And another Sunday has passed, and... damn! i just remembered i still have to do laundry... But, i'll be doing it with a full stomach. Tonight i made kind of an awesome dinner. I wanted to improvise something from the random stuff i had in my apt. so a salad seemed like a logical choice. This is what it was made up of: one can salmon flaked with mayo, a nature's valley oat and honey granola bar crushed and mixed into the salmon, that spread over lettuce with a ripe tomato sliced up, and lastly little clementine wedges on top; all that with walnut vinaigrette dressing drizzled over the top. Sounds kind of odd i know, but the flavors complemented each other better than i had expected; it was delicious, and pretty healthy.
On a side note, i tuned my guitar all the way down to c standard tonight. I didn't think the strings could handle being that low, but they're managing and it sounds thunderous. Even though i'm sticking around the first few frets just making terribly evil sounding riffs, it feels good after kind of a crappy weekend.

Tonight fucking sucked. I went for a run before and i don't know what the hell happened but my nose has been running ever since. I had big plans of just walking aimlessly to a couple bars and showing my alternative self in full form (that sounds fucking pretentious, but anyone who knows me understands) I just wanted to do something crazy and destructive tonight, but damnit my nose won't give up and my left eye is watering non-stop. Could be a sign that i was going to do something stupid, but fuck it's frustrating when all you want is release and something as trivial as a runny nose ruins the whole thing. Shit... didn't stop me from getting hammered though. Beer after beer in my apartment, yeah, it makes me seem like a fucking alchy but i needed it. Richmond has been giving me nothing but grief and i need to let go. Let go of everything, i want out of this place so bad...

I just hit 666 pageviews on my deviantart account. Have to celebrate this by doing something... probably just going to get trashed. That's all.

Damn, just came back from the gym. You'd think at this hour there would be so few people that you would never have to wait for anything, but alas, everyone there was doing free-weights and as soon as you left your bench to get a splash of water some dude would swoop in and destroy your whole flow. But, no matter, i wasn't really feeling too hot tonight anyway. My heart was a little iffy, fluttering once in a while, means i'm too stressed over something and i should take it easy. I'm stressed for the same reason as usual though, just too much on my mind and no one to talk it out with. And, right before the gym i watched the movie Seven. If you're not aware of it the plot is simply about a psycho who recreates the seven deadly sins to prove a point to humanity; pretty brutal film. There were a couple parts that caught me a little off-guard. Of course that's what makes a good movie, sequences that have relevance to you, some real enough to make you reevaluate your own situation. Well, i'm reevaluating and coming up empty, but i have some good news to balance it! I just ordered a 50" HDTV with a DVD player, a movie-watching dream come true. (a whole lot better than watching low resolution movies on my computer) That and a Blockbuster membership will help a lot in putting my head somewhere else until i start to feel comfortable with this place.

I'm in a weird state right now. Like consciousness is fuzzy, perception is just a little off. Dreams begin to mix with reality. I feel like what i used to clean my floor last night wasn't Lysol, it was in fact bug spray and the cockroaches are presently forming brigades in a strike against me and my bad intentions. I feel like the girl that i came so close to embracing in a dream the other night might actually exist. The silence here is thick, impenetrable, i could shout obscenities to no one and it would do nothing but make my own head spin. I don't feel tired, i haven't felt tired for a while. Sleep is dreaded and haunting. It reminds me of my death and what dreams may come taunt my imagination to an extent of hoping for things that will never exist. In the waking hours, the lights, all terribly unnatural, are like x-rays peering into my head. Someone might be reading them, might be watching, might be waiting for the moment i slip. The second when the wavelengths shift into somewhere they've never been before, where decisions make no sense to anyone but myself. I can break the rules and cry havoc, but only at that moment in time and i'll be waiting as well, for the release, for the shit storm to whirl around my shriveled brain. Silence in insanity, insanity in silence. That's when the people, the green, the dirt will melt leaving me to my abyss. And a peaceful solitude it will be, away from the snarling breath, the filthy glances of shifty eyes, away from everything unkind.

