. I mean i work for the second largest bank in the world... That amount of money took a lot of evil, it took a lot pain to gather. I don't know how i'd respond to such an accusation. I might agree with them. But, overall i'm excited to see the reactions. Going from a place where no one knows you to somewhere everyone at least recognizes your familiar face is a welcoming notion.

While i was at the mall something strange happened. I had just bought the shirt and a few more pairs of my favorite boxer briefs and felt the need to wander around a bit. Walking out of the store i pass one of those kiosks, i didn't realize what the girl was trying to sell until she approached me. She said simply, "Sir, would you like to by a necklace, bracelet or anklet?" The words were simple, although a little strange for her to approach a male with such an offer. Her delivery, however, was staggering; full eye contact, forward body language, she even elongated the last syllable in anklet. I stopped for a second just to process the gesture and as soon as i regained some motor control responded, "No... thank you though." And as if i had just purchased the entire kiosk for more than it was worth she said in the same emphasized manner, "Well, you have a nice evening sir." I had no other choice but to wish her the same. It was a powerful few seconds of my life.

I continued on through the mall and into FYE. I hadn't intended on buying anything, just wanted to look around and see what metal had, against all odds, made it into such a store. Scanning the racks a cd popped right out at me. It was Crimson by the Alkaline Trio; a cd that i had been listening to, admittedly in mp3 form, for the past few weeks almost non-stop. It turned out to be a used copy selling for $8. With a smile on my face, i picked it up and started to walk toward the register when i thought, "Hey, i just bought a huge tv and a nice dvd player, not checking out the dvd's would be silly." So walking back to the dvd section the same thing happened. A movie, one that i had wanted to see for some time just because of hype and good reviews was right there, used. It was a copy of Natural Born Killers. I decided any further looking might end up in an empty bank account so i went up to pay. And again, female cashier, most delightful interaction. I don't know what it was. Possibly because she was well versed in punk (died hair, alternatively dressed) and agreed with my taste for the Trio, or maybe that she was just a genuinely, honestly, nice person. It's funny to encounter that. I mean i see people every day, i study them. If they show up more than once they've got a spot in my head all to their own where i think and speculate. Keeping such good track of people, you learn very well that there is more to words than just the definitions, but you have to feel them. You have to see how they're delivered. At that point you know when someone is being kind, or if they just think they're being kind. Those two girls were perfect examples of honesty in emotion. I've speculated about the seconds' motives (the first just left me dumbstruck) but that's really not important. They made me feel welcome, when not many things here have. Two simple interactions seemed to breathe new life into my feeble attempt at accepting Richmond as a home. I'm still alone here, and i'm still unhappy that my friends are so far off, but that helped.

Anyway, Natural Born Killers is a brutal, violent, disjointed and emotionally jarring film. I loved every second of it. Well done Oliver Stone.

And another Sunday has passed, and... damn! i just remembered i still have to do laundry... But, i'll be doing it with a full stomach. Tonight i made kind of an awesome dinner. I wanted to improvise something from the random stuff i had in my apt. so a salad seemed like a logical choice. This is what it was made up of: one can salmon flaked with mayo, a nature's valley oat and honey granola bar crushed and mixed into the salmon, that spread over lettuce with a ripe tomato sliced up, and lastly little clementine wedges on top; all that with walnut vinaigrette dressing drizzled over the top. Sounds kind of odd i know, but the flavors complemented each other better than i had expected; it was delicious, and pretty healthy.
On a side note, i tuned my guitar all the way down to c standard tonight. I didn't think the strings could handle being that low, but they're managing and it sounds thunderous. Even though i'm sticking around the first few frets just making terribly evil sounding riffs, it feels good after kind of a crappy weekend.

Tonight fucking sucked. I went for a run before and i don't know what the hell happened but my nose has been running ever since. I had big plans of just walking aimlessly to a couple bars and showing my alternative self in full form (that sounds fucking pretentious, but anyone who knows me understands) I just wanted to do something crazy and destructive tonight, but damnit my nose won't give up and my left eye is watering non-stop. Could be a sign that i was going to do something stupid, but fuck it's frustrating when all you want is release and something as trivial as a runny nose ruins the whole thing. Shit... didn't stop me from getting hammered though. Beer after beer in my apartment, yeah, it makes me seem like a fucking alchy but i needed it. Richmond has been giving me nothing but grief and i need to let go. Let go of everything, i want out of this place so bad...

