So, Veronica blew me off. It was a weird situation. I had invited her over the first presidential debate to share a few beers and talk about how the country might be on the verge of collapse. I thought it would be fun, i thought we could bond and wish the world good riddance, but that is not what happened. Yes, i was a little drunk and smoking a cigar, so my apartment smelled like shit and i was not as tactful as my sober self. So i figured this was why she was so silent at first, so distant so uncomfortable. After the debate we really go to talking and i pushed her. I wanted to know what was wrong that was making her so distant. So, i pushed and pushed until she made it clear i was not getting anywhere, and then i quickly changed the subject to music. I tried to show her a few things, get her involved, break some the tension i had caused, but little to my knowledge it was making the situation worse. She felt like i was lecturing her, like i was still pushing, so she left. But, it seemed fine, i mean, yes, i pushed to get her involved and interact with me, but i thought she would translate this as me caring about her. I thought she would get the impression that i was telling her things i don't tell anyone else, sharing personal things with her.

A week later i IM her expecting to get some company on a lonely saturday night and she goes on a tirade; harsh accusations, one after another, of that night and things i thought were in the past. It was brutal, she made me feel like an asshole, like a terrible person who gets off on other people's weakness. I'm not, i'm a standup guy who respects boundries and i'm generally pretty perceptive. Veronica was looking for a reason to blow me off. Because on Labor Day of this year i told her i didn't want to date her. She said it was ok, and she said i was way too much of a "rockin guy" to not stay friends, but this was a lie. It's possible she didn't realize it when she said it. It's possible it took some time to sink in. But, Veronica doesn't have time for more friends, she doesn't have any energy left after school and two jobs and modelling and radio and music. She doesn't have any reason at all to keep me around because i just give her another thing to balance, another stress.

And it's for the best. She never did anything for me because i never had her trust. She made it clear that it takes a lot of time and effort to earn her kindness, and i just didn't have it in me. I'm impatient. I think you should be excited and welcoming and giving to people from the start and wait for them to break the trust. But, that's me, and she's different. We're just not compatible people, and that's all. Still in Richmond, still without a friend to lean on, and still alive. That's the biggest part. If i get into trouble i can call Travis and hope he picks up.

I woke up this morning with broken images of horror still reverberating in my memory. I'm not aware of my dreams that often, maybe one day out of the week, but for a long time now the ones i do remember have been nightmares. They always have the same set of themes, abandonment, being lost, carrying some unreasonable burden. They're all different in their imagery, but all dealing with the same concepts. My tasks aren't usually the disturbing part. For example, last night i had the task of carrying luggage for my family after a long trip. They didn't recognize me though and treated me like a bell hop. But, i was walking the luggage through a farm, muddy and enclosed in barbed wire. On the ground there were all sorts of small birds, wallowing in mud and nipping at my ankles. I just walked over and on them. Crushing some as i cleared a path for my apathetic family. That's how it always is. If not creepy bird-like creatures, then bugs or worms or something completely original that my head just seems to come up with.

I can't remember the last good dream i had; i can't remember when it happened or what my life was like at the time. I can only remember nightmares and the horrible images that escape my sub-conscious scarring, desensitising me.

Sometimes when i'm frustrated i burn an album that sounds especially good at high volume in my car and do a lap around downtown. It's a shallow attempt at attracting attention, even a brief look of disgust is all the recognition i'm looking for and more often than not it happens. Last night i played Undertow by Tool. To give a brief explanation of what that album means to me; compared to all the extreme metal, death metal, black metal, grind, that album is more brutal and more powerful than the lot of it. It's visceral, it's jarring, it's emotionally exhausting, and perfect for the emotions i was trying to deal with. Last night while waiting at a stop light next to a fairly busy section of downtown, next to the Irish Pub Sine, this middle aged couple walks over to my car. They started to dance, they started to dance to Tool. I didn't recognize it at first, but then the guy yelled at me through the wall of sound being projected from my driver's side window, "Hey! Could you stick around for a little while... Turn it up!" I replied, "Of course!" and dialed a couple more notches clockwise on the volume knob. But, the light turned green and while shifting my left arm from resting on the window to the steering wheel, i gave him a wave of respect and sped off, squeeling slightly around a sharp turn. It was so refreshing. In the sea of apathy that is this town; someone not only reacted to a disturbance but reacted adaptively, enjoying the sudden chaos that fell upon that small section of cobblestone laden street.

