Sometimes i sleep for no reason. Maybe after reading for a bit in the middle of the day my eyes feel heavy, but i know i'm not tired. Still, i just lift my legs up onto the sofa and lay my head on a pillow and attempt to drift off. Sometimes i can't, sometimes my body refuses by signaling my heart to race. It beats so hard i can feel it in my throat. It turns into a battle between the indifference i feel toward my surroundings and my pounding heart. I just want to sleep, and with perseverance my eyes open an hour later glazed over and blurry. After a minute or so i come to be fully alert but still faced with the same problem.

There's no reason for me to keep on doing this and i need reason, i breathe reason. It's silly, but i just can't do anything for myself. I need someone to do it for. I need orders, requests, and favors. I need someone to guide me toward something, whatever they choose; it makes no difference to me.

It's January 4th today, the new year, an opportunity to make changes, an opportunity to fix some of the mess i've created. I'd like to think that the new year will bring new opportunity, new hope, but it's bullshit. You make your own good luck with tireless bareknuckle effort; something i'm not very good at.

So, Veronica blew me off. It was a weird situation. I had invited her over the first presidential debate to share a few beers and talk about how the country might be on the verge of collapse. I thought it would be fun, i thought we could bond and wish the world good riddance, but that is not what happened. Yes, i was a little drunk and smoking a cigar, so my apartment smelled like shit and i was not as tactful as my sober self. So i figured this was why she was so silent at first, so distant so uncomfortable. After the debate we really go to talking and i pushed her. I wanted to know what was wrong that was making her so distant. So, i pushed and pushed until she made it clear i was not getting anywhere, and then i quickly changed the subject to music. I tried to show her a few things, get her involved, break some the tension i had caused, but little to my knowledge it was making the situation worse. She felt like i was lecturing her, like i was still pushing, so she left. But, it seemed fine, i mean, yes, i pushed to get her involved and interact with me, but i thought she would translate this as me caring about her. I thought she would get the impression that i was telling her things i don't tell anyone else, sharing personal things with her.

A week later i IM her expecting to get some company on a lonely saturday night and she goes on a tirade; harsh accusations, one after another, of that night and things i thought were in the past. It was brutal, she made me feel like an asshole, like a terrible person who gets off on other people's weakness. I'm not, i'm a standup guy who respects boundries and i'm generally pretty perceptive. Veronica was looking for a reason to blow me off. Because on Labor Day of this year i told her i didn't want to date her. She said it was ok, and she said i was way too much of a "rockin guy" to not stay friends, but this was a lie. It's possible she didn't realize it when she said it. It's possible it took some time to sink in. But, Veronica doesn't have time for more friends, she doesn't have any energy left after school and two jobs and modelling and radio and music. She doesn't have any reason at all to keep me around because i just give her another thing to balance, another stress.

And it's for the best. She never did anything for me because i never had her trust. She made it clear that it takes a lot of time and effort to earn her kindness, and i just didn't have it in me. I'm impatient. I think you should be excited and welcoming and giving to people from the start and wait for them to break the trust. But, that's me, and she's different. We're just not compatible people, and that's all. Still in Richmond, still without a friend to lean on, and still alive. That's the biggest part. If i get into trouble i can call Travis and hope he picks up.

I woke up this morning with broken images of horror still reverberating in my memory. I'm not aware of my dreams that often, maybe one day out of the week, but for a long time now the ones i do remember have been nightmares. They always have the same set of themes, abandonment, being lost, carrying some unreasonable burden. They're all different in their imagery, but all dealing with the same concepts. My tasks aren't usually the disturbing part. For example, last night i had the task of carrying luggage for my family after a long trip. They didn't recognize me though and treated me like a bell hop. But, i was walking the luggage through a farm, muddy and enclosed in barbed wire. On the ground there were all sorts of small birds, wallowing in mud and nipping at my ankles. I just walked over and on them. Crushing some as i cleared a path for my apathetic family. That's how it always is. If not creepy bird-like creatures, then bugs or worms or something completely original that my head just seems to come up with.

I can't remember the last good dream i had; i can't remember when it happened or what my life was like at the time. I can only remember nightmares and the horrible images that escape my sub-conscious scarring, desensitising me.

