Oh yesterday, today has come and erased you and it was a good thing indeed because you were awful. Yesterday was a moment of realization. The realization of futility the likes i've never been witness to before. A futility that didn't seem like it was going to ever be resolved. I am a weakling, i am a sham, and i don't think i can ever deal with a plan that's longer than five days. When i can see years into my future it is a dark thought, a thought that invites other equally unattractive thoughts with it all at once without warning or even good manners. I saw at least a decade yesterday and it made me white, it made me cold, it made me drink the rest of my beer supply in a show of adolescent rebellion. But it was ok, because i had a friend, and a British comedy. I am still feeling rather weak though. I'm so incredibly impatient, and greedy and selfish; i want happiness, right now without all the dull work and repetition of a normal productive life.
Today was different for some reason though, possibly because i had no more beer to drown my sorrows, but it was different. It was cool and damp and uncommonly peaceful. I felt a little more motivated, a little more complacent even. I don't know... this is all so... strange. I'm still trying to figure out if i like being here, if i like going to work, whether it's even worth it to find people with something in common with me. But, the futility again, i have no choice in the matter. I mean, i do, but i wouldn't do anything extreme at this point because too many people would be disappointed and because i'm a big pussy. Alas, i need to calm down and focus on a few things before i go nuts. Worrying about all this mess about where i'm going to be in 10 years is too much to handle right now.