The temperature is beginning to fall again. Unlike other years i'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to go for a walk without worrying about pit stains or smell or going through shirts too fast. I'm looking forward to buying a couple sweaters so i can advertise some variety in my attire at work. I'm looking forward to the leaves changing and falling and hope it doesn't pass me by too qickly like it did last season.

This summer was not really any fun. I remember feeling lonely most of the time, and i'm sure it's mostly a seasonal thing. Spring and summer are times where all instincts are telling you to mate, and to a less drastic extent, be with people. But with fall i won't feel quite as wanting, quite as inadequate because i'll be preparing for hibernation. I'll be eating more, making sure my den is warm and comfortable, embracing the loneliness as a time of rest and reflection. I look forward to buying myself a really nice bottle of scotch to warm me up on what i decide are special nights.

I'm curious as to how i'll feel about these years spent in Richmond later on in life. I wonder if i'd even remember them or repress them like most of the memories of early education. I think i might remember the silence, or an assortment of white noises: the sound of spinning fans on my computer, the clunk and cycle of my AC/heat unit, the cicadas and other summer time insects, relentless clicking of computer mice at work, and the sound of my engine on the morning and afternoon commutes; all secondary, all generally forgettable, but no more forgettable than anything else that has happened here.

It's finally starting to get warmer, the trees are starting to show a little green, i can walk outside in a t-shirt and feel comfortable. I'm looking forward to enjoying my first full spring/summer here. It'll be interesting to see how much happier i am in warmer weather. When i first arrived last June it was already starting to cool off and the coming winter perpetuated a lot of negative feelings. It's odd how much the weather effects me, but i know i will feel as if i'm starting again with the new season. I'll turn in some old habits for new ones and spend a lot more time outside around people i don't know. I'll play the system loud with the windows down. I'll spend more time at the local music store.
I'm hoping to start appreciating music again. For too long i've been gobbling up everything in sight looking for the "prefect" bands. To my surprise i tore through whole genres just to find myself perpetually disappointed. It's because i was looking for immediate satisfaction, comparing and contrasting similar bands that i had previously pigeon-holed. I plan from this week on to buy a new cd every week and really appreciate it, let it develop, take time to understand where the artist was coming from. I might even buy a turntable considering the insane amount of vinyl at this place. I might even post here of my weekly findings.

I was startled the first few days of having the system installed in my car. It pushes the limits of aural experience. It's tuned perfectly for the music i love, it can thunder louder than i could possibly stand, it's more accurate than any music system i've ever heard. And so there is another aspect of my life i am content with. This is a theme for me that i've noticed before. When i have an interest that pushes me each day closer to obsession and eventually satisfy that obsession with the ultimate, perfect solution, i find myself content. But that is the key, perfection only comes in the form of material possessions. Perfection doesn't apply to people. And, it was people that let me down this weekend. It could have been my fault, i really don't know because no one ever told me.
There is just one final conclusion though. I'm tired of the people here. I spoke of this before, rather i whined of this before, pathetically. Once again i find myself feeling like an alien, like a foreign species ripped from its native habitat. People watch me, i watch them, and there are only questions from both sides about our existences. I feel no closer to the people of Richmond than i did upon moving here. Eight months and nothing to show for it other than a few shiny things. It is those things that are allowing me to cope, the big screen so i can feel close to the characters in the myriad movies i watch, the car so i can progressively go deaf and truly show what an aggressive driver is (a symbolic scream of sorts, really just fighting for some sort of attention) Of course other things take up my time as well, the music, the books, work to an extent. (which is actually becoming a job thankfully)
I have over the months closed myself into my apartment surfacing only when i truly can't stand seeing these bare walls anymore. I actually did find one safe place to venture to during those times of personal disgust: the Starbucks just down the street. It's actually quite a good haven. The hipsters scoff at the existence of starbucks so i can avoid them, and it's usually quiet and not too crowded. I still have issues with reading in public and actually staying focused but i'm improving on that skill every time i go.
So again, i'm telling myself to wait, to be patient. Eventually being alone will pay off, in some way. I do believe in the balance of things. A lot of good has been happening and it makes perfect sense that other aspects of my life would fail.
My stress is down, so my heart has been feeling much better, not waking me up at night, not bothering me at the gym, so i can pay more attention to my physical wellness without worrying. I'm still convinced that is going to pay off some way eventually; of course it may just mean holding back the inevitable decline of aging, and probably not having to do with a foxy girl that appreciates it ;). I can still dream though, as always.