I just hit 666 pageviews on my deviantart account. Have to celebrate this by doing something... probably just going to get trashed. That's all.

Damn, just came back from the gym. You'd think at this hour there would be so few people that you would never have to wait for anything, but alas, everyone there was doing free-weights and as soon as you left your bench to get a splash of water some dude would swoop in and destroy your whole flow. But, no matter, i wasn't really feeling too hot tonight anyway. My heart was a little iffy, fluttering once in a while, means i'm too stressed over something and i should take it easy. I'm stressed for the same reason as usual though, just too much on my mind and no one to talk it out with. And, right before the gym i watched the movie Seven. If you're not aware of it the plot is simply about a psycho who recreates the seven deadly sins to prove a point to humanity; pretty brutal film. There were a couple parts that caught me a little off-guard. Of course that's what makes a good movie, sequences that have relevance to you, some real enough to make you reevaluate your own situation. Well, i'm reevaluating and coming up empty, but i have some good news to balance it! I just ordered a 50" HDTV with a DVD player, a movie-watching dream come true. (a whole lot better than watching low resolution movies on my computer) That and a Blockbuster membership will help a lot in putting my head somewhere else until i start to feel comfortable with this place.

I'm in a weird state right now. Like consciousness is fuzzy, perception is just a little off. Dreams begin to mix with reality. I feel like what i used to clean my floor last night wasn't Lysol, it was in fact bug spray and the cockroaches are presently forming brigades in a strike against me and my bad intentions. I feel like the girl that i came so close to embracing in a dream the other night might actually exist. The silence here is thick, impenetrable, i could shout obscenities to no one and it would do nothing but make my own head spin. I don't feel tired, i haven't felt tired for a while. Sleep is dreaded and haunting. It reminds me of my death and what dreams may come taunt my imagination to an extent of hoping for things that will never exist. In the waking hours, the lights, all terribly unnatural, are like x-rays peering into my head. Someone might be reading them, might be watching, might be waiting for the moment i slip. The second when the wavelengths shift into somewhere they've never been before, where decisions make no sense to anyone but myself. I can break the rules and cry havoc, but only at that moment in time and i'll be waiting as well, for the release, for the shit storm to whirl around my shriveled brain. Silence in insanity, insanity in silence. That's when the people, the green, the dirt will melt leaving me to my abyss. And a peaceful solitude it will be, away from the snarling breath, the filthy glances of shifty eyes, away from everything unkind.

She may exist, the girl, with long brown hair, with deep green eyes, but only in the interchangeable reality of the subconscious. Who's to say a world without rules, without perception of time or space or control can't be the real one. It's easy to give logic precedence but it is logic that says dreams are not real, and it is a dream that clearly states logic is rubbish. How are we to pick sides when there is no reason to exist in either. There may not be a beginning or an end to a dream, but as the universe is infinite there are no beginnings or endings here either, just a constant cycle of experiences, of events that have no real bearing on anything. So, she does exist, and for the moment the only reason i'm still here is because of the curiosity of it all. Nothing really matters, so experience is the key. The only thing left to do is to keep going in the same eventual direction, but take as many paths as humanly possible.

It's so easy to give up and fall captive to your own loneliness spitting a flurry of words that don't make any sense, but it's the fight we undertake. I'm going to get out of this place, go to the gym, maybe to the supermarket, hopefully replacing the brown haired girl with something more real. An image seen is better than an image created. (Maybe the reason i like photography so much...)

Tonight was a good night. A few beers and a good conversation with a friend followed by some pool. It would have been a little nicer with more opportunities to meet some new people, but for a saturday night i really shouldn't complain. And tomorrow... the museum of fine arts. I plan on bringing a pen and something to write on so i can give a decent recap of my visit. So until then...