Sometimes when i'm frustrated i burn an album that sounds especially good at high volume in my car and do a lap around downtown. It's a shallow attempt at attracting attention, even a brief look of disgust is all the recognition i'm looking for and more often than not it happens. Last night i played Undertow by Tool. To give a brief explanation of what that album means to me; compared to all the extreme metal, death metal, black metal, grind, that album is more brutal and more powerful than the lot of it. It's visceral, it's jarring, it's emotionally exhausting, and perfect for the emotions i was trying to deal with. Last night while waiting at a stop light next to a fairly busy section of downtown, next to the Irish Pub Sine, this middle aged couple walks over to my car. They started to dance, they started to dance to Tool. I didn't recognize it at first, but then the guy yelled at me through the wall of sound being projected from my driver's side window, "Hey! Could you stick around for a little while... Turn it up!" I replied, "Of course!" and dialed a couple more notches clockwise on the volume knob. But, the light turned green and while shifting my left arm from resting on the window to the steering wheel, i gave him a wave of respect and sped off, squeeling slightly around a sharp turn. It was so refreshing. In the sea of apathy that is this town; someone not only reacted to a disturbance but reacted adaptively, enjoying the sudden chaos that fell upon that small section of cobblestone laden street.

The temperature is beginning to fall again. Unlike other years i'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to go for a walk without worrying about pit stains or smell or going through shirts too fast. I'm looking forward to buying a couple sweaters so i can advertise some variety in my attire at work. I'm looking forward to the leaves changing and falling and hope it doesn't pass me by too qickly like it did last season.

This summer was not really any fun. I remember feeling lonely most of the time, and i'm sure it's mostly a seasonal thing. Spring and summer are times where all instincts are telling you to mate, and to a less drastic extent, be with people. But with fall i won't feel quite as wanting, quite as inadequate because i'll be preparing for hibernation. I'll be eating more, making sure my den is warm and comfortable, embracing the loneliness as a time of rest and reflection. I look forward to buying myself a really nice bottle of scotch to warm me up on what i decide are special nights.

I'm curious as to how i'll feel about these years spent in Richmond later on in life. I wonder if i'd even remember them or repress them like most of the memories of early education. I think i might remember the silence, or an assortment of white noises: the sound of spinning fans on my computer, the clunk and cycle of my AC/heat unit, the cicadas and other summer time insects, relentless clicking of computer mice at work, and the sound of my engine on the morning and afternoon commutes; all secondary, all generally forgettable, but no more forgettable than anything else that has happened here.

It's finally starting to get warmer, the trees are starting to show a little green, i can walk outside in a t-shirt and feel comfortable. I'm looking forward to enjoying my first full spring/summer here. It'll be interesting to see how much happier i am in warmer weather. When i first arrived last June it was already starting to cool off and the coming winter perpetuated a lot of negative feelings. It's odd how much the weather effects me, but i know i will feel as if i'm starting again with the new season. I'll turn in some old habits for new ones and spend a lot more time outside around people i don't know. I'll play the system loud with the windows down. I'll spend more time at the local music store.
I'm hoping to start appreciating music again. For too long i've been gobbling up everything in sight looking for the "prefect" bands. To my surprise i tore through whole genres just to find myself perpetually disappointed. It's because i was looking for immediate satisfaction, comparing and contrasting similar bands that i had previously pigeon-holed. I plan from this week on to buy a new cd every week and really appreciate it, let it develop, take time to understand where the artist was coming from. I might even buy a turntable considering the insane amount of vinyl at this place. I might even post here of my weekly findings.