I went to a bar this weekend just to get out and have a beer. The place was Europa and i witnessed something interesting. Upon walking in i was relieved to find an empty stool at the bar and sat down. Next to me was a middle aged guy. He was very clean cut with his hair slicked back, wearing a full off-white suit reminiscent of the images i remember of rich plantation owners. After sitting there for a few minutes i notice a woman, stunning; tall, in great shape, long blonde hair, dressed conservatively, smiling as if her face could achieve no other expression. She couldn't have been over 26. She was apparently the white suit's fiance and he was there that night to show her off. He made comments like "Look at how good she looks, she 's my fiance!" There was no communication between them, only communication between him and other men at the bar including the bar tender. The whole scene was just ridiculous. I know marrying for money is not a rare thing, but seeing it first hand was intense. It was jarring. I shouldn't judge people though, they may end up happy, which is something that i know i avoid. I avoid it inadvertently through non-acceptance and certain romantic sensibilities, but i avoid it all the same.

The anticipation is killing me, so is not having my car. You see the audio supply shop i went to needed an extra day to install my system, so i am car-less at the moment. Although i did get lucky, the guy who is installing the beastly components of electromagnetic brilliance also has an affinity for the darker, heavier styles of music and knows exactly how to tune the output to my liking. I am more excited about this install than i was about buying the car in the first place. Sad? yes. But, i live for music, and so the anticipation will keep rising until an explosion of earth shattering bass from the trunk of my car at approximately 2:00 tomorrow.

The past few weeks have been fairly stressful. I feel like i'm recovering right now, still feeling all the symptoms of anxiety and panic, only for no reason. From past experience i know the feeling is temporary, and soon enough i'll be able to sleep comfortably and start going to the gym. I just need some time to relax.

My trip to charlotte was exactly what i had imagined it would be: juvenile team building exercises targeting at routing out potential introverts with the purpose of exposing and humiliating them. (a dramatic description but quite accurate from my perspective as an introvert) Then, less than a week later i had to be part of a panel with the purpose of convincing current college seniors to apply for a job with the bank. I spoke, but i can't imagine i was very clear or at all helpful. Then, this past weekend i made another trip up to NJ to see my parents and a couple friends. That should have been relaxing, seven hours in a car is not fun and i'm never all that relaxed at home. The relationship i have with my father is too hostile and complicated to ever be at peace in his presence. I did have one good night with a couple friends, which was good because i didn't think i'd even see them. Those two seem to always be around when i need them, which is good considering how often i'm around.

I had some fun on my way back. About two hours left in my trip i thought to myself "fuck if i car if i get a ticket, i want to get home now." So i averaged a speed of 90 on I-95 the rest of the way flying past traffic and maintaining a good sense of recklessness. I'm amazed i didn't get stopped. There have been similar times where i feel like i need to do something and i make it very clear to whoever is listening to my inner dialog, and they understand and make sure i get home safe. Luck and coincidence are a little more reasonable of an explanation, but it is nice to think that someone is listening.