She may exist, the girl, with long brown hair, with deep green eyes, but only in the interchangeable reality of the subconscious. Who's to say a world without rules, without perception of time or space or control can't be the real one. It's easy to give logic precedence but it is logic that says dreams are not real, and it is a dream that clearly states logic is rubbish. How are we to pick sides when there is no reason to exist in either. There may not be a beginning or an end to a dream, but as the universe is infinite there are no beginnings or endings here either, just a constant cycle of experiences, of events that have no real bearing on anything. So, she does exist, and for the moment the only reason i'm still here is because of the curiosity of it all. Nothing really matters, so experience is the key. The only thing left to do is to keep going in the same eventual direction, but take as many paths as humanly possible.

It's so easy to give up and fall captive to your own loneliness spitting a flurry of words that don't make any sense, but it's the fight we undertake. I'm going to get out of this place, go to the gym, maybe to the supermarket, hopefully replacing the brown haired girl with something more real. An image seen is better than an image created. (Maybe the reason i like photography so much...)

Tonight was a good night. A few beers and a good conversation with a friend followed by some pool. It would have been a little nicer with more opportunities to meet some new people, but for a saturday night i really shouldn't complain. And tomorrow... the museum of fine arts. I plan on bringing a pen and something to write on so i can give a decent recap of my visit. So until then...

I had the biggest urge to play beruit tonight. I just pictured myself and James (my usual teammate) standing on the end of a table sinking cups one after the other for hours on end. God i miss that. It would be so nice to find that somewhere here. I wouldn't need it every weekend like we did at school; just once a month or so. There was something so perfect about it's simplicity. Nothing was expected of you except hitting cups, and that was easy after a while. The music was always perfect, just something to keep a beat. And you stood there with a brother, with someone who would say "dude, we'll just beat 'em next time" if we lost, and "just focus man, you can do it" if it's close. Sometimes it got intense; when you're at the table for so many games, the pressure builds, but it's a good pressure, it's excitement and if you eventually lose, you just think "damn, that was a good run."
Thinking about it now, i don't think there is anything else in life that's like it. I mean, other sports build brotherhood and teamwork and confidence and skill, but this is different. Maybe some of the difference comes into play with the amount of alcohol being consumed. Emotions seem to go so much deeper when you've had a few beers; especially for a guy like me, spending most of my time simply trying to hide emotion from other people.
One more thing to mention would be the ease of making a reputation for yourself. I was good some nights, and people understood that. Some would say, "oh shit, j&j's (jim and james) on the table," and i would respond with a silent but confident smile. And James, jesus, he was known all over campus; his technique although unusual (throwing underhand) won so many games. It was amazing.
Damnit, good times. I should start up a league or something, post flyers and get a bunch of VCU kids into it. If people caught on, we could designate houses to be pong houses and there would be an online forum signup preventing fights at the venue. I wouldn't even need to play, just stand in awe and maybe shamelessly flirt with a few girls who had proven themselves on the table. That would be amazing.

