It's finally starting to get warmer, the trees are starting to show a little green, i can walk outside in a t-shirt and feel comfortable. I'm looking forward to enjoying my first full spring/summer here. It'll be interesting to see how much happier i am in warmer weather. When i first arrived last June it was already starting to cool off and the coming winter perpetuated a lot of negative feelings. It's odd how much the weather effects me, but i know i will feel as if i'm starting again with the new season. I'll turn in some old habits for new ones and spend a lot more time outside around people i don't know. I'll play the system loud with the windows down. I'll spend more time at the local music store.
I'm hoping to start appreciating music again. For too long i've been gobbling up everything in sight looking for the "prefect" bands. To my surprise i tore through whole genres just to find myself perpetually disappointed. It's because i was looking for immediate satisfaction, comparing and contrasting similar bands that i had previously pigeon-holed. I plan from this week on to buy a new cd every week and really appreciate it, let it develop, take time to understand where the artist was coming from. I might even buy a turntable considering the insane amount of vinyl at this place. I might even post here of my weekly findings.

I was startled the first few days of having the system installed in my car. It pushes the limits of aural experience. It's tuned perfectly for the music i love, it can thunder louder than i could possibly stand, it's more accurate than any music system i've ever heard. And so there is another aspect of my life i am content with. This is a theme for me that i've noticed before. When i have an interest that pushes me each day closer to obsession and eventually satisfy that obsession with the ultimate, perfect solution, i find myself content. But that is the key, perfection only comes in the form of material possessions. Perfection doesn't apply to people. And, it was people that let me down this weekend. It could have been my fault, i really don't know because no one ever told me.
There is just one final conclusion though. I'm tired of the people here. I spoke of this before, rather i whined of this before, pathetically. Once again i find myself feeling like an alien, like a foreign species ripped from its native habitat. People watch me, i watch them, and there are only questions from both sides about our existences. I feel no closer to the people of Richmond than i did upon moving here. Eight months and nothing to show for it other than a few shiny things. It is those things that are allowing me to cope, the big screen so i can feel close to the characters in the myriad movies i watch, the car so i can progressively go deaf and truly show what an aggressive driver is (a symbolic scream of sorts, really just fighting for some sort of attention) Of course other things take up my time as well, the music, the books, work to an extent. (which is actually becoming a job thankfully)
I have over the months closed myself into my apartment surfacing only when i truly can't stand seeing these bare walls anymore. I actually did find one safe place to venture to during those times of personal disgust: the Starbucks just down the street. It's actually quite a good haven. The hipsters scoff at the existence of starbucks so i can avoid them, and it's usually quiet and not too crowded. I still have issues with reading in public and actually staying focused but i'm improving on that skill every time i go.
So again, i'm telling myself to wait, to be patient. Eventually being alone will pay off, in some way. I do believe in the balance of things. A lot of good has been happening and it makes perfect sense that other aspects of my life would fail.
My stress is down, so my heart has been feeling much better, not waking me up at night, not bothering me at the gym, so i can pay more attention to my physical wellness without worrying. I'm still convinced that is going to pay off some way eventually; of course it may just mean holding back the inevitable decline of aging, and probably not having to do with a foxy girl that appreciates it ;). I can still dream though, as always.

I went to a bar this weekend just to get out and have a beer. The place was Europa and i witnessed something interesting. Upon walking in i was relieved to find an empty stool at the bar and sat down. Next to me was a middle aged guy. He was very clean cut with his hair slicked back, wearing a full off-white suit reminiscent of the images i remember of rich plantation owners. After sitting there for a few minutes i notice a woman, stunning; tall, in great shape, long blonde hair, dressed conservatively, smiling as if her face could achieve no other expression. She couldn't have been over 26. She was apparently the white suit's fiance and he was there that night to show her off. He made comments like "Look at how good she looks, she 's my fiance!" There was no communication between them, only communication between him and other men at the bar including the bar tender. The whole scene was just ridiculous. I know marrying for money is not a rare thing, but seeing it first hand was intense. It was jarring. I shouldn't judge people though, they may end up happy, which is something that i know i avoid. I avoid it inadvertently through non-acceptance and certain romantic sensibilities, but i avoid it all the same.