I had the biggest urge to play beruit tonight. I just pictured myself and James (my usual teammate) standing on the end of a table sinking cups one after the other for hours on end. God i miss that. It would be so nice to find that somewhere here. I wouldn't need it every weekend like we did at school; just once a month or so. There was something so perfect about it's simplicity. Nothing was expected of you except hitting cups, and that was easy after a while. The music was always perfect, just something to keep a beat. And you stood there with a brother, with someone who would say "dude, we'll just beat 'em next time" if we lost, and "just focus man, you can do it" if it's close. Sometimes it got intense; when you're at the table for so many games, the pressure builds, but it's a good pressure, it's excitement and if you eventually lose, you just think "damn, that was a good run."
Thinking about it now, i don't think there is anything else in life that's like it. I mean, other sports build brotherhood and teamwork and confidence and skill, but this is different. Maybe some of the difference comes into play with the amount of alcohol being consumed. Emotions seem to go so much deeper when you've had a few beers; especially for a guy like me, spending most of my time simply trying to hide emotion from other people.
One more thing to mention would be the ease of making a reputation for yourself. I was good some nights, and people understood that. Some would say, "oh shit, j&j's (jim and james) on the table," and i would respond with a silent but confident smile. And James, jesus, he was known all over campus; his technique although unusual (throwing underhand) won so many games. It was amazing.
Damnit, good times. I should start up a league or something, post flyers and get a bunch of VCU kids into it. If people caught on, we could designate houses to be pong houses and there would be an online forum signup preventing fights at the venue. I wouldn't even need to play, just stand in awe and maybe shamelessly flirt with a few girls who had proven themselves on the table. That would be amazing.

This weekend was not so good. I don't feel like going into much detail, but my car's battery died, my own fault, but it was beyond the condition of keeping a charge. I had to get it towed the tow truck was 2 hours late. I had to get a taxi back, no taxi's showed up, of the 8 that i called all saying something like "well, we don't have any cars over there" or "we're swamped tonight." So after two hours of waiting, while i witnessed a shooting and a car turnover (no, i'm not kidding) i managed to bum a ride from another local tow truck who was nice enough to use me as an excuse not to go on his next call. I wait the next morning for the mechanic to call me; no call. I called him; he says "umm, yeah, we recommend you get a new timing belt and water pump," I ask how much would that cost, and he replied $1090.80. Considering i got this done in NJ for $300 I wanted to say "you've got to be fucking kidding," but i say "no, just the battery thank you." Mind you it still cost $180 just to get a new battery, something i could have gotten at sears for $60 if i had some alternative means of transportation.
The worst part was just sitting hopelessly in front of a pep boys in the south side of richmond witnessing a crime scene and not having any way to get home. FUCK RICHMOND CABS. I am so fucking sick of these people. They are understaffed and don't have a fucking clue where anything is. So they screw around running up a fucking meter leaving you helpless and broke. And i'm pissed at mechanics. Sure, they might have a reputation for being ass clowns but fucking christ i am one of the most honest polite fucking people you will ever deal with. Show some god damn respect! While i'm on this little tirade i might as well mention that i haven't run into a good fucking driver yet. The thing that probably pisses me off the most is the inability for these people to check their blind spot. Yes, i know you have a little car and your mirror should suffice, but it doesn't! There's still a car-length of space that you can't see unless you turn your head and fucking look. No one, i mean no one knows how to merge. Nobody. It's like they freak out, slam on the gas or break and hope for the best when all they have to do is match the speed of the traffic your merging with! Oh, and the bikes. Everyone here has a bike and thinks they are indestructible. Given, if i hit one of them, i'm the one that's going to be blamed. But that also means they're going to be fucking DEAD! Yes, i can see your little flashing light. That does not give you the right to dart out in front of me from a side street! And since when did everyone get so judgmental about the music people listen to. Here, it's divided pretty much in half. If you listen to country you hate everyone that listens to punk, and if you listen to punk then you automatically hate all things country. Everyone else is fucked. Seriously. If you don't fit into one of those groups there's little to no place for you here. I've been to metal shows, the only people there are shithead scene trash who just want to show off in front of their insecure girlfriend and people that travel with the band. Luckily i know enough about punk to carry on a conversation, but as soon as i mention i'm a metalhead it's like i just kicked a baby. And STOP GETTING TATTOOS BECAUSE OF THE TREND. Yes, it's a creative way to express yourself, but if it doesn't mean anything then it doesn't count. If the only thing that you can say about your tattoo is "it looked cool" then fuck off, you're going to wind up hating it later on. It's so god damn trendy here... And this one doesn't so much make me angry, just frustrated. STOP GETTING MARRIED WHEN YOU'RE 20 YEARS OLD. It's cute that you think you love each other, but it's fucking stupid. You're too young, you haven't dated enough, and spending some time single is healthy because it shows you don't need to be dependent on someone to be happy. (i'm hoping anyway) It's so insane when i see people my age walking around strollers. (they flood the sidewalks) And if you are taken, don't flurt with other people at the bar! It's disappointing and sad and it's another thing that i witness every time i go out.