This weekend was not so good. I don't feel like going into much detail, but my car's battery died, my own fault, but it was beyond the condition of keeping a charge. I had to get it towed the tow truck was 2 hours late. I had to get a taxi back, no taxi's showed up, of the 8 that i called all saying something like "well, we don't have any cars over there" or "we're swamped tonight." So after two hours of waiting, while i witnessed a shooting and a car turnover (no, i'm not kidding) i managed to bum a ride from another local tow truck who was nice enough to use me as an excuse not to go on his next call. I wait the next morning for the mechanic to call me; no call. I called him; he says "umm, yeah, we recommend you get a new timing belt and water pump," I ask how much would that cost, and he replied $1090.80. Considering i got this done in NJ for $300 I wanted to say "you've got to be fucking kidding," but i say "no, just the battery thank you." Mind you it still cost $180 just to get a new battery, something i could have gotten at sears for $60 if i had some alternative means of transportation.
The worst part was just sitting hopelessly in front of a pep boys in the south side of richmond witnessing a crime scene and not having any way to get home. FUCK RICHMOND CABS. I am so fucking sick of these people. They are understaffed and don't have a fucking clue where anything is. So they screw around running up a fucking meter leaving you helpless and broke. And i'm pissed at mechanics. Sure, they might have a reputation for being ass clowns but fucking christ i am one of the most honest polite fucking people you will ever deal with. Show some god damn respect! While i'm on this little tirade i might as well mention that i haven't run into a good fucking driver yet. The thing that probably pisses me off the most is the inability for these people to check their blind spot. Yes, i know you have a little car and your mirror should suffice, but it doesn't! There's still a car-length of space that you can't see unless you turn your head and fucking look. No one, i mean no one knows how to merge. Nobody. It's like they freak out, slam on the gas or break and hope for the best when all they have to do is match the speed of the traffic your merging with! Oh, and the bikes. Everyone here has a bike and thinks they are indestructible. Given, if i hit one of them, i'm the one that's going to be blamed. But that also means they're going to be fucking DEAD! Yes, i can see your little flashing light. That does not give you the right to dart out in front of me from a side street! And since when did everyone get so judgmental about the music people listen to. Here, it's divided pretty much in half. If you listen to country you hate everyone that listens to punk, and if you listen to punk then you automatically hate all things country. Everyone else is fucked. Seriously. If you don't fit into one of those groups there's little to no place for you here. I've been to metal shows, the only people there are shithead scene trash who just want to show off in front of their insecure girlfriend and people that travel with the band. Luckily i know enough about punk to carry on a conversation, but as soon as i mention i'm a metalhead it's like i just kicked a baby. And STOP GETTING TATTOOS BECAUSE OF THE TREND. Yes, it's a creative way to express yourself, but if it doesn't mean anything then it doesn't count. If the only thing that you can say about your tattoo is "it looked cool" then fuck off, you're going to wind up hating it later on. It's so god damn trendy here... And this one doesn't so much make me angry, just frustrated. STOP GETTING MARRIED WHEN YOU'RE 20 YEARS OLD. It's cute that you think you love each other, but it's fucking stupid. You're too young, you haven't dated enough, and spending some time single is healthy because it shows you don't need to be dependent on someone to be happy. (i'm hoping anyway) It's so insane when i see people my age walking around strollers. (they flood the sidewalks) And if you are taken, don't flurt with other people at the bar! It's disappointing and sad and it's another thing that i witness every time i go out.

OK, that's it for now, needless to say i'm a little bent out of shape and if i've offended or misrepresented anyone i'm sorry. This whole experience has been making me nothing but bitter. I'm counting the seconds before Oct 4th when i can go back to my home and have some fun with good friends.

Well, it seems the universe can not exist without balance. Today was indeed painful, but it went fairly quickly and i am thankful for that.

Ok, today was a legitimately good day. It rained all day yesterday. And so today it was as if all the tensions of the heat and the humidity had been relieved creating some sort of balance. I could feel it as i walked out of the door, my first breath was refreshing, awakening, like the weather was giving me motivation to succeed in whatever menial battles i would attempt to take on in my cubicle. It never got too hot so i could even walk around outside for a break and not get all gross. Lunch was good; i made a brown sugar roasted ham and provolone sandwich so i didn't have to bother the nice hispanic woman in the cafeteria. (whenever i go down there i feel like i have to take a pre-made sandwich because no one takes them and i hate the concept of wasting food, and i'm not even the least bit picky when it comes to eating a soggy sandwich. But, they're in a spot where i can't reach them behind the counter so i have to ask the woman behind the counter to get it, but she can hardly reach them, so we wind up always doing a collaborative thing where i reach one hand and old the sandwich while she positions a Styrofoam container beneath it and once i drop it in, she hands it to me and says in the nicest way she could possibly deliver "Have a nice day!" and i respond with a hopefully equal amount of kindness "You too!")
The drive home was good; you know when you make a cd, and sometimes the songs are off-queue, meaning you think to yourself "why did i even make the piece of garbage" but only because the songs don't play in accordance to the right events. Well, when stranglehold by ted nugent came on while i was making a daring pass in somewhat tight traffic, it was perfect. For a taste i'll give an excerpt from the song:

