The anticipation is killing me, so is not having my car. You see the audio supply shop i went to needed an extra day to install my system, so i am car-less at the moment. Although i did get lucky, the guy who is installing the beastly components of electromagnetic brilliance also has an affinity for the darker, heavier styles of music and knows exactly how to tune the output to my liking. I am more excited about this install than i was about buying the car in the first place. Sad? yes. But, i live for music, and so the anticipation will keep rising until an explosion of earth shattering bass from the trunk of my car at approximately 2:00 tomorrow.

The past few weeks have been fairly stressful. I feel like i'm recovering right now, still feeling all the symptoms of anxiety and panic, only for no reason. From past experience i know the feeling is temporary, and soon enough i'll be able to sleep comfortably and start going to the gym. I just need some time to relax.

My trip to charlotte was exactly what i had imagined it would be: juvenile team building exercises targeting at routing out potential introverts with the purpose of exposing and humiliating them. (a dramatic description but quite accurate from my perspective as an introvert) Then, less than a week later i had to be part of a panel with the purpose of convincing current college seniors to apply for a job with the bank. I spoke, but i can't imagine i was very clear or at all helpful. Then, this past weekend i made another trip up to NJ to see my parents and a couple friends. That should have been relaxing, seven hours in a car is not fun and i'm never all that relaxed at home. The relationship i have with my father is too hostile and complicated to ever be at peace in his presence. I did have one good night with a couple friends, which was good because i didn't think i'd even see them. Those two seem to always be around when i need them, which is good considering how often i'm around.

I had some fun on my way back. About two hours left in my trip i thought to myself "fuck if i car if i get a ticket, i want to get home now." So i averaged a speed of 90 on I-95 the rest of the way flying past traffic and maintaining a good sense of recklessness. I'm amazed i didn't get stopped. There have been similar times where i feel like i need to do something and i make it very clear to whoever is listening to my inner dialog, and they understand and make sure i get home safe. Luck and coincidence are a little more reasonable of an explanation, but it is nice to think that someone is listening.

I've decided to quit the whole online dating mess. It got me into more trouble and more awkward uncomfortable situations than anything i've ever done. It could have been mostly my fault, considering i went into it thinking that it was possible to make some casual friends. People who are on online dating sites are lonely. They're looking for steady relationships, and me being in that community just isn't right. I am lonely, but i'm not looking for someone to fix that. I was just looking to fit in here. I was being impatient and realize now that the only way to fit in is to be patient, stick to a comfortable routine, and be polite when that routine puts you in the proximity of people. Patience is getting a little bit easier, but i still need to do a lot of adjusting, compromising, and submitting before i can stop complaining and call this place home.

Pic of the car...

The gym was packed tonight, lots of meatheads taking up the whole free-weight area, so i just stuck to mostly cardio. I'm proud of myself though because i was able to pick up my pace quite a bit without my heart rate getting too high.

I've been feeling more and more guilty about my work situation and decided to make an honest effort at creating relevant projects for myself since i have no assigned work. I will still be continuing my book, but this one is considerably more challenging to get through than Battle Royale was: The Brother's Karamazov. It's kind of silly how extremely different these books are. In Battle Royale sometimes it only took a page of brief commentary or explanation before a character was killed lying in a pool of their own blood. In this one however it takes a full chapter for Dostoevsky to describe one conversation. His writing has an infinite amount of depth, and i'm getting more and more used to it each chapter, but it is still a tough read.

That's it for tonight, nothing really on my mind...

I've been trying a ton of different beers since i've been down here. If i don't get a six pack by the end of the week i get a 22 ounce of something really rare. There's this one by rogue, it's called hazelnut brown nectar. It is a perfect beer and i'm trying to decide whether or not i can call it my favorite. It's a difficult call simply because there are so many varieties and it's nearly impossible to compare between them.

It pours with a light brown head that dissipates slowly, but surely after a few minutes. As soon as it hits the bottom of your glass you can smell the nutty aromas, the hazelnut is most pronounced but that scent is accompanied by dark fruit, something like fig or even a sweeter cherry. Once i actually get around to taking a sip... Perfect, it's more of a malty flavor with a less pronounced presence of hops. The malts are reminiscent of coffee and bitter dark chocolate but smoothed over with the almost creamy nutty presence. This is where the variety of malts really comes out in a profound complex flavor. The mouthfeel is smooth and buttery with almost no evidence that the alcohol content is in fact a little higher than average. And the aftertaste is long and pronounced leaving a fading memory as the flavor shifts and changes to a surprisingly refreshing and light climax.