I was startled the first few days of having the system installed in my car. It pushes the limits of aural experience. It's tuned perfectly for the music i love, it can thunder louder than i could possibly stand, it's more accurate than any music system i've ever heard. And so there is another aspect of my life i am content with. This is a theme for me that i've noticed before. When i have an interest that pushes me each day closer to obsession and eventually satisfy that obsession with the ultimate, perfect solution, i find myself content. But that is the key, perfection only comes in the form of material possessions. Perfection doesn't apply to people. And, it was people that let me down this weekend. It could have been my fault, i really don't know because no one ever told me.
There is just one final conclusion though. I'm tired of the people here. I spoke of this before, rather i whined of this before, pathetically. Once again i find myself feeling like an alien, like a foreign species ripped from its native habitat. People watch me, i watch them, and there are only questions from both sides about our existences. I feel no closer to the people of Richmond than i did upon moving here. Eight months and nothing to show for it other than a few shiny things. It is those things that are allowing me to cope, the big screen so i can feel close to the characters in the myriad movies i watch, the car so i can progressively go deaf and truly show what an aggressive driver is (a symbolic scream of sorts, really just fighting for some sort of attention) Of course other things take up my time as well, the music, the books, work to an extent. (which is actually becoming a job thankfully)
I have over the months closed myself into my apartment surfacing only when i truly can't stand seeing these bare walls anymore. I actually did find one safe place to venture to during those times of personal disgust: the Starbucks just down the street. It's actually quite a good haven. The hipsters scoff at the existence of starbucks so i can avoid them, and it's usually quiet and not too crowded. I still have issues with reading in public and actually staying focused but i'm improving on that skill every time i go.
So again, i'm telling myself to wait, to be patient. Eventually being alone will pay off, in some way. I do believe in the balance of things. A lot of good has been happening and it makes perfect sense that other aspects of my life would fail.
My stress is down, so my heart has been feeling much better, not waking me up at night, not bothering me at the gym, so i can pay more attention to my physical wellness without worrying. I'm still convinced that is going to pay off some way eventually; of course it may just mean holding back the inevitable decline of aging, and probably not having to do with a foxy girl that appreciates it ;). I can still dream though, as always.

I went to a bar this weekend just to get out and have a beer. The place was Europa and i witnessed something interesting. Upon walking in i was relieved to find an empty stool at the bar and sat down. Next to me was a middle aged guy. He was very clean cut with his hair slicked back, wearing a full off-white suit reminiscent of the images i remember of rich plantation owners. After sitting there for a few minutes i notice a woman, stunning; tall, in great shape, long blonde hair, dressed conservatively, smiling as if her face could achieve no other expression. She couldn't have been over 26. She was apparently the white suit's fiance and he was there that night to show her off. He made comments like "Look at how good she looks, she 's my fiance!" There was no communication between them, only communication between him and other men at the bar including the bar tender. The whole scene was just ridiculous. I know marrying for money is not a rare thing, but seeing it first hand was intense. It was jarring. I shouldn't judge people though, they may end up happy, which is something that i know i avoid. I avoid it inadvertently through non-acceptance and certain romantic sensibilities, but i avoid it all the same.

The anticipation is killing me, so is not having my car. You see the audio supply shop i went to needed an extra day to install my system, so i am car-less at the moment. Although i did get lucky, the guy who is installing the beastly components of electromagnetic brilliance also has an affinity for the darker, heavier styles of music and knows exactly how to tune the output to my liking. I am more excited about this install than i was about buying the car in the first place. Sad? yes. But, i live for music, and so the anticipation will keep rising until an explosion of earth shattering bass from the trunk of my car at approximately 2:00 tomorrow.

The past few weeks have been fairly stressful. I feel like i'm recovering right now, still feeling all the symptoms of anxiety and panic, only for no reason. From past experience i know the feeling is temporary, and soon enough i'll be able to sleep comfortably and start going to the gym. I just need some time to relax.

My trip to charlotte was exactly what i had imagined it would be: juvenile team building exercises targeting at routing out potential introverts with the purpose of exposing and humiliating them. (a dramatic description but quite accurate from my perspective as an introvert) Then, less than a week later i had to be part of a panel with the purpose of convincing current college seniors to apply for a job with the bank. I spoke, but i can't imagine i was very clear or at all helpful. Then, this past weekend i made another trip up to NJ to see my parents and a couple friends. That should have been relaxing, seven hours in a car is not fun and i'm never all that relaxed at home. The relationship i have with my father is too hostile and complicated to ever be at peace in his presence. I did have one good night with a couple friends, which was good because i didn't think i'd even see them. Those two seem to always be around when i need them, which is good considering how often i'm around.

I had some fun on my way back. About two hours left in my trip i thought to myself "fuck if i car if i get a ticket, i want to get home now." So i averaged a speed of 90 on I-95 the rest of the way flying past traffic and maintaining a good sense of recklessness. I'm amazed i didn't get stopped. There have been similar times where i feel like i need to do something and i make it very clear to whoever is listening to my inner dialog, and they understand and make sure i get home safe. Luck and coincidence are a little more reasonable of an explanation, but it is nice to think that someone is listening.