Here i come again now baby
like a dog in heat
tell it's me by the clamor now baby
i like to tear up the street,
and i been smokin for so long,
ya know im here to stay
got you in a stranglehold baby
you best get outta the way

How perfect is that when you're weaving in and out of traffic? Brilliant.
Anyway, the gym was good. Of course i'm a sad lonely man and therefore am slowly developing a crush on the girl that is always at the front desk when i come in. She's cute and she has the nicest tone in her voice when she says "how you doin?" I'm mildly crushed every time searching for a clever response but usually the colorless "good, how are you?" is delivered and i am on my way to the free weight area. No matter, a crush it will remain because as i said in one of my previous posts, i'm not looking, i'm waiting to get some money to make my apartment comfortable and am focusing on my guitar, which is going well. (today i improvised my first solo on the E minor pentatonic scale, woot)
I'll be hoping the cosmic energies don't decide to balance today with a painful day tomorrow, but we'll see. I will surely document it for the sake of writing.

Another day gone... Today was interesting at least, somewhat... Prepare yourself for i am about to go through a detailed explanation of a normal workday. Upon waking in a daze because i set my alarm clock 30 minutes before i usually do, i stumbled to the shower to assess my existence. I asked myself a question into the mirror, "Who would care if you didn't show up today?" And the answer is always the same, but the answer has little to do with anything. I always go. So, into the shower. I spend a little longer than usual knowing i woke a bit earlier. I'm not sure if i'm the only one who does this: turn the temperature of the water up just a little and stand under the shower head letting the water fall to my neck and over both shoulders feeling the warmth consume me like being wrapped in a blanket. It's calming, sort of takes you away for a minute or two. Skipping forward a little i sit down at my computer and hopelessly check who recently stalked me on a free online dating service. Pitiful, but mildly entertaining for a couple seconds every morning even though everyone on there is just as fucked as i am, making it impossible to meet someone.
And really, who would want to meet an online friend anyway? Takes all of the charm out of a first encounter. The nervousness, the boldness, the adrenaline pushing you to do and say things you normally wouldn't merely to show that you're better than any other guy in the immediate vicinity. That sounds primal because i think it is. I love the hunt, but it's much more enjoyable to be hunted, and i'll be waiting for that girl for quite some time.
Tangents aside i hop into my sweet ride, turn the volume up on my sweet system, which is currently playing Dig Up Her Bones by The Misfits. (amazing song to get your day started) and off i go. Now as i woke up a half hour early i am faced with a different sort of traffic than usual. I've decided that there are types of people the go to work at certain times: 1) The early type: those who are awake hours before their scheduled work time either to miss traffic or look like a kiss ass. These people are good drivers for the most part because they've had their coffee and are ready to do something important with their day, very driven, focused people. By definition they make me sick, but that's just because it differs from my own perpective. 2) The just on time type: These people show up right when they're supposed to within a minute. These are the people who hit snooze on the alarm clock twice or more before waking and leave little time for a healthy breakfast. (maybe a cup of coffee, but these people need more than a cup to get their ass is gear) These people are the worst drivers. It could be because there's just more of them, and we all know a crowd of people is only as efficient as the least efficient person in the crowd, so statistically, the driving sucks. People merge into your lane when you're right there, people forget how to use on-ramps and off-ramps, people drive slow as hell in the fast lane. (this one i just don't understand) 3) The show up when we god damn please group: This is the group where i currently reside, not because i'm irresponsible, but because i have flex time so i can literally show up when i god damn please. But for the people that aren't so lucky, this group comprises of the most honest people i think. They make they're own rules and i think for the most part they are the most skilled. They drive fast, not because they want to get anywhere, but because they are in a constant state of rebellion against the man and the local highway police is just as much an embodiment of the man as any. I have a very compatible driving style with these people, watching us move would be like watching salmon in a fast moving river. Graceful, yet determined, and aware that we're all in this shit show together.