I would recommend this brew to everyone because it's not overwhelming in any way, but has the depth and complexity most brewers wish they could achieve.

Tonight there is a plan. I fairly recently met a person, Todd, who is very informed of the local music scene and wants to show me the underground in which they dwell. His main intention is to have a trustworthy person to give support in the search of willing females, and even though i'm still not quite sure i could handle such a situation, i am going to keep my eyes open for what i've been looking for since i got here, while helping him out of course.

Now that things have calmed down a little bit i can try and recap the holidays:

Being in NYC with Derek and Ali was a great couple days.

Going to Poughkeepsie with almost all the girls was slightly overwhelming, but just because i was lacking my wingman James.

But, the last day of vacation i got really sick. I still don't know whether it was a virus or food poisoning but i wasn't able to eat anything for 5 days. I lost 15 pounds in that amount of time and it's disgusting to be this skinny again.

On my trip back to Richmond my car broke down. It got me here, but it was completely dead within two days. This caused me an immense amount of stress, and i almost lost it, being all sick, i was lost without any options and no ride to work.

So, the first day that i had the strength to i took a cab to a Ford dealer and bought a 2007 Mustang. It is a beast. I get chills just from looking at it, and driving it is empowering to say the least.

For now, i'm stable. Losing my car while unable to eat was a really frightening experience. I don't think i've ever felt more helpless or alone. And, i'm sure there are more challenges to come, but for now i have a really sick ride and a fresh dose of confidence.

"Just relax..." I find myself saying these words in my head over and over again. No matter how hard i try to convince myself i just can't. I need someone else to tell me, "Just fucking relax!" I used to have that, a long time ago. I can remember the words, how they were spoken, with a half silly, half serious, fully comforting expression. After trying to figure out why i've been so unimpressed with most females that cross my path this line of thinking leads me to a very possible conclusion. No one is able to realize how up tight i am and respond with calming words of reassurance and gentle contact. It's a tall order admittedly; i try my absolute hardest not to show my tension on the outside, most of the time by trying to make other people feel more comfortable around me. I guess i'm looking for someone to see through that, to understand. But, i guess that's what everyone is looking for in some respect: someone to understand you without you having to explain.

I was at a loss for dinner tonight. I wanted to do something with double battered breaded chicken. I went as far as cooking them in the oil before i accepted that these breaded thinly cut breast pieces had no intricately designed future. I stood over the counter and ate piece by piece, dipping each in BBQ sauce with the next cooking in the pan. This with a small glass of brandy and a couple spoon fulls of Ben and Jerry's Fudge Brownie ice cream. (The only ice cream i will admit to enjoying) It was a pretty sad display for anyone who happened to look through my kitchen window, (Hopefully no one because that would be creepy...) but it worked considering i'm not hungry anymore. Still haven't decided if i'll hit the gym. I should... i can't feel the brandy and it would be nice to see cute gym girl even though she's taken to shunning my subtle recognition of her.

edit: I did in fact go to the gym. She shunned me. I had an anxiety attack during my second set of dumbbell presses forcing me to leave early. On the way home i was completely cut off by some blonde on a cell phone and after passing her ass was stuck behind a busted volvo going 10mph right up to my parking lot. Damnit...

I'm not at all tired... mostly because i passed out after work with nothing better to do and no ambition to go find something. When i woke up in a daze i figured i should get something done, so i went over to radioshack for dvd-r's, the liquor store for a decent bottle of brandy, then target for plaster nails to hang my first framed print. (the art thing is going to happen slowly, to get the print i wanted it set me back $120...) Radioshack was beyond frustrating. Every time i go there are three employees and three people they're helping. And these people all seem to have really complex problems. I hear them complaining about not having enough minutes on their phone, or why some battery won't charge, or why they should pay full price for something that should obviously be discounted. Today one woman actually picked up a call while someone was helping her and proceeded to have a five minute conversation while the employee just stood there. (no exaggeration) It was ridiculous. At one point one person behind the desk mentioned to his co-worker that i had been waiting for some time and suggested she put her customer's futile battery search on hold to help me. The girl responded with a very curt, "I'm with a customer!" The customer, i could tell, was a friend of hers and she was enjoying talking to her between retrieving the wrong models of batteries. No matter, i eventually got out of there to face a very similar situation at target. The liquor store however was a breeze, but i had my heart set on a couple different brandies neither of which the store had... Kind of a frustrating trip overall. But, i did return, i did hang my first piece and i like it. It's a little weird for a guy's bachelor pad, but it fits perfectly with everything else i have going. Here's a link: http://www.deviantart.com/print/946509/