OK, that's it for now, needless to say i'm a little bent out of shape and if i've offended or misrepresented anyone i'm sorry. This whole experience has been making me nothing but bitter. I'm counting the seconds before Oct 4th when i can go back to my home and have some fun with good friends.

Well, it seems the universe can not exist without balance. Today was indeed painful, but it went fairly quickly and i am thankful for that.

Ok, today was a legitimately good day. It rained all day yesterday. And so today it was as if all the tensions of the heat and the humidity had been relieved creating some sort of balance. I could feel it as i walked out of the door, my first breath was refreshing, awakening, like the weather was giving me motivation to succeed in whatever menial battles i would attempt to take on in my cubicle. It never got too hot so i could even walk around outside for a break and not get all gross. Lunch was good; i made a brown sugar roasted ham and provolone sandwich so i didn't have to bother the nice hispanic woman in the cafeteria. (whenever i go down there i feel like i have to take a pre-made sandwich because no one takes them and i hate the concept of wasting food, and i'm not even the least bit picky when it comes to eating a soggy sandwich. But, they're in a spot where i can't reach them behind the counter so i have to ask the woman behind the counter to get it, but she can hardly reach them, so we wind up always doing a collaborative thing where i reach one hand and old the sandwich while she positions a Styrofoam container beneath it and once i drop it in, she hands it to me and says in the nicest way she could possibly deliver "Have a nice day!" and i respond with a hopefully equal amount of kindness "You too!")
The drive home was good; you know when you make a cd, and sometimes the songs are off-queue, meaning you think to yourself "why did i even make the piece of garbage" but only because the songs don't play in accordance to the right events. Well, when stranglehold by ted nugent came on while i was making a daring pass in somewhat tight traffic, it was perfect. For a taste i'll give an excerpt from the song:

Here i come again now baby
like a dog in heat
tell it's me by the clamor now baby
i like to tear up the street,
and i been smokin for so long,
ya know im here to stay
got you in a stranglehold baby
you best get outta the way

How perfect is that when you're weaving in and out of traffic? Brilliant.
Anyway, the gym was good. Of course i'm a sad lonely man and therefore am slowly developing a crush on the girl that is always at the front desk when i come in. She's cute and she has the nicest tone in her voice when she says "how you doin?" I'm mildly crushed every time searching for a clever response but usually the colorless "good, how are you?" is delivered and i am on my way to the free weight area. No matter, a crush it will remain because as i said in one of my previous posts, i'm not looking, i'm waiting to get some money to make my apartment comfortable and am focusing on my guitar, which is going well. (today i improvised my first solo on the E minor pentatonic scale, woot)
I'll be hoping the cosmic energies don't decide to balance today with a painful day tomorrow, but we'll see. I will surely document it for the sake of writing.

