I went to the gym tonight like i usually do, and went really hard. Although, some jerk was hoggin the entire ab area which was disappointing. No matter, i'm going to be in pain tomorrow and it is going to be good. I think i've come up with a pretty decent weekly routine, so i should be gaining a lot of the weight back that i lost while stressing the move down here.
I was thinking to myself today in the cube about maybe seeing a therapist again. I mean just as a long term goal. I went a couple times in college because it was free and both visits followed pretty bad anxiety attacks. I saw two different people and both told me they couldn't really tell why i was losing it because they said i seemed like i had most things in order. Of course i told them exactly what they wanted to hear, which is something i try to do in more aspects of life than i'd like to admit. This is another tactic of making everyone around me as content as possible. And today i was thinking about why, like why i was even thinking about seeing another therapist. I think i figured it out for the most part. There have been very few people in my life that have been legitimately interested in how i was feeling, so i never really told anyone. I think i got pretty used to this. There were a couple people in college that wanted to listen, but i was always more interested in what they were feeling than wanting them to worry or care about me because they were so important to me. I don't regret this, meaning i don't wish that i had told them more because our friendships were perfect the way they were. But maybe that's what i'm looking for now; someone to talk to that actually would like to just listen for a while. Of course my first reaction was to think of seeing a therapist because that's what they do, but it's different, it's cold, it's uncaring, it's driving toward a solution that may not exist. I'd like someone who actually gives a damn i guess. So in response to that feeling, that want, i think i'm going to go a little heavier on this blog; get a few things out that have been bottled up. I think it might help a little, until i can find some other way to vent. Ha, it seems like i've got a lot of vents. The gym is probably the biggest one. Coming back from that place feeling hurt is one of the best feelings. Like getting the shit beat out of you; it really makes life more real, it makes you feel vulnerable but strong at the same time. And you accomplished something that not many people do, something i'm going to keep up because i'm perpetually surrounded by middle aged men who let themselves go a long time ago. Turning into that is not an attractive concept. I can't even fathom it really. Once i actually find someone to settle down with i never want them to lose their attraction toward me. And i would appreciate a girl who felt the same way endlessly... that is of course if she were emotionally perfect for me as well. No... i'm not picky at all... :/