I'm going to try something silly tomorrow. I'm expecting a package, but i have to be here to sign for it because it's a bottle of wine i bought for my parents. I'm planning on waking up painfully early, going in to work for 4 or so hours, coming back, praying to God UPS shows up at a reasonable enough time, then going back to work to finish out an 8 hour day. I honestly don't think it's going to work, since i haven't had a successful run-in with UPS in the entire time i've been here. Fed-Ex is golden in my book though and i will be requesting them for all future packages. I just have to ride out this one last mistake...

On a side note, that description i gave of kevin was definitely a little harsh rereading it... I tend to be a little colorfully mean with this thing. Looking back i think it was just one thing that really put me off: Knowing that i was still fairly new here and questioning if i even wanted to call this place home he went forward in telling me everything that's wrong with Richmond. I don't want to hear such things in my current state. I want to hear descriptions of this place that make it out to be candyland if candyland were full of beautiful single women, cheap booz, and ample places to combine the two. So to Kevin, that was a low blow, i'm sorry dude, i'm sure in your element you're a decent guy, and i hope you eventually find that.

This weekend was somewhat eventful. Friday night after taking a quick nap and showering i picked up my phone with the intention of calling meg and in that same moment received a call from her interrupting my effort. One of those weird, intriguing coincidences, but it was during that call that we made some plans. We were to get some food first with chris (i don't think i've mentioned him much yet, but pretty much every time i see meg he's up for hanging out too and is an extremely chill guy) and Kevin (someone i met before but didn't know much about) then find some place downtown to get a few beers and relax. It took a while to decide on where to have dinner, a combination of chris and meg not having a preference and kevin's finicky tastes. After walking about half way down a street lined with restaurants of all kinds, a vague reference is made to a thai place and i immediately insist that we go in and grab a seat. Meg and chris however have been too nice with their passive indifference. Apparently they had been to this place not two days ago and didn't really like it... which they neglected to mention until after we had gotten our first round of drinks. But, it didn't matter since they were both a little short on cash and didn't order anything, which made me question to myself the importance of this plan to begin with. But, no matter... the food was superb and i managed to get a thai beer which was quite good.

It was during this meal that i got a full sense of Kevin's personality. He is a NJ/NY snob. I say this with mild regret, but it is the truth. The entire time he described a livid hatred for Richmond, but with little substantial evidence supporting his opinions. His most prominent complaint was simply that there is nothing to do here. I did not understand... I have been to so many bars and coffee shops and music venues, all with different types of people and different atmospheres. When i asked him to elaborate, naming a few places i've been to and that i in fact had a pretty good time, he would give me vague responses like, "Oh, i loathe that place... Oh i can't stand the people there," and "the music is just awful." He spoke of this coffee shop/diner that shut down as if it were his livelihood. This was the only place in Richmond he felt comfortable and since it closed it is as if his soul had been taken and life was not worth living anymore. He revealed also that he's from NJ and has an ultimate goal of living in NYC. This was not the only topic mind you. We covered, food, politics, music, all of which he could only name things that he hated with little reason and with little solution as to what would make it better. All i could make of him was simply that his primary goal was to find a small group of horribly pretentious, bitter people and sit around all day complaining about how awful the world is.

Just from reading this blog however you might venture that i have the same goal since i do complain quite a bit here, but i'd like to try and defend myself by saying i appreciate a lot about richmond and the world in general and enjoy reveling in the beauty of it all. Needless to say i didn't get along very well with kevin and understand fully why his number of friends in richmond can be counted on one hand even after spending the last 6 years here.

Chris and meg were as nice and open-minded as always though and it helped to balance the negativity. After dinner kevin took off expressing once again his hatred, this time towards the entire downtown area and that the thought of bar hopping made him nauseous. The two bars we went to were Europa and McCormack's.