Needless to say this is the time i usually go, later than the "mass commute." But, this morning i was early and fell into the second type. Needless to say, it was more stressful than what i'm used to and taught me that my normal departure time is quite good the way it is.
Now, when i get to the office i'm faced with people like me, people who come in every day, so naturally we should have something in common, grounds to even speak to each other when in close proximity. This is apparently not the case. I am apparently hated in my office by everyone but three people. The first Ruth, is in the neighboring cube to mine. She greets me every morning with "Hey Jim! How's it goin?" to which i reply, "not bad Ruth, how bout yourself?" and then she says in a sarcastic but playful tone "really for another exciting day!" and i respond with a "yeah..." This happens every morning with those exact exchanges. It's kind of odd, but she is a nice woman and i should really spice it up sometime. The second, Daryl, who sits another cube over, is the "man in charge." At least that's what he likes to give as a first impression. During one of our first conversations he said to me "You know i'm going to have to retire at some point and when i do, all of this could be yours." I can't remember what i replied with but i don't think it was the excited response he may have been looking for. He is also a really nice dude, and i can tell that if i ran into problems he would readily be there to assist. The third, my sort of manager, Mike, who is not my manager anymore after a re-org, but he still plays the role in getting me up to speed during my training period which should last a couple more months at least. Mike is a great guy; he's the type that would literally stand in front of a bullet for you, and i appreciate his guidance every moment he gives it to me.
So following the polite exchange with Ruth, i set up my laptop and check my email. After i feel like i've addressed all urgent messages, i get up and and hit the cafeteria for some breakfast. They always have this sausage egg and cheese on a muffin, which is the most delicious thing i've had in years. My mouth waters just thinking about it and i usually have one every morning. Probably not the healthiest thing but damn are they good. Any time i venture in and out of my cube it's the same though. People dread seeing me, of course i don't know if it's just me or anyone, but they will do anything in they're power not to say high in most cases. So by the time i get back i'm usually shrouded in a thick sense of awkwardness from the eye-averts and attempted smiles.
For the next 7-8 hours i sit in my cube taking small breaks just to walk around and to grab lunch when i feel hungry enough. The cube life is a dull life. I usually start off strong knocking a couple of online classes out of the way, but there's a certain point where you take so many notes that you're hand just can't take it anymore. At these times i take breaks just to read the news, listen to some music on pandora.com, or shop around for things i should buy for my apartment. I do about 4 hours of solid work a day.
Coming home i am not thinking about groups of traffic, trying to analyze what they're motivations are or thinking about what they might do. I do not give a shit about anything except walking into my apartment, so i make haste in getting home. And here it's the same routine as well. Sometimes i'll watch a movie, sometimes read a book, sometimes spend hours surfing the web wasting terrible amounts of time out of mere boredom. But always i will either go for a run or go to the gym. Today was a wonderful day for a run too. It was raining so it was cooling and i had taken a couple days rest so i was able to keep a very good pace. After a shower though it's still the same old filling the hours routine. I'm planning on buying some things to help, like a tv for some movies although i refuse to get cable and a new amp for the guitar so i can piss my neighbor off even more than i already do... and because i'm a junky for making new sounds come out of the instrument.
But, right now all i care about is making some money so i can turn this place into home, and looking damn sexy, which is another thing i'd like to explain but for another night.
After all that i actually started the post saying it was interesting and then continued with a more general description of a normal day. It was interesting simply because i got to run in the rain. It hasn't rained here for quite some time, and it was nice, cool, and calming. Something that small can really turn my day around sometimes.