I've decided to quit the whole online dating mess. It got me into more trouble and more awkward uncomfortable situations than anything i've ever done. It could have been mostly my fault, considering i went into it thinking that it was possible to make some casual friends. People who are on online dating sites are lonely. They're looking for steady relationships, and me being in that community just isn't right. I am lonely, but i'm not looking for someone to fix that. I was just looking to fit in here. I was being impatient and realize now that the only way to fit in is to be patient, stick to a comfortable routine, and be polite when that routine puts you in the proximity of people. Patience is getting a little bit easier, but i still need to do a lot of adjusting, compromising, and submitting before i can stop complaining and call this place home.

Pic of the car...

The gym was packed tonight, lots of meatheads taking up the whole free-weight area, so i just stuck to mostly cardio. I'm proud of myself though because i was able to pick up my pace quite a bit without my heart rate getting too high.

I've been feeling more and more guilty about my work situation and decided to make an honest effort at creating relevant projects for myself since i have no assigned work. I will still be continuing my book, but this one is considerably more challenging to get through than Battle Royale was: The Brother's Karamazov. It's kind of silly how extremely different these books are. In Battle Royale sometimes it only took a page of brief commentary or explanation before a character was killed lying in a pool of their own blood. In this one however it takes a full chapter for Dostoevsky to describe one conversation. His writing has an infinite amount of depth, and i'm getting more and more used to it each chapter, but it is still a tough read.

That's it for tonight, nothing really on my mind...

I've been trying a ton of different beers since i've been down here. If i don't get a six pack by the end of the week i get a 22 ounce of something really rare. There's this one by rogue, it's called hazelnut brown nectar. It is a perfect beer and i'm trying to decide whether or not i can call it my favorite. It's a difficult call simply because there are so many varieties and it's nearly impossible to compare between them.

It pours with a light brown head that dissipates slowly, but surely after a few minutes. As soon as it hits the bottom of your glass you can smell the nutty aromas, the hazelnut is most pronounced but that scent is accompanied by dark fruit, something like fig or even a sweeter cherry. Once i actually get around to taking a sip... Perfect, it's more of a malty flavor with a less pronounced presence of hops. The malts are reminiscent of coffee and bitter dark chocolate but smoothed over with the almost creamy nutty presence. This is where the variety of malts really comes out in a profound complex flavor. The mouthfeel is smooth and buttery with almost no evidence that the alcohol content is in fact a little higher than average. And the aftertaste is long and pronounced leaving a fading memory as the flavor shifts and changes to a surprisingly refreshing and light climax.

I would recommend this brew to everyone because it's not overwhelming in any way, but has the depth and complexity most brewers wish they could achieve.

Tonight there is a plan. I fairly recently met a person, Todd, who is very informed of the local music scene and wants to show me the underground in which they dwell. His main intention is to have a trustworthy person to give support in the search of willing females, and even though i'm still not quite sure i could handle such a situation, i am going to keep my eyes open for what i've been looking for since i got here, while helping him out of course.

Now that things have calmed down a little bit i can try and recap the holidays:

Being in NYC with Derek and Ali was a great couple days.

Going to Poughkeepsie with almost all the girls was slightly overwhelming, but just because i was lacking my wingman James.

But, the last day of vacation i got really sick. I still don't know whether it was a virus or food poisoning but i wasn't able to eat anything for 5 days. I lost 15 pounds in that amount of time and it's disgusting to be this skinny again.

On my trip back to Richmond my car broke down. It got me here, but it was completely dead within two days. This caused me an immense amount of stress, and i almost lost it, being all sick, i was lost without any options and no ride to work.

So, the first day that i had the strength to i took a cab to a Ford dealer and bought a 2007 Mustang. It is a beast. I get chills just from looking at it, and driving it is empowering to say the least.

For now, i'm stable. Losing my car while unable to eat was a really frightening experience. I don't think i've ever felt more helpless or alone. And, i'm sure there are more challenges to come, but for now i have a really sick ride and a fresh dose of confidence.

"Just relax..." I find myself saying these words in my head over and over again. No matter how hard i try to convince myself i just can't. I need someone else to tell me, "Just fucking relax!" I used to have that, a long time ago. I can remember the words, how they were spoken, with a half silly, half serious, fully comforting expression. After trying to figure out why i've been so unimpressed with most females that cross my path this line of thinking leads me to a very possible conclusion. No one is able to realize how up tight i am and respond with calming words of reassurance and gentle contact. It's a tall order admittedly; i try my absolute hardest not to show my tension on the outside, most of the time by trying to make other people feel more comfortable around me. I guess i'm looking for someone to see through that, to understand. But, i guess that's what everyone is looking for in some respect: someone to understand you without you having to explain.