Europa was a bar with a predominately older crowd. Most were very well-dressed and showing of their good financial standing. There was a small group in the back that consisted of three or four guys and what had to be three models. They were tall, terribly skinny, beautiful and walked around and interacted with people as if they were goddesses. It was a nice scene for a young bachelor. The music was a live set from a drum and bass DJ and the drinks were fairly pricey fitting the crowd that this place drew. We talked about things, nothing too deep. Meg and chris are naturally pretty quiet, reserved people so it took a few drinks before they really got into anything, but it was nice. It was at this moment that i decided they were my first two true friends here. They're really genuine good people; selfless, caring, open-minded.

McCormack's was a small quiet Irish pub that served to a very alternative crowd, lots of tattoos, piercings and dredlocks. The bartender was very cool and very knowledgeable about his whiskey. We were getting pretty buzzed and the topics went deeper and deeper into insecurities and wants and other important things a sober person has a hard time describing. It was at that point i realized how much chris needs a solid wingman, having been out of the dating scene for some time and not really having the confidence to jump back into it. I offered to follow him into battle anytime he felt the need and i'm hoping he takes me up on it, because i too could use a brother in the constant struggle with the female sex.

There were other details but none i feel ambitious enough to describe right now feeling the effect of a dark cigar and a rogue ale. So goodnight...

Around 3:30 this afternoon I was sitting in my cubicle reading. I was reading because that the online class delivery system has been taken down for a months time and i literally have nothing to do. I read, sometime for hours, but today i was caught, sort of. This guy clears his throat behind me. Panic strikes because i know full well that reading fiction at the workplace is frowned upon and would lead to a warning of some kind, but the panic leaves almost immediately realizing that no one would really care. I turn around with composure as if to convey that he was somehow interrupting something important and am faced with a mid-30's guy with an awkwardly excited look on his face. I recognize him vaguely but only from passing in the halls and possibly saying "good morning." (These words have become completely meaningless to me because of both the frequency of their use and the utter indifference of tone that everyone uses in releasing them)
He says "Jim?" as if i'm supposed to know him and i proceed to look confused and issue a response of, "yes?" He continues, "I think we've met... Karl, my name is Karl?" as if he's asking me his own name. Still confused i tell him, "Umm, i don't think so... " He cuts me off as my mind is racing through memories of my first 6 months on the job, considering the possibility of forgetting him completely, and says, "At a party... not so long ago... Jennifer? and Steve? They had a party at their house, I remember talking to you. You were with your wife...? At this point i decide that it's relevant to say, "I'm sorry, i just moved here a little while ago... I don't know who you're talking about and am a bit too young to be married." I say the last part with a light-hearted laugh to ease up some of the tension, which is of no use. He accepts the truth of the situation eventually, though still with an expression that says "I could have sworn that was you." I proceed to explain that i'm from NJ and a recent graduate of Marist and that i'm really sorry for the confusion. He trails off and leaves still with the same dumbfounded expression.

I didn't know really what to make of it, other than there's some guy with the same first name, and physical characteristics as me who is married and hangs out with IT people. I've never witnessed such an intense scene of mistaken identity in my life.

Weird...

At checkout i had these 5 items:
Bread
6-Pack of Beer
Oatmeal
Pretzels
Maple Syrup

The girl at the cash register said with a gentle laugh, "You know those have nothing to do with each other." Flirtatious? Maybe, but they really do have quite a bit to do with each other. Beer with pretzels! oatmeal topped with maple syrup is a personal favorite, and well bread is just an essential. Of course i spared her from the explanation, but i appreciated the playful comment.

Tonight i'm listening to The Scorpions and maybe a little Judas Priest later. Tonight is for the godfathers of metal because i've been spending too much time confusing myself with the countless sub-genres that have spiraled out of control. Of course i am all for diversity and originality, but i find it extremely important to go back once in a while and remember what started it all.

The holiday weekend was stressful. I found myself wearing a meaningless smile most of the time so as to avoid awkward questions. My parents tried their best to be supportive of me and i am appreciative, but my sister and i will never get along. No matter how much time passes, it's always the same. I can manage to put up with her for one day, but anything beyond that drives me to the brink of insanity. Her daughter is cute though and i am hoping that in her times of rebellion grows far away from my sister's personality. This is harsh, but it's honest. The food was good though and my car is in perfect running condition for maybe another 10,000 miles.