Another day gone... Today was interesting at least, somewhat... Prepare yourself for i am about to go through a detailed explanation of a normal workday. Upon waking in a daze because i set my alarm clock 30 minutes before i usually do, i stumbled to the shower to assess my existence. I asked myself a question into the mirror, "Who would care if you didn't show up today?" And the answer is always the same, but the answer has little to do with anything. I always go. So, into the shower. I spend a little longer than usual knowing i woke a bit earlier. I'm not sure if i'm the only one who does this: turn the temperature of the water up just a little and stand under the shower head letting the water fall to my neck and over both shoulders feeling the warmth consume me like being wrapped in a blanket. It's calming, sort of takes you away for a minute or two. Skipping forward a little i sit down at my computer and hopelessly check who recently stalked me on a free online dating service. Pitiful, but mildly entertaining for a couple seconds every morning even though everyone on there is just as fucked as i am, making it impossible to meet someone.
And really, who would want to meet an online friend anyway? Takes all of the charm out of a first encounter. The nervousness, the boldness, the adrenaline pushing you to do and say things you normally wouldn't merely to show that you're better than any other guy in the immediate vicinity. That sounds primal because i think it is. I love the hunt, but it's much more enjoyable to be hunted, and i'll be waiting for that girl for quite some time.
Tangents aside i hop into my sweet ride, turn the volume up on my sweet system, which is currently playing Dig Up Her Bones by The Misfits. (amazing song to get your day started) and off i go. Now as i woke up a half hour early i am faced with a different sort of traffic than usual. I've decided that there are types of people the go to work at certain times: 1) The early type: those who are awake hours before their scheduled work time either to miss traffic or look like a kiss ass. These people are good drivers for the most part because they've had their coffee and are ready to do something important with their day, very driven, focused people. By definition they make me sick, but that's just because it differs from my own perpective. 2) The just on time type: These people show up right when they're supposed to within a minute. These are the people who hit snooze on the alarm clock twice or more before waking and leave little time for a healthy breakfast. (maybe a cup of coffee, but these people need more than a cup to get their ass is gear) These people are the worst drivers. It could be because there's just more of them, and we all know a crowd of people is only as efficient as the least efficient person in the crowd, so statistically, the driving sucks. People merge into your lane when you're right there, people forget how to use on-ramps and off-ramps, people drive slow as hell in the fast lane. (this one i just don't understand) 3) The show up when we god damn please group: This is the group where i currently reside, not because i'm irresponsible, but because i have flex time so i can literally show up when i god damn please. But for the people that aren't so lucky, this group comprises of the most honest people i think. They make they're own rules and i think for the most part they are the most skilled. They drive fast, not because they want to get anywhere, but because they are in a constant state of rebellion against the man and the local highway police is just as much an embodiment of the man as any. I have a very compatible driving style with these people, watching us move would be like watching salmon in a fast moving river. Graceful, yet determined, and aware that we're all in this shit show together.
Needless to say this is the time i usually go, later than the "mass commute." But, this morning i was early and fell into the second type. Needless to say, it was more stressful than what i'm used to and taught me that my normal departure time is quite good the way it is.
Now, when i get to the office i'm faced with people like me, people who come in every day, so naturally we should have something in common, grounds to even speak to each other when in close proximity. This is apparently not the case. I am apparently hated in my office by everyone but three people. The first Ruth, is in the neighboring cube to mine. She greets me every morning with "Hey Jim! How's it goin?" to which i reply, "not bad Ruth, how bout yourself?" and then she says in a sarcastic but playful tone "really for another exciting day!" and i respond with a "yeah..." This happens every morning with those exact exchanges. It's kind of odd, but she is a nice woman and i should really spice it up sometime. The second, Daryl, who sits another cube over, is the "man in charge." At least that's what he likes to give as a first impression. During one of our first conversations he said to me "You know i'm going to have to retire at some point and when i do, all of this could be yours." I can't remember what i replied with but i don't think it was the excited response he may have been looking for. He is also a really nice dude, and i can tell that if i ran into problems he would readily be there to assist. The third, my sort of manager, Mike, who is not my manager anymore after a re-org, but he still plays the role in getting me up to speed during my training period which should last a couple more months at least. Mike is a great guy; he's the type that would literally stand in front of a bullet for you, and i appreciate his guidance every moment he gives it to me.
So following the polite exchange with Ruth, i set up my laptop and check my email. After i feel like i've addressed all urgent messages, i get up and and hit the cafeteria for some breakfast. They always have this sausage egg and cheese on a muffin, which is the most delicious thing i've had in years. My mouth waters just thinking about it and i usually have one every morning. Probably not the healthiest thing but damn are they good. Any time i venture in and out of my cube it's the same though. People dread seeing me, of course i don't know if it's just me or anyone, but they will do anything in they're power not to say high in most cases. So by the time i get back i'm usually shrouded in a thick sense of awkwardness from the eye-averts and attempted smiles.
For the next 7-8 hours i sit in my cube taking small breaks just to walk around and to grab lunch when i feel hungry enough. The cube life is a dull life. I usually start off strong knocking a couple of online classes out of the way, but there's a certain point where you take so many notes that you're hand just can't take it anymore. At these times i take breaks just to read the news, listen to some music on pandora.com, or shop around for things i should buy for my apartment. I do about 4 hours of solid work a day.
Coming home i am not thinking about groups of traffic, trying to analyze what they're motivations are or thinking about what they might do. I do not give a shit about anything except walking into my apartment, so i make haste in getting home. And here it's the same routine as well. Sometimes i'll watch a movie, sometimes read a book, sometimes spend hours surfing the web wasting terrible amounts of time out of mere boredom. But always i will either go for a run or go to the gym. Today was a wonderful day for a run too. It was raining so it was cooling and i had taken a couple days rest so i was able to keep a very good pace. After a shower though it's still the same old filling the hours routine. I'm planning on buying some things to help, like a tv for some movies although i refuse to get cable and a new amp for the guitar so i can piss my neighbor off even more than i already do... and because i'm a junky for making new sounds come out of the instrument.
But, right now all i care about is making some money so i can turn this place into home, and looking damn sexy, which is another thing i'd like to explain but for another night.
After all that i actually started the post saying it was interesting and then continued with a more general description of a normal day. It was interesting simply because i got to run in the rain. It hasn't rained here for quite some time, and it was nice, cool, and calming. Something that small can really turn my day around sometimes.