I was at a loss for dinner tonight. I wanted to do something with double battered breaded chicken. I went as far as cooking them in the oil before i accepted that these breaded thinly cut breast pieces had no intricately designed future. I stood over the counter and ate piece by piece, dipping each in BBQ sauce with the next cooking in the pan. This with a small glass of brandy and a couple spoon fulls of Ben and Jerry's Fudge Brownie ice cream. (The only ice cream i will admit to enjoying) It was a pretty sad display for anyone who happened to look through my kitchen window, (Hopefully no one because that would be creepy...) but it worked considering i'm not hungry anymore. Still haven't decided if i'll hit the gym. I should... i can't feel the brandy and it would be nice to see cute gym girl even though she's taken to shunning my subtle recognition of her.

edit: I did in fact go to the gym. She shunned me. I had an anxiety attack during my second set of dumbbell presses forcing me to leave early. On the way home i was completely cut off by some blonde on a cell phone and after passing her ass was stuck behind a busted volvo going 10mph right up to my parking lot. Damnit...

I'm not at all tired... mostly because i passed out after work with nothing better to do and no ambition to go find something. When i woke up in a daze i figured i should get something done, so i went over to radioshack for dvd-r's, the liquor store for a decent bottle of brandy, then target for plaster nails to hang my first framed print. (the art thing is going to happen slowly, to get the print i wanted it set me back $120...) Radioshack was beyond frustrating. Every time i go there are three employees and three people they're helping. And these people all seem to have really complex problems. I hear them complaining about not having enough minutes on their phone, or why some battery won't charge, or why they should pay full price for something that should obviously be discounted. Today one woman actually picked up a call while someone was helping her and proceeded to have a five minute conversation while the employee just stood there. (no exaggeration) It was ridiculous. At one point one person behind the desk mentioned to his co-worker that i had been waiting for some time and suggested she put her customer's futile battery search on hold to help me. The girl responded with a very curt, "I'm with a customer!" The customer, i could tell, was a friend of hers and she was enjoying talking to her between retrieving the wrong models of batteries. No matter, i eventually got out of there to face a very similar situation at target. The liquor store however was a breeze, but i had my heart set on a couple different brandies neither of which the store had... Kind of a frustrating trip overall. But, i did return, i did hang my first piece and i like it. It's a little weird for a guy's bachelor pad, but it fits perfectly with everything else i have going. Here's a link: http://www.deviantart.com/print/946509/

I'm going to try something silly tomorrow. I'm expecting a package, but i have to be here to sign for it because it's a bottle of wine i bought for my parents. I'm planning on waking up painfully early, going in to work for 4 or so hours, coming back, praying to God UPS shows up at a reasonable enough time, then going back to work to finish out an 8 hour day. I honestly don't think it's going to work, since i haven't had a successful run-in with UPS in the entire time i've been here. Fed-Ex is golden in my book though and i will be requesting them for all future packages. I just have to ride out this one last mistake...

On a side note, that description i gave of kevin was definitely a little harsh rereading it... I tend to be a little colorfully mean with this thing. Looking back i think it was just one thing that really put me off: Knowing that i was still fairly new here and questioning if i even wanted to call this place home he went forward in telling me everything that's wrong with Richmond. I don't want to hear such things in my current state. I want to hear descriptions of this place that make it out to be candyland if candyland were full of beautiful single women, cheap booz, and ample places to combine the two. So to Kevin, that was a low blow, i'm sorry dude, i'm sure in your element you're a decent guy, and i hope you eventually find that.

This weekend was somewhat eventful. Friday night after taking a quick nap and showering i picked up my phone with the intention of calling meg and in that same moment received a call from her interrupting my effort. One of those weird, intriguing coincidences, but it was during that call that we made some plans. We were to get some food first with chris (i don't think i've mentioned him much yet, but pretty much every time i see meg he's up for hanging out too and is an extremely chill guy) and Kevin (someone i met before but didn't know much about) then find some place downtown to get a few beers and relax. It took a while to decide on where to have dinner, a combination of chris and meg not having a preference and kevin's finicky tastes. After walking about half way down a street lined with restaurants of all kinds, a vague reference is made to a thai place and i immediately insist that we go in and grab a seat. Meg and chris however have been too nice with their passive indifference. Apparently they had been to this place not two days ago and didn't really like it... which they neglected to mention until after we had gotten our first round of drinks. But, it didn't matter since they were both a little short on cash and didn't order anything, which made me question to myself the importance of this plan to begin with. But, no matter... the food was superb and i managed to get a thai beer which was quite good.