I've decided to quit the whole online dating mess. It got me into more trouble and more awkward uncomfortable situations than anything i've ever done. It could have been mostly my fault, considering i went into it thinking that it was possible to make some casual friends. People who are on online dating sites are lonely. They're looking for steady relationships, and me being in that community just isn't right. I am lonely, but i'm not looking for someone to fix that. I was just looking to fit in here. I was being impatient and realize now that the only way to fit in is to be patient, stick to a comfortable routine, and be polite when that routine puts you in the proximity of people. Patience is getting a little bit easier, but i still need to do a lot of adjusting, compromising, and submitting before i can stop complaining and call this place home.

Pic of the car...

The gym was packed tonight, lots of meatheads taking up the whole free-weight area, so i just stuck to mostly cardio. I'm proud of myself though because i was able to pick up my pace quite a bit without my heart rate getting too high.

I've been feeling more and more guilty about my work situation and decided to make an honest effort at creating relevant projects for myself since i have no assigned work. I will still be continuing my book, but this one is considerably more challenging to get through than Battle Royale was: The Brother's Karamazov. It's kind of silly how extremely different these books are. In Battle Royale sometimes it only took a page of brief commentary or explanation before a character was killed lying in a pool of their own blood. In this one however it takes a full chapter for Dostoevsky to describe one conversation. His writing has an infinite amount of depth, and i'm getting more and more used to it each chapter, but it is still a tough read.

That's it for tonight, nothing really on my mind...

I've been trying a ton of different beers since i've been down here. If i don't get a six pack by the end of the week i get a 22 ounce of something really rare. There's this one by rogue, it's called hazelnut brown nectar. It is a perfect beer and i'm trying to decide whether or not i can call it my favorite. It's a difficult call simply because there are so many varieties and it's nearly impossible to compare between them.

It pours with a light brown head that dissipates slowly, but surely after a few minutes. As soon as it hits the bottom of your glass you can smell the nutty aromas, the hazelnut is most pronounced but that scent is accompanied by dark fruit, something like fig or even a sweeter cherry. Once i actually get around to taking a sip... Perfect, it's more of a malty flavor with a less pronounced presence of hops. The malts are reminiscent of coffee and bitter dark chocolate but smoothed over with the almost creamy nutty presence. This is where the variety of malts really comes out in a profound complex flavor. The mouthfeel is smooth and buttery with almost no evidence that the alcohol content is in fact a little higher than average. And the aftertaste is long and pronounced leaving a fading memory as the flavor shifts and changes to a surprisingly refreshing and light climax.

I would recommend this brew to everyone because it's not overwhelming in any way, but has the depth and complexity most brewers wish they could achieve.

Tonight there is a plan. I fairly recently met a person, Todd, who is very informed of the local music scene and wants to show me the underground in which they dwell. His main intention is to have a trustworthy person to give support in the search of willing females, and even though i'm still not quite sure i could handle such a situation, i am going to keep my eyes open for what i've been looking for since i got here, while helping him out of course.

Now that things have calmed down a little bit i can try and recap the holidays:

Being in NYC with Derek and Ali was a great couple days.

Going to Poughkeepsie with almost all the girls was slightly overwhelming, but just because i was lacking my wingman James.

But, the last day of vacation i got really sick. I still don't know whether it was a virus or food poisoning but i wasn't able to eat anything for 5 days. I lost 15 pounds in that amount of time and it's disgusting to be this skinny again.

On my trip back to Richmond my car broke down. It got me here, but it was completely dead within two days. This caused me an immense amount of stress, and i almost lost it, being all sick, i was lost without any options and no ride to work.

So, the first day that i had the strength to i took a cab to a Ford dealer and bought a 2007 Mustang. It is a beast. I get chills just from looking at it, and driving it is empowering to say the least.

For now, i'm stable. Losing my car while unable to eat was a really frightening experience. I don't think i've ever felt more helpless or alone. And, i'm sure there are more challenges to come, but for now i have a really sick ride and a fresh dose of confidence.