Driving seven hours is no fun. I'm proud of myself for pulling it off. I can remember years ago when going through a toll booth made me break out into a cold sweat. Those days are gone, but a trip that long does test the limits of creativity. I found myself constantly thinking of ways to pass the time. The dark lonely roads providing just enough distraction as to make me completely lucid. (I can only think clearly when something consumes a part of my attention) I thought about a lot of things. Most of them pointing to a question: What the hell am i doing down here? But, those thoughts were silenced by reflection on my experiences so far. I've learned to cope with a lot of shit and it's having an effect on me. I saw it fairly clearly at the supermarket tonight.
I think i'm sort of reverting back into what i wanted to become in High School: a non-entity. I wanted to slip in and out of a person's memory like a brief silent wind. From my experience then any attention that happened to be directed toward me was negative so i wanted to avoid it. I succeeded rather well. Anytime i see someone from High School when i'm at home they don't recognize me. I understand that my appearance has changed quite a bit, but i believe that i left no mark on their mortal existence whatsoever. And, this is what i'm trying to do now. I'm speaking only when spoken to. I'm checking commonly crowded areas before approaching so as to avoid interaction. This includes peaking around corners among isles of food in order to avoid coming even close to anyone. If i feel someone is looking at me, i put my head down and walk away or make an active effort not to make eye contact.
I started doing acting this way kind of recently, after all the misconceptions and unwelcoming actions from native Richmonders. Given, there are exceptions; there are a couple people here who actually care about my well-being and i appreciate them, but i don't think it's really helping with my overall impression of this city. I'm trying to decide whether it is because of a growing fear of rejection or a conceded feeling of superiority. It's most likely both considering my constant state of internal conflict. In either case i feel like i'm distancing myself from my neighbors and in reaction finding new ways to define my existence. Before it was for my friends. The reason i didn't treat myself destructively was because of the people who cared about me, who depended on me to to listen, to provide comfort in friendship. Now the reasons are shifting toward long-term goals. I'm thinking mostly for the sake of music. (today i thought up a killer idea for a really heavy concept album that involves everything i've been consumed with recently)
I guess now i'm trying to figure out how i can exist without other people to influence me. I've always thought that the more people you interacted with the wiser you would become because your ability to reason would be augmented by an uncountable number of original ideas. But, now i'm looking more for inner development. This may be just an natural progressive thought to ward off a new sense of depression, but if that's what i need to keep going, then so be it.

So i might be learning a bit of the martial arts. Interesting development, and a possibility for a more calm existence. I couldn't have asked for a better opportunity considering my levels of stress and anxiety have been at their peak. The person who offered even showed a willingness to be exposed to the art of metal. It should be interesting to see how a man at peace copes with the brutal cacophony that is the basis of such music.

It was definitely good to see my parents. To keep them entertained i brought them to a couple museums. The first was the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts. I've been before but it was a while ago, so i was still fairly excited about seeing it again, and knowing the museum had a couple picasso's i thought it would be a nice treat for my mom. (My mom has kind of made a hobby of picasso, she collects all sorts of historical books and prints of paintings) When we actually got to them she said to my father, "Now i hope you don't mind terribly, i want to just sit for a while with my picasso's."

My father was bored out of his mind though. My dad is a pretty simple dude to explain. He only appreciates things that make clear sense. He hates the abstract, theoretical and philosophical sides of life. Anything that he can't understand right away isn't of any use to him. You'd probably think, as i have for many years, that this is not such a good view of life, but i'm honestly starting to appreciate it. Since he spends his life in the real tangible world he can remember all sorts of obscure facts, statistics, and stories, and although he is a little too proud of his knowledge at times, it is impressive. There just remains one thing that i will never respect about his personality. He is incredibly racist. It's a product of his need to form a rule out of not so much evidence or experience. If one somewhat unethical Indian crossed his path just one time, he'll make all sorts of blanket statements about their entire culture. So needless to say whenever a topic of that nature came up i challenged him on it, not as aggressively as i used to (because that just ends up in him getting all angry and sometimes even physical) but with a passive sense, an open-ended, open-mined comment that led into another topic of conversation. Ha, if i make it sound like talking to my dad is an art... it really is.

It's so odd how my parents got along over so many years. This is a harsh statement, but i really believe it's only because of traditional family expectations that my mom never left. But, that was realistically only possible a long time ago. Now, there's so much security in growing old with someone, so much fear of the unknown, fear of being a middle-aged single woman, fear of having two entire family trees fall upon her with accusations and negative judgments. She's making the best of it, choosing her battles wisely, getting her feelings out with writing. (She writes short stories, not often, but sometimes; she'll go on benders, usually after stressful events)

Whoa, that was a pretty big tangent, but that is my intention with this thing, to get thoughts out that i have no other way to express, thoughts that would be a loss if they were just forgotten.