I went to the gym tonight like i usually do, and went really hard. Although, some jerk was hoggin the entire ab area which was disappointing. No matter, i'm going to be in pain tomorrow and it is going to be good. I think i've come up with a pretty decent weekly routine, so i should be gaining a lot of the weight back that i lost while stressing the move down here.
I was thinking to myself today in the cube about maybe seeing a therapist again. I mean just as a long term goal. I went a couple times in college because it was free and both visits followed pretty bad anxiety attacks. I saw two different people and both told me they couldn't really tell why i was losing it because they said i seemed like i had most things in order. Of course i told them exactly what they wanted to hear, which is something i try to do in more aspects of life than i'd like to admit. This is another tactic of making everyone around me as content as possible. And today i was thinking about why, like why i was even thinking about seeing another therapist. I think i figured it out for the most part. There have been very few people in my life that have been legitimately interested in how i was feeling, so i never really told anyone. I think i got pretty used to this. There were a couple people in college that wanted to listen, but i was always more interested in what they were feeling than wanting them to worry or care about me because they were so important to me. I don't regret this, meaning i don't wish that i had told them more because our friendships were perfect the way they were. But maybe that's what i'm looking for now; someone to talk to that actually would like to just listen for a while. Of course my first reaction was to think of seeing a therapist because that's what they do, but it's different, it's cold, it's uncaring, it's driving toward a solution that may not exist. I'd like someone who actually gives a damn i guess. So in response to that feeling, that want, i think i'm going to go a little heavier on this blog; get a few things out that have been bottled up. I think it might help a little, until i can find some other way to vent. Ha, it seems like i've got a lot of vents. The gym is probably the biggest one. Coming back from that place feeling hurt is one of the best feelings. Like getting the shit beat out of you; it really makes life more real, it makes you feel vulnerable but strong at the same time. And you accomplished something that not many people do, something i'm going to keep up because i'm perpetually surrounded by middle aged men who let themselves go a long time ago. Turning into that is not an attractive concept. I can't even fathom it really. Once i actually find someone to settle down with i never want them to lose their attraction toward me. And i would appreciate a girl who felt the same way endlessly... that is of course if she were emotionally perfect for me as well. No... i'm not picky at all... :/

Today i had nothing planned so upon waking i decided to do something ambitious. I still need a lot of furniture and i was thinking about blowing some money on a tv, so naturally i needed a tv stand. Off to target i went, with the best intentions. After deciding on an espresso color? (no idea why they didn't call it dark brown) i attempted to lift it into my cart. I underestimated this piece of furniture. It turned out to be more than a hundred pounds (i weighed it personally) and in a very awkwardly shaped box. I wish my journey from the furniture isle to my apartment had been videotaped because i'm sure it would've made quite the situational comedy skit. I could have asked for help, but i just kept telling myself, be a man! you go the gym, don't you? you lift heavier things over your head. I should have asked for help. After straining my back, apologizing to several people of whom i was in the way of, breaking the molding clean off the back of the inside of my car's trunk, somehow managing to carry it up 3 flights of stairs, it was in my apartment. And just as a little added laugh, as soon as i opened the box, apparently the wrong way, the second heaviest piece fell out right onto my left foot. Assembly wasn't so bad though and now i can gaze to my right and see the new home to a tv i have yet to purchase and quite honestly have no money for, so...
I'm finding that my days, weekends included are turning into small ventures into things that merely keep me busy. This particular one included. I'm not finding much enjoyment in anything lately.