It was during this meal that i got a full sense of Kevin's personality. He is a NJ/NY snob. I say this with mild regret, but it is the truth. The entire time he described a livid hatred for Richmond, but with little substantial evidence supporting his opinions. His most prominent complaint was simply that there is nothing to do here. I did not understand... I have been to so many bars and coffee shops and music venues, all with different types of people and different atmospheres. When i asked him to elaborate, naming a few places i've been to and that i in fact had a pretty good time, he would give me vague responses like, "Oh, i loathe that place... Oh i can't stand the people there," and "the music is just awful." He spoke of this coffee shop/diner that shut down as if it were his livelihood. This was the only place in Richmond he felt comfortable and since it closed it is as if his soul had been taken and life was not worth living anymore. He revealed also that he's from NJ and has an ultimate goal of living in NYC. This was not the only topic mind you. We covered, food, politics, music, all of which he could only name things that he hated with little reason and with little solution as to what would make it better. All i could make of him was simply that his primary goal was to find a small group of horribly pretentious, bitter people and sit around all day complaining about how awful the world is.

Just from reading this blog however you might venture that i have the same goal since i do complain quite a bit here, but i'd like to try and defend myself by saying i appreciate a lot about richmond and the world in general and enjoy reveling in the beauty of it all. Needless to say i didn't get along very well with kevin and understand fully why his number of friends in richmond can be counted on one hand even after spending the last 6 years here.

Chris and meg were as nice and open-minded as always though and it helped to balance the negativity. After dinner kevin took off expressing once again his hatred, this time towards the entire downtown area and that the thought of bar hopping made him nauseous. The two bars we went to were Europa and McCormack's.

Europa was a bar with a predominately older crowd. Most were very well-dressed and showing of their good financial standing. There was a small group in the back that consisted of three or four guys and what had to be three models. They were tall, terribly skinny, beautiful and walked around and interacted with people as if they were goddesses. It was a nice scene for a young bachelor. The music was a live set from a drum and bass DJ and the drinks were fairly pricey fitting the crowd that this place drew. We talked about things, nothing too deep. Meg and chris are naturally pretty quiet, reserved people so it took a few drinks before they really got into anything, but it was nice. It was at this moment that i decided they were my first two true friends here. They're really genuine good people; selfless, caring, open-minded.

McCormack's was a small quiet Irish pub that served to a very alternative crowd, lots of tattoos, piercings and dredlocks. The bartender was very cool and very knowledgeable about his whiskey. We were getting pretty buzzed and the topics went deeper and deeper into insecurities and wants and other important things a sober person has a hard time describing. It was at that point i realized how much chris needs a solid wingman, having been out of the dating scene for some time and not really having the confidence to jump back into it. I offered to follow him into battle anytime he felt the need and i'm hoping he takes me up on it, because i too could use a brother in the constant struggle with the female sex.

There were other details but none i feel ambitious enough to describe right now feeling the effect of a dark cigar and a rogue ale. So goodnight...

Around 3:30 this afternoon I was sitting in my cubicle reading. I was reading because that the online class delivery system has been taken down for a months time and i literally have nothing to do. I read, sometime for hours, but today i was caught, sort of. This guy clears his throat behind me. Panic strikes because i know full well that reading fiction at the workplace is frowned upon and would lead to a warning of some kind, but the panic leaves almost immediately realizing that no one would really care. I turn around with composure as if to convey that he was somehow interrupting something important and am faced with a mid-30's guy with an awkwardly excited look on his face. I recognize him vaguely but only from passing in the halls and possibly saying "good morning." (These words have become completely meaningless to me because of both the frequency of their use and the utter indifference of tone that everyone uses in releasing them)
He says "Jim?" as if i'm supposed to know him and i proceed to look confused and issue a response of, "yes?" He continues, "I think we've met... Karl, my name is Karl?" as if he's asking me his own name. Still confused i tell him, "Umm, i don't think so... " He cuts me off as my mind is racing through memories of my first 6 months on the job, considering the possibility of forgetting him completely, and says, "At a party... not so long ago... Jennifer? and Steve? They had a party at their house, I remember talking to you. You were with your wife...? At this point i decide that it's relevant to say, "I'm sorry, i just moved here a little while ago... I don't know who you're talking about and am a bit too young to be married." I say the last part with a light-hearted laugh to ease up some of the tension, which is of no use. He accepts the truth of the situation eventually, though still with an expression that says "I could have sworn that was you." I proceed to explain that i'm from NJ and a recent graduate of Marist and that i'm really sorry for the confusion. He trails off and leaves still with the same dumbfounded expression.

