I saw an angel at the supermarket today.

Something i'm still doing that i told myself i wouldn't do anymore: do things that seem attractive in my mind. I can't help it really... I feel like meeting people is easier that way even though it isn't fucking working. And i found a song that i can play really obnoxiously loud in my car while driving gangsta with the windows down: Jimmy Eat World - Cautioners. It's one of my favorites and really shows some sensitivity. I'm a fucking loser.

Oh yesterday, today has come and erased you and it was a good thing indeed because you were awful. Yesterday was a moment of realization. The realization of futility the likes i've never been witness to before. A futility that didn't seem like it was going to ever be resolved. I am a weakling, i am a sham, and i don't think i can ever deal with a plan that's longer than five days. When i can see years into my future it is a dark thought, a thought that invites other equally unattractive thoughts with it all at once without warning or even good manners. I saw at least a decade yesterday and it made me white, it made me cold, it made me drink the rest of my beer supply in a show of adolescent rebellion. But it was ok, because i had a friend, and a British comedy. I am still feeling rather weak though. I'm so incredibly impatient, and greedy and selfish; i want happiness, right now without all the dull work and repetition of a normal productive life.
Today was different for some reason though, possibly because i had no more beer to drown my sorrows, but it was different. It was cool and damp and uncommonly peaceful. I felt a little more motivated, a little more complacent even. I don't know... this is all so... strange. I'm still trying to figure out if i like being here, if i like going to work, whether it's even worth it to find people with something in common with me. But, the futility again, i have no choice in the matter. I mean, i do, but i wouldn't do anything extreme at this point because too many people would be disappointed and because i'm a big pussy. Alas, i need to calm down and focus on a few things before i go nuts. Worrying about all this mess about where i'm going to be in 10 years is too much to handle right now.

Tonight i'm drinking smithwick's a few thoughts droning in my head. First it's been a month since i moved down here. It seems like no time has passed at all, but i've gotten a lot done, still have little to no furniture, but things like that take a lot of time. Another thing that takes a hell of a lot of time is meeting people, friends, cute girls, whatever. So far i've met a 50+ year old hippie/deadhead, a 30+ cook for a local restaurant, a somewhat unfavorable 30+ coworker, and to end the list on a high note, a cute junior in college. That is good, she's an awesome chick, but she doesn't have any friends here and she's moving away within weeks. So after that... i'll be back to not knowing any people like me. I say like me with a loose definition, more along the lines of age and recklessness than interests. I sort of met one other person, which seemed really hopeful. It was a strange scenario. I was wasted having gone to a bar alone and stayed there until nearly close just drinking at the bar developing a massive crush on a bartender covered in tattoos, only to have my hopes destroyed hearing that she was married to a member of the band avail, a very well known punk outfit. So i left and took an odd form of transportation back to my apt. a dude, on a bike, with a carriage attached to it. So i'm drunk and fairly talkative and bring up the local music scene, and he starts naming bands while i mention bands and we wind up having a decent conversation, which ended with a phone number and an invitation to get wasted the next night. This is all great so far, but i called, and to keep things delicate, he had some major family issues and couldn't do anything. And, i should remain somewhat hopeful for that connection, but i know that i was just some random drunk dude, probably not worth contacting again. So it goes. We'll see; i'll keep going out to bars, and shows, and whatever else comes up, but i'm impatient. I'm so used to seeing friendly faces at every turn, now i just don't have that and i want it back.

This one is of Ali, someone I left in poughkeepsie, someone i miss a whole lot already, hopefully she'll come visit sometime, but until then, random AIM messages are going to have to do.

Alright, so i'm in here in Richmond. Moving in was a nightmare. As soon as i walked into my my apartment I was faced with a pile of rubble and a large hole in the ceiling. How disconcerting... but that was cleaned up and hopefully the whole will be fixed soon enough. I have a very limited amount of furniture, although the essentials are all here. Places to sit, sleep, read, that's all i really need for now. I figured out most of the essential store locations without getting too lost. I even managed to get my car inspected and registered which was something i thought would take time and endless pain. Things really are working out for the best, even though i'm in low spirits right now. It's only because i don't know anyone. That's the hardest part after getting so used to a college environment always surrounded by friends. When that's suddenly gone and you're forced to live alone for a little while it's a little depressing. But i'm trying to make the best of it and figure out a game plan to meet some people. Of course i can't really think of anything except going out to a bar and chatting up an attractive girl, which i would love to do, but i think i'm going to just hang out until i have to start work. I want that to be my main focus right now so things go smoothly. I really have high hopes for this job and so far things are looking good. It's just that first stressful day filled with first impressions and worries and judgments, it's going to be harsh. I can only imagine what is in store for monday. All i can do is make sure i look good and show up with some imaginary confidence.
Being in Virginia is such an odd experience. People act so differently here as opposed to the new jersey new york area. People seem nicer at first, but i'm not quite sure if it's actual kindness or just habitual reactions. For example, it's common in new jersey to ask a passer-by "how's it goin?" but you rarely expect a response other than the exact question back. Here when you say it every responds "good, and how are you?" actually provoking a conversation. It's startling, and hopefully i don't come off as incredibly rude when i expose my northern curtness. Another thing i've noticed is the common reference to God, like "God bless you son" or "have a blessed day." Not being very religious i would feel wrong saying something like that in return which provides another culture gap that people might misinterpret.
The racial divide here is something else worth noting. Even though there is a much higher population of black people there is just as much social segregation between blacks and whites. It's as if a lot of the time i'll see a white person be cordial to a black person but in a different way than kindness. It almost seems condescending in nature as if it's a given truth that a white person is simply higher up on the social status ladder. Hopefully i'm jumping to a false conclusion because i haven't been here that long, although things definitely seem a little out-dated for me.
In my immediate area there definitely a lot of forward thinking people. I really would like to meet some of them, it's just having the guts to just go up to someone and introduce myself is going to be difficult. That is the goal though. I really have to get a group of people around so i have some companionship and something fun to do on the weekends.

Beginnings are such a difficult thing, almost as troublesome as endings. We drift into the unknown under both circumstances, however, the beginning is the adventure, it is the exploration of something new and possibly a discovery of something that is going to give us new meaning to happiness. To end is to leave something behind, possibly someone, possibly the very things that gave you a new meaning to happiness. With this first post I am preparing to begin a new life, far away from everyone and everything I've ever known. I am also preparing to lose that which I am comfortable with. I am ending a life and starting a new one. Looking at a transition with such an emphasis on the divide is helping. I am putting this life to rest and coming back to the world a different person, with different strengths, different weaknesses. It makes such a short simple existence a little more complicated, as if there were other paths I could have taken along the way. It is this notion that keeps me going, the notion of free will, even though it is mostly just illusions I create for myself. Life is so much more interesting when you can choose, when there isn't just one path. So here I am in a moment of transition beginning to write about it, in hopes to get it all out, emotion, hidden intentions, hopes and grievances. I'll let you know how it goes.