OK, so i think i'm giving up on this "i'll go out alone and meet people at bars" thing. It's gotten me into too many awkward situations already, and i just wind up spending a ton of money with little to no reward and no new friends, so screw it. If people want to meet me it's up to them and until then i'm going to just be alone for a while. I'm sort of getting used to it, which is awful because i always believed that the more people you surrounded yourself with the more you'd learn and the more you could try and better yourself, but there's a lot of things i can work on that i can do perfectly fine on my own. This is actually a good opportunity because i can focus on guitar a lot more than i could while i was at school. And i can hit the gym really hard and tone up a bit while i have the free time. It's going to be different, but i'll be fine. I'm sure as hell not going to be happy, but that's something i'm going to have to work pretty hard to get to, so i'm going to give it time. People always say friends or love interests always show up when you're not looking for them, so from now on i'm just going to stop looking.

I saw an angel at the supermarket today.

Something i'm still doing that i told myself i wouldn't do anymore: do things that seem attractive in my mind. I can't help it really... I feel like meeting people is easier that way even though it isn't fucking working. And i found a song that i can play really obnoxiously loud in my car while driving gangsta with the windows down: Jimmy Eat World - Cautioners. It's one of my favorites and really shows some sensitivity. I'm a fucking loser.

Oh yesterday, today has come and erased you and it was a good thing indeed because you were awful. Yesterday was a moment of realization. The realization of futility the likes i've never been witness to before. A futility that didn't seem like it was going to ever be resolved. I am a weakling, i am a sham, and i don't think i can ever deal with a plan that's longer than five days. When i can see years into my future it is a dark thought, a thought that invites other equally unattractive thoughts with it all at once without warning or even good manners. I saw at least a decade yesterday and it made me white, it made me cold, it made me drink the rest of my beer supply in a show of adolescent rebellion. But it was ok, because i had a friend, and a British comedy. I am still feeling rather weak though. I'm so incredibly impatient, and greedy and selfish; i want happiness, right now without all the dull work and repetition of a normal productive life.
Today was different for some reason though, possibly because i had no more beer to drown my sorrows, but it was different. It was cool and damp and uncommonly peaceful. I felt a little more motivated, a little more complacent even. I don't know... this is all so... strange. I'm still trying to figure out if i like being here, if i like going to work, whether it's even worth it to find people with something in common with me. But, the futility again, i have no choice in the matter. I mean, i do, but i wouldn't do anything extreme at this point because too many people would be disappointed and because i'm a big pussy. Alas, i need to calm down and focus on a few things before i go nuts. Worrying about all this mess about where i'm going to be in 10 years is too much to handle right now.

Tonight i'm drinking smithwick's a few thoughts droning in my head. First it's been a month since i moved down here. It seems like no time has passed at all, but i've gotten a lot done, still have little to no furniture, but things like that take a lot of time. Another thing that takes a hell of a lot of time is meeting people, friends, cute girls, whatever. So far i've met a 50+ year old hippie/deadhead, a 30+ cook for a local restaurant, a somewhat unfavorable 30+ coworker, and to end the list on a high note, a cute junior in college. That is good, she's an awesome chick, but she doesn't have any friends here and she's moving away within weeks. So after that... i'll be back to not knowing any people like me. I say like me with a loose definition, more along the lines of age and recklessness than interests. I sort of met one other person, which seemed really hopeful. It was a strange scenario. I was wasted having gone to a bar alone and stayed there until nearly close just drinking at the bar developing a massive crush on a bartender covered in tattoos, only to have my hopes destroyed hearing that she was married to a member of the band avail, a very well known punk outfit. So i left and took an odd form of transportation back to my apt. a dude, on a bike, with a carriage attached to it. So i'm drunk and fairly talkative and bring up the local music scene, and he starts naming bands while i mention bands and we wind up having a decent conversation, which ended with a phone number and an invitation to get wasted the next night. This is all great so far, but i called, and to keep things delicate, he had some major family issues and couldn't do anything. And, i should remain somewhat hopeful for that connection, but i know that i was just some random drunk dude, probably not worth contacting again. So it goes. We'll see; i'll keep going out to bars, and shows, and whatever else comes up, but i'm impatient. I'm so used to seeing friendly faces at every turn, now i just don't have that and i want it back.