I went to the gym tonight like i usually do, and went really hard. Although, some jerk was hoggin the entire ab area which was disappointing. No matter, i'm going to be in pain tomorrow and it is going to be good. I think i've come up with a pretty decent weekly routine, so i should be gaining a lot of the weight back that i lost while stressing the move down here.
I was thinking to myself today in the cube about maybe seeing a therapist again. I mean just as a long term goal. I went a couple times in college because it was free and both visits followed pretty bad anxiety attacks. I saw two different people and both told me they couldn't really tell why i was losing it because they said i seemed like i had most things in order. Of course i told them exactly what they wanted to hear, which is something i try to do in more aspects of life than i'd like to admit. This is another tactic of making everyone around me as content as possible. And today i was thinking about why, like why i was even thinking about seeing another therapist. I think i figured it out for the most part. There have been very few people in my life that have been legitimately interested in how i was feeling, so i never really told anyone. I think i got pretty used to this. There were a couple people in college that wanted to listen, but i was always more interested in what they were feeling than wanting them to worry or care about me because they were so important to me. I don't regret this, meaning i don't wish that i had told them more because our friendships were perfect the way they were. But maybe that's what i'm looking for now; someone to talk to that actually would like to just listen for a while. Of course my first reaction was to think of seeing a therapist because that's what they do, but it's different, it's cold, it's uncaring, it's driving toward a solution that may not exist. I'd like someone who actually gives a damn i guess. So in response to that feeling, that want, i think i'm going to go a little heavier on this blog; get a few things out that have been bottled up. I think it might help a little, until i can find some other way to vent. Ha, it seems like i've got a lot of vents. The gym is probably the biggest one. Coming back from that place feeling hurt is one of the best feelings. Like getting the shit beat out of you; it really makes life more real, it makes you feel vulnerable but strong at the same time. And you accomplished something that not many people do, something i'm going to keep up because i'm perpetually surrounded by middle aged men who let themselves go a long time ago. Turning into that is not an attractive concept. I can't even fathom it really. Once i actually find someone to settle down with i never want them to lose their attraction toward me. And i would appreciate a girl who felt the same way endlessly... that is of course if she were emotionally perfect for me as well. No... i'm not picky at all... :/

Today i had nothing planned so upon waking i decided to do something ambitious. I still need a lot of furniture and i was thinking about blowing some money on a tv, so naturally i needed a tv stand. Off to target i went, with the best intentions. After deciding on an espresso color? (no idea why they didn't call it dark brown) i attempted to lift it into my cart. I underestimated this piece of furniture. It turned out to be more than a hundred pounds (i weighed it personally) and in a very awkwardly shaped box. I wish my journey from the furniture isle to my apartment had been videotaped because i'm sure it would've made quite the situational comedy skit. I could have asked for help, but i just kept telling myself, be a man! you go the gym, don't you? you lift heavier things over your head. I should have asked for help. After straining my back, apologizing to several people of whom i was in the way of, breaking the molding clean off the back of the inside of my car's trunk, somehow managing to carry it up 3 flights of stairs, it was in my apartment. And just as a little added laugh, as soon as i opened the box, apparently the wrong way, the second heaviest piece fell out right onto my left foot. Assembly wasn't so bad though and now i can gaze to my right and see the new home to a tv i have yet to purchase and quite honestly have no money for, so...
I'm finding that my days, weekends included are turning into small ventures into things that merely keep me busy. This particular one included. I'm not finding much enjoyment in anything lately.

OK, so i think i'm giving up on this "i'll go out alone and meet people at bars" thing. It's gotten me into too many awkward situations already, and i just wind up spending a ton of money with little to no reward and no new friends, so screw it. If people want to meet me it's up to them and until then i'm going to just be alone for a while. I'm sort of getting used to it, which is awful because i always believed that the more people you surrounded yourself with the more you'd learn and the more you could try and better yourself, but there's a lot of things i can work on that i can do perfectly fine on my own. This is actually a good opportunity because i can focus on guitar a lot more than i could while i was at school. And i can hit the gym really hard and tone up a bit while i have the free time. It's going to be different, but i'll be fine. I'm sure as hell not going to be happy, but that's something i'm going to have to work pretty hard to get to, so i'm going to give it time. People always say friends or love interests always show up when you're not looking for them, so from now on i'm just going to stop looking.