But, to continue, the other museum was the Science Museum of Virgina. It sucked. never go there unless you have screaming kids who like to touch things and don't yet understand what germs are. The rest of the weekend was filled with amazing food. They spared no expense in taking me out, so for that and their company i am infinitely grateful.

My mom ended the weekend by saying, "I wish i could just take you home and things would be like they used to..."

So, it seems cute gym girl is taken. This is a fairly logical assumption i made this past Sunday. She was sitting outside with a pretty emo looking dude. If the assumption is correct they make a fitting couple and i'm honestly not as disappointed as i normally would be. It's strange but our mutual greetings and occasional smiles are plenty for me right now. It's nice to know someone recognizes me as a regular in a place that i frequent. This is kind of a continuing thought from my last post, but i've come to be a lot more comfortable single. It's funny to look back at the last year of college. It seemed like all i wanted to do was be in the company of cute girls. I think most of it was from missing the intimacy of a steady relationship, since it was my first and only steady relationship. Now, that i've been without it for some time i've become less wanting of it, less addicted. There are more important things to focus on. And, damnit, i'm really making progress.

My parents are coming down this weekend to see how i'm doing. It's going to be a little stressful simply because my dad is perpetually pessimistic, but it'll be nice to see them. I think they'll be proud of what i've done so far.

World renowned failure at both death and life
Given nothingness, purgatory blight
To run and hide, a cowardly procedure
Options exhausted, except for anesthesia - anesthesia

An 10 ton riff is muted into silence upon the sight of flashing blue lights. An officer had pulled someone over on a crowded stretch of main st. Not seconds after the reflection from the lights fades a few spoken words from Mr. Steele.

I don't feel anything....

It's amazing how sometimes a song will fit what's going on around you so startlingly well that you look for reasons as to why it happened. Pure statistics will explain that given enough music and enough time out on the road coincidences happen. But, i choose to forgo the rules of statistics and say that i heard that song loud and clear for a reason. I am becoming numb, and i'm finally starting to appreciate it. Quiet nights are becoming bearable. Endless hours at the gym are showing. The pain in the fingertips of my left hand from playing a beautiful new acoustic guitar is worth the progress i've been making. I feel little other than a want to be the person i created the framework for in college. I just hope that when i become that person i haven't forgotten how to be human.

Anyway, like i said, i bought a new acoustic. She's seriously beautiful and sounds like a much more expensive guitar than what i bought it for. And i got my first actual job at work. My boss didn't know that i didn't have access to do such a job, but that is being fixed and i shall be well on my way by the end of the week.

Drummer Witold "Vitek" Kieltyka of the Polish extreme metal band DECAPITATED passed away in a Russian hospital from injuries sustained in a recent road collision. He was 23 years old.

Vitek and DECAPITATED singer Covan (real name: Adrian Kowanek) were hurt in an accident earlier in the week involving DECAPITATED's tour bus and a truck carrying wood in Gomel, on the Russia/Belarus border. Both musicians reportedly sustained serious head injuries in the collision, which is believed to have been the fault of the band's driver (although this has not yet been officially confirmed).

According to the Polish Internet portal Onet.pl, Vitek underwent trepanation, a form of surgery in which a hole is drilled or scraped into the skull, and was due to be transported to a hospital in Krakow, Poland for further treatment.

Covan's family released a statement yesterday (Thursday, November 1) that the vocalist's condition had improved. At the time, the vocalist was still said to be at a hospital in Novozybkov, Russia, where he and Vitek were taken following the accident.

I saw this man in person. I was in awe then, and the memory will be with me as one of the finest shows i've ever seen. Just another reminder of how fragile life is, and that death does not stop a hero. Vitek left a mark on this earth and me the likes of which very few are capable of...