This one is of Ali, someone I left in poughkeepsie, someone i miss a whole lot already, hopefully she'll come visit sometime, but until then, random AIM messages are going to have to do.

Alright, so i'm in here in Richmond. Moving in was a nightmare. As soon as i walked into my my apartment I was faced with a pile of rubble and a large hole in the ceiling. How disconcerting... but that was cleaned up and hopefully the whole will be fixed soon enough. I have a very limited amount of furniture, although the essentials are all here. Places to sit, sleep, read, that's all i really need for now. I figured out most of the essential store locations without getting too lost. I even managed to get my car inspected and registered which was something i thought would take time and endless pain. Things really are working out for the best, even though i'm in low spirits right now. It's only because i don't know anyone. That's the hardest part after getting so used to a college environment always surrounded by friends. When that's suddenly gone and you're forced to live alone for a little while it's a little depressing. But i'm trying to make the best of it and figure out a game plan to meet some people. Of course i can't really think of anything except going out to a bar and chatting up an attractive girl, which i would love to do, but i think i'm going to just hang out until i have to start work. I want that to be my main focus right now so things go smoothly. I really have high hopes for this job and so far things are looking good. It's just that first stressful day filled with first impressions and worries and judgments, it's going to be harsh. I can only imagine what is in store for monday. All i can do is make sure i look good and show up with some imaginary confidence.
Being in Virginia is such an odd experience. People act so differently here as opposed to the new jersey new york area. People seem nicer at first, but i'm not quite sure if it's actual kindness or just habitual reactions. For example, it's common in new jersey to ask a passer-by "how's it goin?" but you rarely expect a response other than the exact question back. Here when you say it every responds "good, and how are you?" actually provoking a conversation. It's startling, and hopefully i don't come off as incredibly rude when i expose my northern curtness. Another thing i've noticed is the common reference to God, like "God bless you son" or "have a blessed day." Not being very religious i would feel wrong saying something like that in return which provides another culture gap that people might misinterpret.
The racial divide here is something else worth noting. Even though there is a much higher population of black people there is just as much social segregation between blacks and whites. It's as if a lot of the time i'll see a white person be cordial to a black person but in a different way than kindness. It almost seems condescending in nature as if it's a given truth that a white person is simply higher up on the social status ladder. Hopefully i'm jumping to a false conclusion because i haven't been here that long, although things definitely seem a little out-dated for me.
In my immediate area there definitely a lot of forward thinking people. I really would like to meet some of them, it's just having the guts to just go up to someone and introduce myself is going to be difficult. That is the goal though. I really have to get a group of people around so i have some companionship and something fun to do on the weekends.

Beginnings are such a difficult thing, almost as troublesome as endings. We drift into the unknown under both circumstances, however, the beginning is the adventure, it is the exploration of something new and possibly a discovery of something that is going to give us new meaning to happiness. To end is to leave something behind, possibly someone, possibly the very things that gave you a new meaning to happiness. With this first post I am preparing to begin a new life, far away from everyone and everything I've ever known. I am also preparing to lose that which I am comfortable with. I am ending a life and starting a new one. Looking at a transition with such an emphasis on the divide is helping. I am putting this life to rest and coming back to the world a different person, with different strengths, different weaknesses. It makes such a short simple existence a little more complicated, as if there were other paths I could have taken along the way. It is this notion that keeps me going, the notion of free will, even though it is mostly just illusions I create for myself. Life is so much more interesting when you can choose, when there isn't just one path. So here I am in a moment of transition beginning to write about it, in hopes to get it all out, emotion, hidden intentions, hopes and grievances. I'll let you know how it goes.