I didn't know really what to make of it, other than there's some guy with the same first name, and physical characteristics as me who is married and hangs out with IT people. I've never witnessed such an intense scene of mistaken identity in my life.

Weird...

At checkout i had these 5 items:
Bread
6-Pack of Beer
Oatmeal
Pretzels
Maple Syrup

The girl at the cash register said with a gentle laugh, "You know those have nothing to do with each other." Flirtatious? Maybe, but they really do have quite a bit to do with each other. Beer with pretzels! oatmeal topped with maple syrup is a personal favorite, and well bread is just an essential. Of course i spared her from the explanation, but i appreciated the playful comment.

Tonight i'm listening to The Scorpions and maybe a little Judas Priest later. Tonight is for the godfathers of metal because i've been spending too much time confusing myself with the countless sub-genres that have spiraled out of control. Of course i am all for diversity and originality, but i find it extremely important to go back once in a while and remember what started it all.

The holiday weekend was stressful. I found myself wearing a meaningless smile most of the time so as to avoid awkward questions. My parents tried their best to be supportive of me and i am appreciative, but my sister and i will never get along. No matter how much time passes, it's always the same. I can manage to put up with her for one day, but anything beyond that drives me to the brink of insanity. Her daughter is cute though and i am hoping that in her times of rebellion grows far away from my sister's personality. This is harsh, but it's honest. The food was good though and my car is in perfect running condition for maybe another 10,000 miles.

Driving seven hours is no fun. I'm proud of myself for pulling it off. I can remember years ago when going through a toll booth made me break out into a cold sweat. Those days are gone, but a trip that long does test the limits of creativity. I found myself constantly thinking of ways to pass the time. The dark lonely roads providing just enough distraction as to make me completely lucid. (I can only think clearly when something consumes a part of my attention) I thought about a lot of things. Most of them pointing to a question: What the hell am i doing down here? But, those thoughts were silenced by reflection on my experiences so far. I've learned to cope with a lot of shit and it's having an effect on me. I saw it fairly clearly at the supermarket tonight.
I think i'm sort of reverting back into what i wanted to become in High School: a non-entity. I wanted to slip in and out of a person's memory like a brief silent wind. From my experience then any attention that happened to be directed toward me was negative so i wanted to avoid it. I succeeded rather well. Anytime i see someone from High School when i'm at home they don't recognize me. I understand that my appearance has changed quite a bit, but i believe that i left no mark on their mortal existence whatsoever. And, this is what i'm trying to do now. I'm speaking only when spoken to. I'm checking commonly crowded areas before approaching so as to avoid interaction. This includes peaking around corners among isles of food in order to avoid coming even close to anyone. If i feel someone is looking at me, i put my head down and walk away or make an active effort not to make eye contact.
I started doing acting this way kind of recently, after all the misconceptions and unwelcoming actions from native Richmonders. Given, there are exceptions; there are a couple people here who actually care about my well-being and i appreciate them, but i don't think it's really helping with my overall impression of this city. I'm trying to decide whether it is because of a growing fear of rejection or a conceded feeling of superiority. It's most likely both considering my constant state of internal conflict. In either case i feel like i'm distancing myself from my neighbors and in reaction finding new ways to define my existence. Before it was for my friends. The reason i didn't treat myself destructively was because of the people who cared about me, who depended on me to to listen, to provide comfort in friendship. Now the reasons are shifting toward long-term goals. I'm thinking mostly for the sake of music. (today i thought up a killer idea for a really heavy concept album that involves everything i've been consumed with recently)
I guess now i'm trying to figure out how i can exist without other people to influence me. I've always thought that the more people you interacted with the wiser you would become because your ability to reason would be augmented by an uncountable number of original ideas. But, now i'm looking more for inner development. This may be just an natural progressive thought to ward off a new sense of depression, but if that's what i need to keep going, then so be it.