I heard a knock on my door around 6 o'clock this afternoon. At the time i was sporting nothing but a pair of boxer briefs and a muscle shirt, so i rushed to throw on a pair of jeans thinking to myself, "No one ever comes to my door, this may be important!" When i opened it there were two young girls maybe 14-16 staring at me blankly. This was a very awkward few seconds because it was as if they were wax figures just staring at me. Then a switch turned on in one of the girls. She holds up a book seemingly with a bunch of numbers on it and begins to rattle off a completely mumbled explanation of whatever they were trying to sell. I couldn't make out a word of it no matter how hard i tried to concentrate. She wasn't even looking at me when she spoke. I made out the last few words though which absolutely floored me. Before she said them she took a deep breath glanced up then away again and in the most monotone unemotional sequence of syllables said "please tell me you're interested." WHAT?! Are you kidding? At least try a little for your cause, youth of America! I'm not asking for fake tears but common decency and just a brief attempt at being polite... When I said "no, i'm sorry" to an offer i didn't even know anything about she responded with a, "Well, why not?" I just said i was busy and she persisted with a really rude tone, "you know, it'll only take a second." I repeated myself and wished her good bye. The other girl even added an extremely put off, "oh." I really wish i could have gotten a recording of these two girls because i probably seem like a dick, but damnit, it was like they were trying to hustle me. They would've been better suited with weapons, maybe a knife would've fit their approach.

Anyway, they came during a movie, Deer Hunter... Holy shit man... another really intense film. I need to stop putting myself through this shit. Maybe i'll start renting romantic comedies for a while to let some emotional tension ease up.

And, i sent an email to my boss today. It more or less asked to get some real work because i'm tired of all the meaningless online classes. This was a bold move because i could've been sitting around with no responsibilities for at least another month. I honestly just can't take the monotony anymore; and doing an honest day of real work may actually be a little more fulfilling. We'll see i guess.

Funeral is a band from Norway. They play doom metal of the most sorrowful morbidly pessimistic sort and it goes very well with the rain. This has been the first day in weeks i haven't been able to have my windows open and feel the cool wind on my face as i drive to work. Instead i watched a stream of water form at the edge of the window, flow down and then as i hit the highway gradually change it's direction to a horizontal path away from the traffic i should've been watching.
It was kind of nice actually, the stereo has a different sound when the windows are closed. The highs come in a little crisper revealing a bit more detail in the guitar tones and percussion. And as i arrived i walked slowly through the rain watching everyone with their umbrellas jog into the building as if the precipitation had been something much more threatening than rain. I like the rain too much to run through it. Had it been colder i may have quickened my step a bit, but it was a refreshing temperature, one that if i did actually get a chill it would be quickly remedied by a cup of coffee. It all seems so surreal though... Which leads into my main topic.

I watched a movie tonight called The Machinist. Christian Bale (my favorite actor) plays the main character. If you've never seen the film and are interested you should probably STOP READING NOW. There's a reoccurring scene in the film where Bale sits at an airport coffee shop and orders the same cup of coffee and piece of pie whenever he goes. While there he talks to the waitress, just chatting really; pleasant polite conversation. There are a lot of similar scenes in the movie. Well, it turns out that he had been silent the entire time. The character of the waitress was a character from his past that he had manifested dialog with. None of it was real and it reminded me too much of myself. All the times i've gone out to places alone and just sat with a beer. Sometimes there would be someone, but no one i could ever remember the name of or prove that they even exist. I pictured myself looking into a half empty bottle and cooking up something entertaining. I really don't have anything to show for the four months that i've been here other than a few personal possessions that i wouldn't terribly miss if they had vanished upon waking tomorrow.

I wouldn't be that startled if i woke up in Poughkeepsie tomorrow. It seems so insane, but this feels too much like a script. There are reoccurring images that send my mind directly to memories as if everything i have been experiencing in this place is a mixed up distorted collage of my life up until four months ago.

But, there are little things. People that i see on a regular basis. Their characters are too complex to have been a product of my imagination. This girl at the gym; she usually seems like she's trying so incredibly hard not to notice anything. Her head is always down on her walk to empty the trash that sits near the free weight area. But, tonight she was at the front desk and we exchanged both a greeting and a goodnight. Her voice is exactly as how i imagined it would be, although she put more charm into it than i was expecting, and she used eye contact in the most dramatic way. You know... with a pause, looking down at a piece of paper while she delivered the first few syllables then looking up slowly with a developing smile all to climax in an unimaginably kind gesture. That was nice and it's little things like that that are going to keep me from going completely insane.

God damn my apartment's lookin good... I'm really proud of it right now. The motif is sort of a gothic styling, reminiscent of the way Poe may have lived had he been limited to a small apt. and had an affinity for shopping at target. After all this is his home turf so it seems appropriate given i may have similar sensibilities.
But, i just have to wonder what a random person would think...

It's raining, finally, after months of drought. It's nice. The windows are open so i can hear the drops hit the cement surrounding my apt.